Meetings and milestones.

I went to our support group meeting tonight and am glad I did. There were a lot of newish people-like in the first year but no one brand new-and only one person I hadn't met before. I ended up being the only experienced person as in 2 years or more "out".

It is always such a huge reminder of how far we've come, going there and talking to newish people. I remember my first meeting, talking to people that had lost their babies three and four plus years sooner and wondering how on earth they made it and how on earth I would ever do it. But here we are. Those "veterans" that I once looked up to, don't go to meetings much anymore, and suddenly here I am as a veteran. Someone told me tonight that they were glad I had come and that it gave them hope, so I'm glad I went.

It felt good, to have that time to sit and think about Olivia, and talk about her. I am in a weird place lately of feeling guilty for not feeling sad "enough" and just meh. But more and more lately, I am refusing to get into those grief mindgames and I just move on to thinking about something else instead of beating myself up.

I really cannot believe that we are approaching 4 years soon.

Also, I can't believe how stressed out I STILL get, four years and two mostly healthy pregnancies later, walking through that hospital again.

It also made me miss being pregnant, a little tiny bit. I was there 3x a week with Matthew for months and a ton with Lucas as well. Being pregnant stinks while you are pregnant, but all too soon those baby kicks from the inside and laying back listening to the baby's heart rate on monitors is over.
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This is a big milestone week for our family.

On Sunday, Matthew started SLOOOOWWWWLLYYYYYYY but officially crawling. By the end of the day Monday, he could cross the room in a few seconds.  He has a special knack for finding choking hazards--awesome. He has pulled himself to standing twice but only with his legs wayy far out behind him that he's not officially figured it out yet. He's getting really close though and loves "standing" on his knees all the time. My baby is getting big.

He tortured Joe tonight by crying his head off all night, while I was at the meeting. When I got home and took him he calmed down immediately although it took a few minutes for him to catch his breath.

That is my favorite part of going to meetings, is coming home and hugging my boys tight, because those meetings are a good reminder of how lucky we are to have them.

Anyway, Luke goes to preschool tomorrow for the first time. I am excited for him. And also a teeny tiny bit sad that my baby is old enough to go to preschool. (Granted, a lot of places don't have programs until 3.) I think he will love it though and I really really hope he doesn't cry or get sad. I'm nervous.

Since the proper mom thing to do is to take pictures of the kid with a sign that says first day, etc., and some overachieving parents also ask their kids what they want to do when they grow up and put that on the sign, I figured what the hell and asked Luke while I was rocking him to sleep what he wants to be when he grows up. (Uh, I don't even know if he knows what that even means.) He smiled sleepily at me and was quiet for a minute and then said, "A surprise!" {Actually in toddler speak it was "a 'rprize"}. Picture and sign and update to come tomorrow afternoon.