Monday, June 27, 2016

Triggers, triggers, everywhere.

A few days ago, Facebook was nice enough to show me my pregnancy announcement from 7 years ago, complete with ultrasound pictures. [I hate you more and more, Facebook.]

The calm before the storm.

We waited until we were "safe" at 12 weeks to announce it. We were so excited. I spent weeks garage-sale'ing for gender neutral stuff and hours agonizing over cribs and baby gear, none of which we ended up needing. My garage sale "finds" are in a box in the basement where they've been for 7 years and I think the box will be moving to our new house with us because I can't really bring myself to get rid of it, even now. 

I binge watched all of Grey's Anatomy this winter (my first time watching it, and spoiler, they have babies die lots of times in the 12 or 13 seasons..) It turns out there is a spinoff from it, Private Practice, which features a high risk doctor and therefore lots and lots of pregnancy issues. I'm only midway through season 2 but I was watching it the other day while Lucas was in the room playing a game on the tablet. I didn't think he was paying attention to the tv, until all of a sudden he asked me,
"When we have our next baby...a girl baby...can you make sure we have lots of medicine?"

Ugh. After telling him there were no guarantees for a 'next baby' and definitely not a 'girl baby', and evading and asking more questions, he wants us to make sure we have lots of medicine handy so 'our next girl baby' DOESN'T DIE TOO. We talked a little but I mostly changed the subject because I didn't really want to have an in-depth conversation with a five year old that sometimes babies die even with all the medicine. (Actually I'm pretty sure I took the easy out and said yeah, I'll make sure we have lots of medicine). It's bad enough that in his 5 year old reality, sometimes babies die. Oh, and he also wants to name the next baby Olivia. I ignored that because it's assuming we have another baby, a girl, and explaining why we can't name this hypothetical baby the same name as his sister just didn't seem worth the discussion in that moment. If we have another baby and it's a girl we can tackle it then. 

It's crazy how much Lucas talks about Olivia while Matthew mostly seems oblivious still. Then again, Matthew just now started caring about his baby brother Ethan so probably asking him to have opinions/thoughts on an abstract 'sister in heaven' who was here and gone long before him may be asking a lot. 

The challenges are very different now then they were several years ago when the grief and loss was so new, but they are still always there, lingering.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016


"Let me love you a little more before you're not little anymore"

A couple weeks ago, our rainbow baby turned five. I have no idea how we got from bringing a 7 pound baby home from the hospital to watching him graduate preschool today in the blink of an eye, but here we are.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up from preschool, he came over and gave me the usual hug that is our routine when he sees me, but then burst into tears. He told me he was crying because today was going to be the last day of preschool. I had to suck it up and not cry myself too even though I totally felt like it. THANKFULLY his preschool teacher was right there to tell him how much fun he's going to have in kindergarten and that he's going to do so well. Today we both held it together until we walked out the door, it took me awhile to get the picture of him outside the building because he kept crying.

When I graduated high school 10ish years ago[let's pretend it was 10], I never imagined I'd be walking the same halls with three kids in tow three days a week, leaving one of them with my old child development class teacher who still looks and acts exactly the same. But then again, I never imagined we would have a baby die or that I'd be a stay at home mom or basically most of the things that have developed over the past seven years. And holy cow, I definitely could have never imagined how fast these five years could possibly go.

I had to drag Lucas crying through those halls the first day of preschool two years ago. And even though it killed me to leave him, his teacher swore he would be fine. [I wasn't so sure after he spent the 3 hour sessions crying the entire time the year before, for a month, before we finally pulled him out.] After the second day, he never ever cried about going to school again, and in fact I would get him ready faster in the mornings by threatening to not let him go. [Not my finest parenting/former teacher moment, but he loved preschool so much that saying "Get your shoes on right now or I am telling your teacher you aren't coming today" worked better then anything else, always.]

This year is a bit overwhelming, we have so many big changes we are all going through and the changes are only getting bigger in the months to come as we move into a new house, I go back to school, and Lucas goes to school full time. But whenever I find myself getting too stressed about it, I remember how quickly this year went by, and remember how overwhelming it seemed to have to drag a newborn and a toddler through the high school three times a week, two times a day, back in August, but we survived it and it went by so quickly.

As overwhelming and exhausting as being home with three kids can be, I am going to miss it, these days when we can decide on a whim to go to the park with some uncrustables for lunch, or to go hang out in the children's zoo for three hours watching them play in sand tables and on the slides or today we went strawberry picking after preschool graduation, just everything. We only have a few months left for these fun days of mostly doing whatever we want, I definitely intend to take advantage of it.

It is definitely bittersweet, this growing up stuff. 

Friday, July 17, 2015

MIA and 4 year olds are funny!

Whoops. Well it seems I accidentally stopped blogging for about a year and a half but I am going to try to make a comeback. Not making any promises but now that I have my account information again I'm hoping to stick around.

