25 weeks and new drama.

Yesterday was 25 weeks. I feel myself relaxing a little bit more each week, at least some of the time.

For some reason, probably just in my head, it seemed like Lucas was moving a little less than usual last night. But I did a kick count and had 10 movements in about 30 minutes, still not exactly reassured by it because it still seemed like less to me. And then this morning when he's usually crazy active too, there were a few movements here and there but they weren't as strong or as frequent as I'm used to. I can't even remember the last time I used our fetal doppler, it's been weeks and weeks, but I got it out this morning, his heartbeat was his normal 140's, still, not really reassured. He's been kicking every once in awhile this afternoon, though, which is usually his most quiet time, so...I don't know. If I wasn't seeing my high risk doctor tomorrow already, I'd probably call them. It's so hard to know what's me being paranoid and what's trusting my instincts. Right now, I'm just a little freaked out about everything.

I found out yesterday that I failed the 1 hour gestational diabetes test, which really didn't surprise me because I felt awful the entire day afterward and was so dizzy that afternoon-evening I really didn't like walking. So now my ob's nurse wants me to do the 3 hour, but I don't think I can and am pretty pessimistic that I'll even pass it. (I say I don't think I can because I got sick after the 1 hour and I'm doubtful I can keep down double the drink for 3 hours. And I don't really want to take it and feel like crap all day long only to find out I failed that too.) I'm going to mention it to my high risk doctor and see how she wants to proceed. If I have to try the 3 hour than I guess I will (apparently insurances can be crappy about covering things for it without the 3 hour being done first.) But with my history of severe early onset pre-eclampsia and PCOS and also the unexplained dizziness, I think the odds aren't really in my favor. I'm crabby and frustrated just thinking about a diet or MORE shots- I'm eating relatively well already (but I do like carbs and I'm not going to give them up easily). And also, if I do have it, of course that brings my risk of getting pre-eclampsia up even higher. (And it's already high because of my history and then the notching in blood flow.) It's just weighing on me.

On the bright side, my c-section is officially scheduled, 9:45 am on April 27th, pending the results of an amnio indicating mature lungs the day before, I'll be 36 weeks and 2 days. I'm going to pretty much insistent on getting steroid shots by 34 weeks so his lungs should be good. (Knowing my luck, I'll go through the amnio and find out we have to wait another week.) If lungs aren't mature, we'll deliver at 37 weeks exactly (May 2nd), no amnio redo, because by then the risk of me going into labor is too high to risk waiting longer (if I go into labor, I'm at higher risk for my uterus rupturing because of the type of c-section they had to do with Olivia. So after 34 weeks if I start having real contractions, they'll probably just deliver then without an amnio.) Any drama before 36 weeks or at 36 weeks (blood pressure, pre-eclampsia, labs acting up, contractions, fetal indicators like blood flow or growth), and they'll deliver sooner without an amnio. So April 27th is actually pretty iffy, but we'll see. I have no interest in prolonging this pregnancy a minute longer than necessary just to see how bad things will get or if they'll get bad.  It was a little weird because they actually started giving me instructions for the c-section (don't eat after midnight, be there by 7:30) as if it was a week away and not 80ish days from now which as far as I'm concerned is *forever*. (This was still my ob's nurse, not the hospital.)

Last night we finished the Valentine's day project for all the newly bereaved parents. We got them all finished but my friend and I both noticed that Maggie had a rather large stack of new people that had had losses in the last couple of weeks, since we met last, not even 2 full weeks ago. Blech. And then, we were using post it's because we were putting in pink "presents" for parents that lost a girl and blue for boys and yellow for if she couldn't remember and couldn't tell by name for (white) presents...when we were all done stuffing the envelopes, I sorted the post its into piles by color so she could reuse them later since they didn't have writing or anything on them....the stack of blue post-its was so much more than the pink pile. That might be the reason I'm a lot more freaked out today. Yesterday was just not a great day for me. I ended up strolling around the garage for about 20+ minutes in the freezing cold trying to find my car. I thought I had parked on the ground floor because for some reason when I walked in the nearest door, it was on the ground floor. So I walked the entire ground floor of the parking garage several times with no sign of my car and was starting to think it got towed or stolen- and my car isn't anything worth stealing so that seemed nuts. I went back in to the hospital and sat and warmed up and decided to try again and started on the first floor, I had parked on the first floor after all (but I really did walk in on the ground floor before, I had to go up a flight of stairs, I'm not sure how I managed to end up parking on the first floor but walking in on the ground floor.) Anyway, I hate that stupid hospital, it's such a maze. Yesterday was just not my day. Hopefully the rest of this week will get a bit better.