Four years eve

This week has been rough and full of triggers.

Yesterday I took the boys to a park by our house with a pond that has fish that practically dive out of the water for bread crumbs, we ended up driving by my OB's office and it was like I was there again, sitting in the room with the numbers that didn't add up, my OB talking about possibly having to deliver at 24 weeks if she didn't have a big growth spurt, then being relieved that they scheduled my next ultrasound for 4 weeks later, when I would be 26 weeks, so surely we would make it to 24.

I remember sitting in the hallway crying to my mom after the appointment, so stressed out about the prospect of a micropreemie and the NICU and how that was all going to work out with my new job from hell, and so worried about why she wasn't growing and what it had to do with the horrible pain I kept having.

It still never really crossed my mind that she would die. Not until a week later, when we were in the hospital being told we had to deliver that day and she would be stillborn if we didn't. Even though Joe held out hope, and told them to do everything they could to save her, even when we decided to have an emergency classic/vertical c-section instead of being induced in the hopes of saving her...I will never ever forget sitting in the ultrasound room where the doctor talked to us, watching her move on the screens, and knowing she was going to die.  It never occurred to me before then that babies die all the time, still, back in 2009 and now in 2013. There are still issues in pregnancy that cause babies to die,in some cases their mothers to die, that has no treatment or cure.

Today we went to a different park and a white butterfly found it's way over to Luke as he was running around the playground. It found him and followed him for a moment and then was gone. I know Olivia isn't reincarnated as a butterfly (well, I guess I don't know, but I don't think so). But I do like to think she sends us butterflies to let us feel closer to her.

It is hard to believe it has been four years tomorrow. Even four years later, tonight it feels like yesterday.