Quad screen results are in

(If you missed the gender reveal, go back a post.http://butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/2010/12/olivias-big-sister.html)

When I called my OB's office to see if they had finally received my labs from the high risk ob's office, (they had), I asked if my quad screen results happened to be back yet. They were! And she said, "They are negative! Woo hoo!" (Seriously, she said woo hoo.) Just to make sure I was understanding correctly, "You mean it's normal?" "Yes! Normal!"

I had her fax the results to my high risk doctor who I'll see Monday and harass her for more details. (Exactly how normal is it?)

We've already been forewarned that this does not mean I won't get sick and this does not *necessarily* mean this time will be better. But, for now, we're taking it as fantastic news until we have a new reason to worry (which will come up soon enough.) 

Olivia's a big sister...

Olivia is a big sister, and she's going to be watching over her little....

 

BROTHER! 

The ultrasound tech, whom I was not really that impressed with (we cheated and went to an elective ultrasound place, so it was not a medical person although all of the techs are real certified techs) got a slightly alarming picture of his foot:

 

I counted 8 toes and Joe counted 6. We're both pretty sure that it was just because he was moving and the tech seemed more interested in getting us out of there as quickly as she could and not so much trying to get good pictures...or maybe she just wasn't that good. Either way, I think the pictures from 3 weeks ago http://butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/2010/11/rainbow-13-4-ultrasound-and-doctor.html are almost better than these, but maybe I'm spoiled with fantastic ultrasound techs at the high risk center.

 Now grow baby grow!

Glimmer of hope

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention [the child] because you think you may make them sad by reminding them that [their child] died-- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget [their child] died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that [their child] lived, and that is a great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards

This is so true. In fact, it can be hurtful when your child is not mentioned. It's not that I need Olivia brought up by someone every day, but sometimes when she's forgotten during a discussion that is relevant, it really hurts our feelings.  This something that I struggle with now that I'm pregnant again, there are people who act as if Rainbow baby is our first child. It makes me feel as if I have to fight even harder to make people remember Olivia. There will always be someone missing in our family, no matter how many children we end up having. And while we are both very excited (and terrified) to be expecting another baby, it doesn't fix what we've lost, we're both still very sad that Olivia is not here, and nothing can fix that.

 

Last night at our support group, there was a woman who lost her first baby a long time ago but I've never seen her at a meeting before. Her story is all too familiar, she developed pre-eclampsia and HELLP at 19 weeks and had to deliver her baby. It's rare, for me to run into someone who got sick even earlier than I did.  This woman apparently got pregnant again, and with her next pregnancy, she made it to 34 weeks before she got sick. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to talk with her later to ask if she did anything major differently. (There's not much that I can do differently that I'm not already doing, anyway. ) But still! 34 weeks! I know that both of my doctors would be thrilled to get me to 34 weeks. (34 weekers generally need a couple of weeks of NICU time as "feeders and growers", so it's still sucky because we'd have to leave the hospital without our baby. We've done that once and I don't want to ever again.) I'm stubborn and determined to make it all the way to 36, but one milestone at a time.  Also, there was someone new that we talked a lot with, it turns out she was born at 24 weeks (because her mom got severe pre-eclampsia and probably HELLP but they didn't test for HELLP back then), and that was in the 80's. I needed that reminder, I guess, that 24 weekers CAN live and be perfectly normal. Our goal is not anywhere near 24 weeks, but getting there with everything going okay will be a relief. 

 

I'm sure it won't be long before I'm panicking again. But for now, I am hopeful.

Angel of Hope candlelight vigil, 2010

This year, I actually looked forward to the candlelight vigil. It's a special night. Last year, everything was so fresh, it was so hard (and lighting my hair on fire with a freaking candle didn't help either- don't worry, it was just a little bit of hair), but it still felt good to be there and go.

The high yesterday was supposed to be 30 degrees so we knew it was going to be COLD. The weather did not disappoint (at least there was no snow or freezing rain, as we've been told has happened in past years.)  It was about 19 degrees and we figured out the perfect amount of layers, none of us got too cold. I wore sweatpants, jeans, 2 pairs of socks, my sister's work boots, a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, a thick hooded jacket, my maternity coat, thick gloves, a hat (which Joe insists on calling a toboggan just to annoy me), a fleece hood thingy that covers your head and up to your nose of your face, and a scarf.  I'll admit, my legs did get a slight bit cold, but more of like "it's a cool fall day" and not
shivering. In the car on the drive there, I felt like a gigantic
marshmellow with all of my layers. We also opted to use battery candles this year, which was a good idea because there were no hair fires and we didn't have to worry about the flame burning out. Last year there were hundreds of people there and we got there late and had trouble finding a parking spot and ended up standing in the back. This year we were there probably a bit too early, about a half hour early, we were some of the first people there and had no trouble parking.


