Saturday, December 7, 2013

Christmas with Luke

Luke is so in love with everything Christmas-y this year, especially the lights and snow and Christmas specials on tv.

This was our first year ever putting up lights on the outside of our house. Luke LOVES them and helps Joe turn them on every night.  And still, every day, he says, "Look! Look! Lights! Wow!"

And then the snow came for Friday morning (well, more like a dusting then actual accumulation.) He was so excited to see it. He looked out the sliding glass door to our backyard and was saying, "Wow! Snow!" Then he ran to the front door and was really excited "MORE SNOW!" He points the the backyard and says, "One snow" then points at the front, "Two snow!" Love it!

No real time to post more, Matthew just finally fell asleep (on his 3rd round of antibiotics for a freaking ear infection that is not going away), but wanted to write these down so I don't forget.

Sunday, November 24, 2013


So far behind in blogging.

Matthew is 1 now. Well almost 13 months actually. He is still a peanut around 35%ile's for height and weight. Not walking yet but he gets around fast. Starting to babble more.."da" for dad we think and maybe "duh" for dog but one year olds are tough. He makes sounds a lot but hard to tell if it's just a coincidence.

Matthew's right eye finally cleared up his blocked tear duct around 9 months but the other eye was still blocked even at his 1 year appointment. After MUCH agonizing on it, we made the firm decision that we were NOT going to have the surgery to correct it done on him, mainly because he would have to go under general anesthesia. His blocked tear duct does not affect his vision and doesn't seem to bother him. I just couldn't stomach the risk for that, even if they are tiny.

Anyway, our ped had already been pushing about the surgery even a month ago so he wasn't thrilled about it and went on about how it wouldn't clear up on it's own at this point, and that the surgery has much greater odds of success the sooner it is done (though still a 10% fail rate). I did some googling just to see more experiences with the procedure and actually found a lot of people with stories about how their ped pushed it but they decided not to and the blocked tear duct cleared up on it's own between 1 and 2. A week later, Matthew woke up with his eye completely clear and it has looked perfect ever since...going on 2 weeks now of being completely clear. Our ped would have had him in surgery a month ago if it had been up to him. I'm glad we went with our gut (which was screaming at me to wait!) and I really am leaning towards trying to find a family doctor I like and switching us all to them, soonish.

Luke turned 2.5 the day after Matt turned 1. He was Thomas for Halloween and LOVED trick-or-treating.
The kid is hilarious and cracks us up every day. A couple things I remember of the top of my head...
A couple days ago we were leaving a play place and there was a fire truck parked in the parking lot. I pointed it out to Luke as we drove by it (yes he is still rear facing but has no problem seeing stuff out the window), anyway he sees it and responds "Ohh! That's amazing!"
Today we were going to Costco and drove past a pond a few feet from the road.."Look mom! A river!"
Love this age. He is already in awe of all the Christmas decorations we see out and about and in stores, he is going to love the next month especially.

So I am #115 on the waiting list for the ultrasound program which is kind of sucky but mostly okay with me because I'm not that excited to have to put both kids in daycare fulltime anytime soon, and now we know it won't be anytime soon. If we decide to have one more baby, we have time to do that too, while I am still home and not working. (Not trying yet, or in the near future, Matthew still doesn't sleep through the night and that is a huge hold up for me.)

We spent a week in Kansas City and had an absolute blast there. We went to the zoo twice, the children's museum twice, an indoor playground, the aquarium, and this train restaurant that has a train deliver your (not very good) food. It is always a bit crazy traveling with young kids on our own, but it was definitely worth the craziness. Luke cried and wanted to go "back to the room" our 3 hour drive home, though he was happy to see our dogs.

Joe's birthday was at the beginning of November, this week we have our anniversary plus Thanksgiving. Trying to gear up for Christmas decorating this year and ,gulp, turning 30 at the end of December.

So much going on, there hasn't been much time to write and then it just got farther and farther behind. I will try to do better!

Friday, September 27, 2013

Four years eve

This week has been rough and full of triggers.