To recap the last year, Matthew turned 2 in October and is as high maintenance as ever. Lucas turned 4 in April and is crazy independent and hilarious.  Last summer I got pregnant and had a miscarriage a few weeks before Olivia's 5th birthday, not such great timing. Luckily I got pregnant again easily a couple months later when I was 'sort of' cleared to try again by my OB. (Well okay, actually she told me to wait a month but I didn't but I didn't get pregnant that month anyway.) I got a positive pregnancy test just a couple days before Christmas and here we are, 33 weeks pregnant with baby boy #3 who might never have a name. (Just kidding, we have a short list and a pretty good idea of what we are naming him but we are going to wait until we meet him this time to officially decide.) Being pregnant through the summer pretty much SUCKS, but it is a hell of a lot better than NOT being pregnant and trying or the alternatives. This has actually been my easiest pregnancy so far, sadly multiple times I have forgotten how many weeks pregnant I am. (Thank goodness for the monthly ultrasounds to remind me which has the gestational age input already or I'd be seriously clueless.)

Lucas has had so many hilarious one liners this week that I've meant to write down and then forgot so I'm trying to remember and recap them here as well as keeping an email to myself with them when I can.

So earlier this week, my mom watched the kids while I had an ultrasound and monitoring appointment (that's a blog for another day in itself). My mom was feeding them lunch and Luke got this random fork with engraving/etching on the stem from the silverware drawer and was seriously seriously impressed with it. "Oh, that fork is BEAUTIFUL. Can I please eat with it?" She let him use it and he seriously talked about the fork "with hair on it" (um, because it had wavy lines etched in?) that apparently were super impressive to a 4 year old.

We have been talking loosely about new houses and selling/buying for next spring/summer. On Monday we actually drove out to look at a new development to see if it would be an option we would want to consider (maybe?) so Lucas has noticed that. At first he cried about not wanting to leave his 'snuggly wonderful home' but lately he has been having nightmares (thank you so much alien episode of Paw Patrol), and so he asked if we could move to a home with no windows. (Um, no.) I was ambivalent about it because we aren't moving until next year at the soonest. So then he sweetly says, "And when we are done with our house, we can give it to someone else?" "Sure". "How about those people coming over on the boats?" Whuck? I tried to get more information about 'what people coming over on the boats' but never really nailed down specifics. I don't think he's talking about immigrants but who knows. We've had tons of rain and flooding this summer so maybe he saw a glimpse of that on the news? No idea. But he has big plans for us to move to a house with no windows and give our house to people coming over on boats.

And then Wednesday, we were at tot swim at the pool when Matthew fell and hit his face/mouth on the concrete of the pool. Awesome! It bled a ton. I wasn't worried about his teeth being loose or chipped because I could tell they weren't but his gums above his two front teeth turned a nasty purple/blue color. I called my dentist (who also sees kids but neither of my kids had been to the dentist yet because I'm a horrible mother and I hate dentists even though I love my dentist ;) ). She asked me to bring him in right away, so we did. Thankfully everything is fine and Matthew was only mildly traumatized by his first trip to the dentist. He actually did much better there than he does at the ped's office so it was better than I expected. Lucas took it ALL in and thought it was a grand old time since he didn't have to actually do anything dentist-y besides observe Matthew's trauma and then they both got to pick a toy out of the 'treasure box'. Hours later, he would say things like, "So when Matthew goes back to the dentist to get his teeth pulled, can I get another toy out of the treasure box?"  And then when we said that Matthew wasn't getting his teeth pulled (poor Matthew was rather alarmed by his question and said "No!") , he said, "Oh, okay, I mean when Matthew hurts his teeth again.." He has big plans for Matthew's future dentistry, not so much for himself.  After the dentist we went back to the playground because I had promised Matthew we would go back to play after, as we are leaving my mom who was with us, says, "It's been a rough day in the neighborhood." Lucas scowls at her, looks around the park, and says, "This is NOT a neighborhood."

And then, my favorite, a few days ago Lucas stubbed his toe on something and asked me to put the 'magic oil' on it. (Which is a tea tree oil blend of stuff that I swear helps with healing faster.) So I put a few dabs on it, he tentatively walked and decided it was all better. A few hours later he comes up next to me and says, "Mommy, I'm so glad you are in my family." I was caught off guard and just looked at him,"What?" "You give me hugs and kisses and put oil on my toe when it's hurt and take good care of me." It was so random and out of nowhere (and awesome!)