The ceremony was nice but seemed shorter than last year. Last night it was too crazy and packed to get a picture so we went back today to get some pictures of it... (It goes like this: people talk and read a few poems, a few singers sing songs, and then everyone lays a white flower at the angel.) You can see the bricks under the base of the angel which are all engraved. Olivia has a brick too here, and since the cemetery is almost an hour away, we tend to go to the angel when we are missing her and don't have the time to spend 2 hours driving. (The angel is about 15 min. away from us and we are very lucky to have one in our area, especially in the middle of a beautiful park that is almost always peaceful and quiet.)

 On this side of the angel, it says:
 The Christmas Box Angel

With hope in its wings this monument was dedicated October 16, 1998 as a place of love and healing for all those who have lost children. We invite all to leave a white flower at its base. 

Annual candlelight vigil December 6, 7 pm

And lastly, here is Olivia's brick, which my grandparents bought in Olivia's honor:

16 wks belly pics + quad screen

I had the quad screen bloodwork done yesterday morning. Now we wait nervously for the results, which can take as many as 7-10 days. (This is the bloodwork that first came back bad with Olivia.) I have to call my OB's office on Friday for other reasons, and so I'll definitely ask if they are back yet then. And if not, I'll call again Monday before my high risk appointment because we'll definitely want to discuss it either way if they are.  I'm a bit terrified and regretting doing the bloodwork now that it's all done. My high risk doctor warned us that doing this test could be like opening Pandora's box and she was fine with us skipping it- good results aren't exactly totally good because they are no guarantee I won't get sick, and bad results...we can't really do anything to fix. Still, I think I'll ultimately be glad we did it, I'd go crazy wondering if not and wishing we had done it.

So, I can't figure out how to get blogger to let me put the images side by side so this will have to do. I'm in the pink shirt for 16 weeks, the striped for 15 weeks.

It doesn't seem like I'm that much bigger this week. Also, surprisingly even to me, I had to get weighed yesterday for the quad screen, and I haven't actually gained weight this pregnancy yet. It probably helps that I lost a few amidst the first trimester ick, so I probably have gained just not a net pregnancy gain yet. In any case, I'm happy about it, I had expected that I'd gained several given my expanding stomach. And, we're pretty sure that there's just one baby in there, our ultrasound techs are pretty good and always take pictures of everything-placenta, ovaries, etc. and would not likely miss an extra baby.  I know I'm awfully big for 16     weeks, let's hope that there's a ginormous baby in there.
 

15 weeks and little milestones

So on Monday, we made it to the 15 week mark. My belly is looking ginormous already which is just fine with both of us.

Rainbow is bouncing around a lot and I've been feeling flutters 3 or 4 times a day for a couple of weeks now. On Thursday, I started feeling Rainbow kick (I think?) It felt more like someone tapping than fluttering. I never really felt much with Olivia so I'm not really sure what kicks feel like.

Also! My belly button has started hurting yesterday. After my first pregnancy, Joe freaks out whenever I mention any sort of pain and wanted to make me call the doctor. I called Dr.Mom instead, figuring she would know after 4 healthy pregnancies. It turns out it is normal (I figured.) It's not stabbing pain or anything alarming. Just achy like my stomach is stretching (even more.) It seems awfully early for all of this. My baby bump was not this big even at 23 weeks with Olivia, granted I started out a little bigger this time. I'm pretty sure my numerous ultrasounds have not missed an extra baby or two hiding in there, but the thought has cropped up. My blood pressures are behaving, everything seems to be going smoothly so far (which really isn't that reassuring at this point, because everything was going just fine with Olivia at this point too, I'm not sure that anything can reassure me until a healthy baby is in our arms.)

Next week should be a busy and exciting week! The Angel of Hope candlelight vigil for Olivia is on Monday (we will freeze our butts off), my quad screen blood test will also be done Monday (but results probably won't be in for a week, I might call the nurse on Friday anyway), our support group is Wednesday (the last one I'll be going to until rainbow baby arrives, hiding my bump will be a bit challenging but we have a bunch of blankets to donate to the hospital and I really want to go this last month), and on Thursday we will hopefully know if it's a boy or girl.  I thought early on that it is a boy (same happened with Olivia), and now I've been thinking it's a girl (same happened with Olivia), BUT, both Joe and I have had dreams about a boy baby, so we're pretty confused.

Olivia's Story at OneTrueMedia.com

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