Yesterday I took the boys to a park by our house with a pond that has fish that practically dive out of the water for bread crumbs, we ended up driving by my OB's office and it was like I was there again, sitting in the room with the numbers that didn't add up, my OB talking about possibly having to deliver at 24 weeks if she didn't have a big growth spurt, then being relieved that they scheduled my next ultrasound for 4 weeks later, when I would be 26 weeks, so surely we would make it to 24.

I remember sitting in the hallway crying to my mom after the appointment, so stressed out about the prospect of a micropreemie and the NICU and how that was all going to work out with my new job from hell, and so worried about why she wasn't growing and what it had to do with the horrible pain I kept having.

It still never really crossed my mind that she would die. Not until a week later, when we were in the hospital being told we had to deliver that day and she would be stillborn if we didn't. Even though Joe held out hope, and told them to do everything they could to save her, even when we decided to have an emergency classic/vertical c-section instead of being induced in the hopes of saving her...I will never ever forget sitting in the ultrasound room where the doctor talked to us, watching her move on the screens, and knowing she was going to die.  It never occurred to me before then that babies die all the time, still, back in 2009 and now in 2013. There are still issues in pregnancy that cause babies to die,in some cases their mothers to die, that has no treatment or cure.

Today we went to a different park and a white butterfly found it's way over to Luke as he was running around the playground. It found him and followed him for a moment and then was gone. I know Olivia isn't reincarnated as a butterfly (well, I guess I don't know, but I don't think so). But I do like to think she sends us butterflies to let us feel closer to her.

It is hard to believe it has been four years tomorrow. Even four years later, tonight it feels like yesterday.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Matthew 9 month pictures

Two smiling kids? Not gonna happen.

Matthew was not.impressed.

Love so much about this picture, especially the boys' expressions, it is so them.

He just stared at us like this most of the morning.Not crying, but not smiling.

This made him smile for .5 seconds

Again, not impressed.

He has the pouty lip perfected.

This made him smile for a second too.
We did these in early August. I am ridiculously impressed and happy with how they turned out considering how hard Matthew made us work for them and really wasn't sure she got much to work with. (She would have stayed for more but they were both melting down big time and so we gave up.) She said she has more but thee are my favorites of what I have seen so far. Love them! Even my non-smiley kid ones.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Beware of the ostrich.

I don't know if I mentioned this on here, but I ended up pulling Luke out of the preschool program. It was way too much work on my part for how much we were paying for it and not to mention Luke was not getting anything out of it other then crying the whole time. We probably waited a little too long to pull him out because now he is super super clingy to me like he has never been. (On the bright side, anytime now we are leaving somewhere fun I just have to say, "Luke, it's time to go, come on." He is RIGHT.THERE. ready to go.He cries when I leave him with Joe, even to go take a nap...not.good.)  There is a preschool program at the high school near us (where I went to school), which is SUPER cheap, 3 days a week, and it's run by the child development teacher and some high school kids that she selects. We went and checked it out the other day, it looks good. It is really close to our house and is a mix of kids 2-5 (most of them are 3-4). We are going to try to start Luke in January so I have to get him potty trained between now and then (which I had already planned to do but then when the preschool drama started we took a break from messing with it.) Anyway, no preschool anymore. (Luke still cries about it too. The other day we went to one of those places that let kids paint items. When I asked Luke if he wanted to go somewhere to paint he started crying and saying 'no paint! no school mom!"...awesome.)

In the absence of preschool, we have been keeping really busy finding stuff to do out and about. Matthew had a double ear infection last Monday so we were busy with that. Then we've been doing lots of parks and indoor playgrounds, the painting place, the train store, the mall toy store party place, etc. It is win-win-win. I cannot stand to stay home with the kids all day, I get stir crazy, they trash the house faster then I can clean it or keep up with them. (And yes, they, because Matthew is crawling and is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Our house is mostly baby proofed but then Luke accidentally knocks a box of kleenex on the floor and I'll be in the kitchen doing dishes and 2 minutes later I glance in on them and Matthew has emptied the entire box...stuff like that.) Anyway, most days we (I) try to sleep in while Luke watches tv or netflix while Matthew sleeps in with me because he is the reason I need to sleep in. We eat breakfast and then head out for something fun whether it's the library train tables, playground, whatever. Then back for lunch or drive thru somewhere, naptime, then Joe gets home. We have fallen into this schedule pretty nicely and it makes for happier all of us although it isn't very conducive to getting groceries or meals at home accomplished.