And not to be outdone, earlier in the week, Lucas and Matthew are bickering over something, nothing unusual around here. Matthew picks up his foam bat and whacks Lucas with it a couple times. (Lucas is pretty obnoxious to Matthew most of the time and will run up and grab whatever toy he's playing with or whatever. So I kinda let Matthew fight back when I can and he's not seriously hurting his brother because otherwise I'd be intervening 9 million times a day.)  I did tell Matthew we don't hit people with bats, blah blah blah, and a few minutes later they are playing together again peacefully. After a few minutes, completely on his own, Matthew walks up to Lucas and gives him a hug and says, "Me sorry me hit you with the bat bubba." (His word for brother/Lucas). I need to record them together sometime because when they aren't beating each other up or bickering they are so cute.

Okay, I think those were all the main snippets I wanted to write down before I forget them but I will try to update again before next year.

Sunday, April 27, 2014


Today our baby boy turned 3. Crazy how fast time flies.


18 months
He is ALL little boy now. He tells knock knock jokes. "Knock knock" "who's there?" "Lucas the mailman" idea WHERE he picked that up from but he loves telling it.
He LOVES Paw Patrol and has all of the episodes memorized. He also still likes Blues Clues. He can count to twenty and knows most of his colors. Talks A LOT. Loves firetrucks. Has no interest in wearing underwear. "Diapers mom". He also loves trucks and buses and cars and all that "boy" classic stuff. Loves his brother, playing outside, playing with friends. Our world is so much better with him in it.

And this guy turned 18 months on Saturday.

18 months

1 year


Hard to believe he is now Luke's age when he was born. He is starting to talk more, 'bye', 'og'(dog), 'ish(fish), ma, da,. He still bangs his head on whatever is near when he gets mad- which is often. He bites and headbutts too. But he LOVES his big brother and playing with balls and rocks and outside. (He has gone up to the door to bang his head on the door when he wants out.) Also loves dogs and trucks and finding trouble. He is much more subtle about finding trouble than Luke was, and when he gets into stuff he knows he's not supposed to, he gets a huge smirk or grin. He does smile and laugh a lot, but he makes you work for it. Our world is much brighter with our boys in it, that is for sure.

Easter 2014

Friday, January 31, 2014

Matthew at 15 months

We had Matthew's 15 month appointment on Tuesday and hooray his ear is still clear despite colds!

Anyway, he is walking (took a few steps Christmas Eve and then here and there until recently), but he still has the woobly and slow "old man walk" and I love it because he isn't fast yet. He knows when he needs to get somewhere FAST (like when Luke opens the door to let the dogs outside), to drop down and crawl. But he is walking more and more so I suspect he will be done with crawling all together soon.

He says "ma" and "da" and "guh" (dog, lol) and "ish" (fish). He loves to point at EVERYTHING and he loves food. He also is still my velcro baby always wanting to be right next to me. Luke has been really mean to him lately so this sounds horrible but I can't wait till he can fight back a little more or at least he's a little more stable on his feet because Luke finds it endlessly amusing to knock him down. (And yes we don't just let him but none of the consequences we've tried have helped much yet so far. I mean it helps for an hour.)

Luke will be 3 in 3 months and has NO interest in using the potty suddenly, even insisting on diapers then telling us to change him. (Annoying!) He can count to 18 and knows colors and some shapes I think. (Definitely knows colors and he just pointed out a circle and triangle.) He LOVES building lately (Matthew loves knocking it down which results in getting pushed or hit which results in 2 crying kids and Luke in time out...ahhh siblings.) Kisses still fix everything and he says the funniest things all the time. SOOO ready for preschool next year!

That is all for now but I really need to catch up again soon.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 in review

I have been so horrible about blogging lately, this seems a good way to catch up and recap. Stolen from Brooke .

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Took a road trip to Florida with a 2 month old and almost 2 year old. "Met" Thomas the train. Went to my first (of many!) Pure Romance party. Left Luke at preschool. Went to Ikea for the first time (also of many!) I actually feel like we did a pretty decent job of kicking butt in 2013.

 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Did I make a resolution last year? If I did, it's pretty much a blur. I probably resolved to lose the baby weight from Matthew which did not exactly happen. (Well, some of it.)

I want to *finish* losing the baby weight, start exercising more regularly again, and spend more deliberate time just playing with the kids, get back to blogging regularly again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep, I have a few friends who had baby girls this past year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Fortunately, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
No countries. We did take road trips to Florida, Chicago, Kansas City, and Steelville, MO. The boys were awesome travelers.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Health! We were sick for so much of 2013. Thankfully nothing serious but it was one constant cold after another and we ended the year with Matthew finally (hopefully) recovering from his 2-month-long ear infection. His tear duct corrected itself on it's own after we stressed and stressed for weeks about doing surgery to correct it or not. (And after being told since he was older than a year it would not correct itself on it's own...WRONG. It did, about a week after we were told that.) A healthy 2014 would be awesome.  And I wouldn't complain about money either. :)
7. What dates from 2013 will remained etched upon your memory?
Luke's 2nd birthday, Matthew's 1st birthday, Christmas with the boys, Luke's first Easter going on egg hunts and first time trick or treating.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of the house, regularly, with both boys on my own. (Sometimes even on time.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Potty training has gone horribly wrong.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
We have been sick a lot with one minor annoying thing after another. We had the stomach flu twice. We are usually pretty healthy so it was a rough year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our new fireplace and sectional. Also my Nook glowlight. For the kids, our backyard wooden playset and our zoo membership.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I think Joe may win for taking us along to Florida and KC. The Cardinals for making it to the World Series.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
 Agreed with Brooke on Congress. And America in general with the lame Duck Dynasty crap and whatever. And the Cardinals for playing like crap and losing the World Series. And the crazy parents and their stupid crap my teacher mom and other friends who work in schools have to deal with regularly. I am so glad I am no longer teaching.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Stuff around the house- furniture, tv, kitchen island.