This weekend on Friday night we went to the train store's family fun night. Luke played at the train tables for hours. Joe bought more track pieces that we "needed". Matthew watched all the kids playing in awe. It was a good night.

 On Saturday, we got Direct Tv installed (thank you god for not having our installer be our next door neighbor. Our neighbor is perfectly nice, it's just that our basement is a mess and our house is not really "have company over" clean...especially company in our bedrooms and basement and stuff. I know the installers have seen much worse but still I didn't want it to be our next door neighbor to see us every day and think about what a mess our basement is, etc.) Anyway, while Joe was home with the tv stuff, my mom and I took the boys to Lowe's kids' building workshop where they were building fire trucks. It is free and I registered Luke for it a few weeks ago. The recommended age was 5, so I was really really hesitant and hoping they wouldn't give us trouble bringing a 2 year old, (I had planned that we would have to do most of the building, but I figured Luke would like to watch and "help" and then have the fire truck to play with.) For some reason I was imagining that we'd be having to saw and paint and stuff, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that they handed us a "kit" with wood pieces we basically just nailed all together. They didn't even blink twice about Luke's age and there were at least a few other kids his age there too. He got a little bored with the watching but LOVED hammering and handing us nails and stickers and stuff. Thank goodness I brought my mom because I screwed up and used the wrong size nail early on which would have screwed up the entire project (I didn't realize they had 2 different sizes in the kit, they all looked the same when I glanced at it). Anyway, Luke has been playing with his fire truck that he made all weekend. We will definitely do this again and I highly recommend it.

This morning we got up and went out to "Wild Joel's Safari". It's basically country farm meets petting zoo meets small zoo. They have a couple buffalo, tons of goats, llamas, ostriches, emu, birds, snakes, zebras, etc. etc. It is not very far from us and we'd never been there and thought we'd give it a try. They sell feed cups and you get to walk around feeding the animals (that are fenced). Luke loved it and had a lot of fun. Matthew was pretty intrigued by the animals as well. Joe and I did most of the feeding and helping Luke feed them. We refilled our small cup a couple of times, and as we are getting towards the end there is an ostrich kind of off to the side in the back. I took note of the sign that said, "If you feed the ostrich, put your feed cup in so it does not have to reach. DO NOT feed from your hand!", but didn't really think that much about it. And as we neared the ostrich, I was a little distracted watching the zebras, and didn't really pay much attention when Joe said, "That ostrich sounds mean." So of course I put my feed cup towards the ostrich which leans over the fence, bites my hand and grabs the half full cup from me and pulls it into his yard. Okay, well that's my version...maybe what really happened was I screamed when I felt the ostrich's beak on my finger and let go of the cup and it took it from my hand. I definitely screamed, and my finger definitely got "bit" (it didn't actually hurt or break my skin or anything, just freaked me out), and our cup definitely ended up inside the fence with the ostrich. Good thing we were almost done. That thing was eyeing Luke in a way I did not like so I pushed him along to the other stuff. Joe shook his head and said, "I just said it looked really mean!" I didn't really plan to feed it, though, it just kind of happened. Anyway, I'm pretty anti-ostrich now. But it was a really fun morning and Luke had a blast.

All in all, it has been a really busy weekend. Our backyard may be in desperate need of mowing and our basement is still a mess, but we had fun. Somewhere over the past couple of weeks I broke my camera so I have no pictures from it, but it sounds like a 'grown up' camera is in my future.

Sunday, September 8, 2013


I have found that I start getting hypersensitive to grief triggers a couple months before Olivia's birthday.

A few weeks ago, a friend posted a picture of her little girl and boy going to preschool together. They don't even look like us- towhead pale blonds, both of them- but there was a picture of them from behind them, walking on the sidewalk hand in hand, and the little girl had a too big for her pre-k backpack and the little boy had the same backpack as Luke's dog one, and ugh it just hit me that they should be going to preschool together like that. Luke loves holding hands with his "friends", he would surely love holding his big sister's hand even more.

We haven't really talked much about Olivia to Luke yet. I mean, he's 2. We have the children's book Someone Came Before You but I don't really like reading it that much and Luke doesn't really have the attention span yet I don't think. (I mean, it has been awhile since I tried but since it doesn't feature flaps, trains or vehicles, or animals, I am not thinking it is going to go over that well.) I have finally gotten around to framing a few pictures of the boys and so I have put a couple pictures of Olivia up too. I did casually say to Luke "this is your sister, Olivia." And he looked at it and then proceeded to go play with his trains or something like that, no comment or reaction, not that I expected one, but, I don't know. I hate this.

Anyway, today it started out raining and then ended up a hundred million degrees outside. I have discovered a Burger King near our house recently that has an awesome indoor playplace, not as insane as McDonalds and I think the food tastes better. Luke really needs to get out of the house to burn some steam every day, in some form, so we went there and I bugged Joe into coming along to keep me company. Anyway, we get there and there is a little girl about a year and a half older than Luke arriving with her grandmother. She was nervous about climbing up some of the tubes and ropesand Luke has already been to this place 3 or 4 times now so he eagerly climbs in and tells her "come on."

They played together fabulously and then the little girl asked him his name and I prompted him to answer and ask her her name. Olivia. Joe was waiting for our food at that moment but it was like getting punched in the stomach. I know Olivia is a super common/popular name and we are going to run into girls named Olivia. It wasn't so much that as it was the age difference, the way they just started playing together, the fact that she had long brown hair and brown eyes and easily could have passed for our daughter. And then Luke started saying her name and I had to leave the playroom to go get a brownie sundae with tears in my eyes.

There was a time when I said that the thing that gets easier being around little girls with time is that they are all so different then when they are babies. Like most babies start rolling, crawling, etc. at x months and missing out on those milestones when we should have had a baby ourselves was brutal. But now that we are going on four years...there are so many variances on four year old's it's hard to know what I am missing on exactly. (Although I hear that the start of kindergarten is tough for lots of loss families.) But today, with Luke and Olivia playing together and Luke yelling for her to "come on Wivia!" was way too much like those waves of grief four years ago. And we are still missing out on everything. And it still really really just sucks.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


We had a blast in Chicago. We left around noon and the kids did mostly great for the 5ish hour drive with the exception of the last hour when I ended up having to sit in the 3rd row behind Matthew and feed him baby puffs to keep him happy. He had had enough of everything by then.

We stayed in a hotel in the 'burbs which was perfect. Walking distance to the mall. Free hot breakfast (that was good with eggs and french toast and more!) It had an indoor pool that we never had time to visit, and best of all, it was only about 5 miles away from IKEA.

Day 1 in Chicago we took a train to the city and then hopped on a bus to the Shedd aquarium. (Helpful hint- if you ever go to the Shedd, bring a stroller, even if you don't have a baby, you get to go in through the accessible/stroller entrance which has a much much shorter line then the regular entrance. I saw someone with a teddy bear in their stroller...seriously.) Anyway, besides Matthew having a blow out from his diaper while we were waiting for the train to take us to Chicago, which forced me to run about 1.5 miles to the car and then back (literally minutes before the train arrived), for some dumb reason I decided to CARRY Matthew with me for that fun walk/run. I changed his diaper in the van quickly but looked at the clock and knew I didn't have time to change his clothes so that was just fun all around. Anyway, minus that little incident, we had a great, exhausting day.
Petting the stingrays

We ended up skipping the dolphin show because the kids were just too antsy and we were just there last year. After a bus then train ride we were back to our hotel with two sleeping kids. When they woke up we walked across the street to a bar and grill type restaurant and then I managed to talk Joe into a trip to IKEA. It was supposed to be "just to look" because we were all IKEA newbies, but I ended up buying a bunch of stuff for the kids. (Dishes, a roads rug, train sets, some wooden toys, etc.)

The next day we woke up, ate breakfast, and hit the road for our Day Out with Thomas. The thing was actually about 1.5 hours from Chicago (in super rural Illinois) so we strategically picked out hotel in the middle so we had a 45 min drive there. Some people who had done it before strongly suggested that we get tickets for as early as possible because it gets crowded, that was VERY HELPFUL.

Random sidenote: Chicago people do not mess around with their strollers. When Joe asked if I was nervous parking it (because at the zoo and stuff it does make me nervous.) I laughed and said our stroller is probably the cheapest one there, and it was.

It was a really fun day. They had everything. Train tables, tattoos, a Thomas movie tent, playground, free train and trolley rides, an electric train table, etc. It was really more like a Thomas-train themed fair. Luke was in heaven and I think Joe was too. It was a hot day (figures!), but we had so much fun it was totally worth the drive.

Staking a claim on trains
Serious stuff.

FWIW, the train tables and trains were pretty lame for a Thomas event. A piece of board and less then 5 trains per table. Good thing we did this first before it was crowded. But sheesh, our library has more stuff.

The line for just one car for our trip. They had 5 cars full of passengers and went out on trips every half hour from 10 till 4 pm. So yeah, it was crowded.
Matthew surveying Thomas

Luke and me looking

Only Matt looking. (You can sorta see his tattoo on his forearm.)

Only me looking

Every other kid was wearing this Target Thomas shirt. It would not have been a good day to lose your kid.

One of the old trains from the train museum that hosted the event

Luke driving the free trolley ride

Old men love talking about trains. Luke and Joe got stuck there waiting for him.

Watching the electric train table

And then the official ($22!) picture that I took a picture of...
Luke wasn't happy we made him stand there and Matthew was unimpressed.

This has nothing to do with Chicago except this guy is 10 months old now and I can't believe it!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Preschool woes.

So preschool has not really gotten much better for Luke. Today was the 4th day. On the second day, I left and he cried for a half hour straight before I got him. On Thursday, I went with him for an hour and a half, he cried for some of it still but also went and played. Today I took him when they were outside. He started playing until I told him goodbye then flipped out. He did sit on one of the teacher's laps for awhile but cried for most of the hour I left him. (Ran to buy baby food for Matthew and then went back to check on him, he was standing at the door crying.)

I actually really like his teachers now. And the program. But I am leaning heavily towards pulling him out. I will give it one more day to get much better, talk to our ped tomorrow, etc. I mean, we "could" keep doing what we are doing and I am sure eventually it would get to the point where he would play more than cry. I am not sure I want to work this hard at it, though, or force it as much as we are.

It has gotten to the point where our typically pretty independent kid is very clingy everywhere now. I went to IKEA this weekend while we were in Chicago for a couple hours with Matthew, accidentally left my cell phone in the car, and came back to find Joe had tried to call me 5 times because Luke kept crying for me. Luke does prefer me and prefer to go with me whenever, that's not really new since he's with me more than Joe, but it's definitely not like him to cry when I'm not there.

And then he says, "School, sad. I cry." And I keep trying to say, "No! School is fun! You play with friends. You play outside. You sing songs!" But he just keeps up with the "school. cry" stuff.

Also, the High Maintenance parents and kids. I do not like them. (The first day of school they hogged the window. The second day, they practically shoved me out of the way, while I was standing there holding Matthew, and I was standing to the side of the window so people could still see, not in the middle of it like they do. The third day, they made their kids flip out because they stayed and kept standing at the door where the kids could see them--it happened at least 3 times in the time I was there. I feel really sorry for the teachers. Apparently, their husbands drop them off with the kids in the morning and they stay there the entire time, every day, watching in the hallway. Their kids are criers too and cry the entire time, while they watch them from the hallway, for the 3 hours.) The rest of the kids (10 others) and their parents are fine. But those four. Ugh. I know that I don't get to pick who his classmates are but hopefully we won't run into any other obnoxious foursomes like these ones. I mean, who stays there for 3 hours, EVERY day, and then just stands in the hallway watching your kid cry the whole time? What is the point of that? I don't get it.And I think they are planning on being dropped off and watching in the hallway the whole entire year.

So anyway. I am not so worried about having to have Luke in full time care next year anymore, because #1 I doubt I will get in the ultrasound school program yet (100+ people would have had to decide to drop off the list.) #2 He will be a year older and maybe better able to handle it then. #3 Hopefully my mom is still going to retire for real this year (now she is starting to waver about it) and could watch him most of the time/part time.

The main thing is, I could use a break from him for a few hours a week. I am a better mom-I have a lot more patience for the typical two year old stuff- when we have a few hours apart a week. And with Matthew as a total mama's boy as well, I want Luke to get to do more "fun" stuff like play doh and crafts and finger paint and new stories and stuff that I really just don't have the time or the energy to mess with right now. (Matthew is still not sleeping through the night. Half the time Luke doesn't either. And then they are both up by 5 or 6 am at the latest. So yeah, breaking out the finger paint is not going to happen very often.) But this is turning out to be a whole lot of work and stress and I'm leaning towards it not being worth it, especially for what we are paying, and especially since he's only 2. 

The worst part is that I totally didn't see this coming at all. I was so sure he would do great and love it. I was so excited for him to start. Now I feel like I obviously didn't know my kid at all.

I found an in home daycare-preschool that is Montessori based that I really like what I've seen of, online. Unfortunately, she isn't doing part day options though she does have a 2 full days a week option (that is only slightly more than we are paying now for 3-hours and it includes 2 meals and snacks.) I don't think Luke is ready for full day, anytime soon, but I am thinking that may be a good option for us-maybe starting in January. (I would probably just pay the full day rate and just pick him up after lunch.)

I am going to try again on Thursday, I guess, at least give him an hour. If he doesn't do significantly better, I think we are going to stop and try again later. It just sucks, stressing out about it and not having any magic answers about what to do.

On a brighter note, with the exception of Luke's sadness missing me, and my IKEA trip from hell (spoiler: it started when Matthew pooped all over his clothes and car seat and I had no back up outfit for him since we had used it the day before and very few wipes, it didn't get much better from there.), we had so much fun in Chicago. (And I managed to get in two trips to IKEA that were not hellish.) We were really glad we went and think we may do it again next year. I will write a longer post with pictures on that later.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Preschool (dropout?)

So Luke's first day of preschool was yesterday. At the meet the teacher night, (during which, we really didn't even get to talk to the teacher at all...), Luke was so happy to be there playing. He was all over the room and never even glanced back to see if we were still there. He is like that at most places, so we didn't think he'd really have too much of a hard time. The teacher made a big deal about asking parents not to "sneak out" the first day, make sure you say bye to your kid, most of them do fine after a few minutes of crying. And if they spend the whole time crying, they will give you a call. (And she gave us a paper with tips for the first day that said this as well.)

So we got there and Luke was happily playing. I said bye and he said okay and took my hand like he was going to leave with me. I explained to him that I was going to leave for a little bit, he was going to stay and play, and then I'd come get him in a little bit. I gave him another kiss and said bye and then took him over to some toys, he got distracted playing, and then I left without saying goodbye for a third time. So I sort of snuck out because he may not have really realized I was leaving but I have worked with two year olds. I hated it when the kid would be fine, happily playing, and the parent would keep trying to say goodbye over and over and over until the kid was upset and stressed out and crying. (It seemed like they wanted them to be upset that they were leaving, so they were going to keep rubbing in that they were leaving until the kid was crying!)

There are a bunch of incredibly high maintenance parents from Luke's class. It's a group of like 4 of them. They spent the entire meet the teacher night and the entire morning monopolizing the teacher so no one else could talk to her. I caught the asst. teacher and told them about the pink highlighter Luke drew all over his stomach several days ago, it hasn't come off entirely in the bath yet and it's just faded enough to look like a rash. So I told her about that and told her that he is still in diapers that were in his cubby and left, while Luke was still happily playing, and I had my bright red double stroller so it wasn't very "sneaky".

They have a one way mirror/window in the classroom so parents can see in but kids can't see out. It's small though, like a little bigger than an 8x 10 frame. One of the high maintenance parents was standing right smack in the middle of it just watching her kid play (the others were still in there talking to the teacher), I stood and waited and tried to see around her for a few minutes but then gave up and figured he was probably just fine, I mean they said they would call if the child didn't settle in, etc.

Matthew and I ran to Target and Aldi's nearby, I wanted to stay close in case they had to call. Then I went home to put the stuff away, feed Matthew, pack a lunch for Luke to eat on the way home since pick up was at noon and I was hoping he would eat then fall asleep on the 15 min drive home, and then went to get him.

They do drop off and pick up in an assinine way. They don't just have the class open at 9 and 12 for pick up and drop off for people to stagger in naturally. They have a sign on the door that says "please wait" basically, so everyone is out there waiting and all come in at once. It is a gigantic, unorganized, chaotic clusterfuck.  It doesn't allow for anyone to talk to the teachers and I really hate the way that they do it. (None of the other classrooms in the 2 year old hallway had parents lined up waiting and kids were leaving with their parents as I came in.) It doesn't make the routines any smoother because you have 9+ kids trying to drop off their back packs and wash their hands and everything at once.

Anyway, when I went to pick up, the high maintenance mom from previously was still hogging the window and the other parents were trying to peek in around her while she stood there obliviously. I tried to glance in but I didn't see Luke and assumed he was fine, it's not like they had called me or anything.

So when they 'let us' in the classroom, Luke is laying on the floor behind the teacher, sobbing hysterically-exhaustedly. She says to me that he cried a lot, he did okay when they went outside, then was really upset when they came back in, and probably I should stop by and check in on him next time. And then before I can ask her anything she is off talking to someone else and Luke is trying to drag me out of there so we go.

Ugh. I am so annoyed on so many levels and honestly ready to pull him on the principle that I don't really care for the teacher so far and I am pretty freaking furious that they didn't call me, and that I was just standing outside in the freaking hallway for about 10 minutes, waiting for them to let us in while he was in there crying on the floor after having cried for most of the 3 hours. Luke cries but he is not a kid who cries a lot. He is busy, and gets in to trouble, and has tantrums and whatever, but I don't think I've ever heard him cry for more then 10 minutes. I get that they have a lot of kids and it's chaotic but they also have a front desk and did not have to call me themselves. I'm annoyed with myself for not looking in the window even if I had to push that B-word out of my way. I'm trying to figure out where we go from here and how much I even want to try to make this work.

My biggest concern with pulling him out is if I start ultrasound school next fall, and then he will have to go somewhere fulltime {possibly). But I'm number 148 or something on the waiting list and they only take 24 new students a year. So more than 100 people would have had to decide to not stay on the waiting list/not go, for me to get in next year. (You have to have all your pre-reqs including 120 hours of patient experience done to even get on the waiting list. We get our updated number in Oct.) I am thinking it is pretty unlikely I will be in school next year, and he's a young two/not even 2.5 yet, so it may be the best idea to pull him and try again in a few months with maybe a part time baby sitter or a few hours of daycare. This place is not cheap, it would save us a lot of money, and he may not just be ready yet.

I am annoyed that it's already 15 minutes away and they want me to stop by and see how he's doing when he's only there for 3 hours. That they didn't call when they said they would. With some of the other obnoxious parents that are probably going to be this way all year.

The things I like about it is that the teachers mostly have degrees, both in early childhood and special ed. They are NAEYC accredited which does not come easily or cheaply. The facility is very nice, the people who work there are very nice. I like the special ed teacher more than I like the main teacher and I think Luke does too.

But I worked with 2 year olds for several years, we would have never let a child cry for more than a couple hours without calling his parents. Never ever ever. I don't need an early childhood degree to know that much is not appropriate. I trusted that they would call me and now I don't really have much trust in them at all. I would have never ever ever suggested that a parent should stop and check in and maybe pick up early, I would have said "we will call you if he's struggling for more than a few minutes".And I think someone who has been doing this for 6 years should have figured out a better drop off/pick up situation then the madness it is now. I understand not having the door open at 8:30...but at 8:57? I think I will purposely come late to avoid that.

Anyway, I'm going to pay for the month and see if it gets better, but I'm already leaning towards pulling him out unless he warms up quickly and it gets better. It makes no sense for me to pay over 200 a month if I'm going to be driving a half hour to get there and back and then have hang out there for an hour of the three hours.

At least Luke doesn't seem traumatized from it. He ignores all talk about school completely, even when we tell him he's going back to play there again soon, etc.  He told my mom he went to school and that was it.

 Miraculously I managed to get everything and everyone early enough to snap a few pictures that Luke was not very cooperative for, the happier times:

Matthew woke up happy

Under his hand says "a surprise"

He looks upset here but he was just talking expressively

ALMOST smiling

Both kids- and I give up because we didn't have THAT much time to spare.