15. What did you get really excited about?
Cardinals! Matthew taking his first steps. Christmas with the kids.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
 Sad but "What Does the Fox Say" is the first thing that comes to mind. Luke likes doing the "nah nah nah" part and Matthew stands there and dances when it comes on.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder?  happier  
 thinner or fatter?  slightly thinner but definitely a work in progress
- richer or poorer?  about the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
More blogging, more sleep (nothing crazy but getting 5 hours a night in a row would be amazing on a regular basis).

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
 Less online shopping--went way overboard for Christmas on "great deals", on the bright side, done with Luke's bday present.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas morning with my parents and siblings after the boys played on their ride on train, then to my paternal grandmother's house for Christmas with the extended family, then the cemetery to visit Olivia, then home where the boys finally opened their presents under the tree. It was a crazy whirlwind day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Already was.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
So many. New to me was Suits. New in general Masters of Sex except now our free trial for premium channels ended so I missed the last episode. (If you have Showtime, it is a fantastic drama about an obgyn/fertility doctor doing a study on human sexuality. It is based here in St.Louis at Wash U and is not actually as smutty as it sounds. It also touches on subjects like infertility and pregnancy loss and does it spectacularly IMO. It has been nominated for awards.) Not new but in general- New Girl, The Mindy Project, The Voice.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hmm. Not that I can think of.

24. What was the best book you read?
Lots of smut. Wallbanger by Alice Clayton was the funniest, "best" is relative.

25. What was your favorite musical discovery?
Hmm. Jetty Rae. She is a folksy style singer who sings about losing her daughter, especially "Climbing Clouds"

26. What did you want and get?
So many great trips and happy memories with our kids

27. What did you want and not get?

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
We have only seen Catching Fire in theater, and liked it a lot (and btw, it was totally worth the extra money for the fancy heated massage seats and food service!) We really don't get to watch a lot of movies because there is almost always little eyes and ears up if we are both awake. (Maybe that should be another goal for 2014- more date nights/find a real babysitter besides family!)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
30- went to dinner with my family, tried to have a party the next day but it turns out as usual Dec.27th is a horrible birthday-date wise, so my best friend from hs only made it and we hung out and watched Magic Mike and drank wine. (I made Joe take the kids out for a few hours.)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Eh...having Olivia here? Winning the lottery? This question is kinda lame because what's the point?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
"I hate my body right now"/struggling to find things that look decent/don't want to spend a lot of money on new clothes when I'm working on losing weight= lots of jeans and tshirts

 32. What kept you sane?
Watching the kids play together, is the best thing ever.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I love Kate Middleton as well. And Channing Tatum. :)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The gun control stuff makes me insane. Agree with Brooke on the ACA too.

35. Who did you miss?

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Drawing a blank.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
This too shall pass.
It is HARD having 2 kids only 18 months apart. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night, and if it happened there was almost definitely a kid in bed with us. It takes me an hour to get both kids ready and in the car (to say nothing of getting myself ready). The kids already fight over toys, hit and bite and push each other. And we were sick a lot last year. And Matthew is still VERY clingy especially to me.

But it definitely has gotten easier as they get older. I know there will be someday when I do get to sleep through the night without a kid draped across me. And I will probably miss these days of blogging with Matthew napping nestled up cozy in my other arm (literally right now). And it is worth all the hard work and hard times. It definitely beats the alternative of not having them here. The boys fill our hearts and lives with so much love and light.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you

-Blake Shelton

2013, road trips, lots of laughs, two healthy, happy kids (albeit sleepfree), our finest hour yet.

I am happy to put 2013 "in the books" as my old softball coaches would say and looking forward to all of the promise 2014 holds. I hope all of your new years are full of love and laughter as well.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Christmas with Luke

Luke is so in love with everything Christmas-y this year, especially the lights and snow and Christmas specials on tv.

This was our first year ever putting up lights on the outside of our house. Luke LOVES them and helps Joe turn them on every night.  And still, every day, he says, "Look! Look! Lights! Wow!"

And then the snow came for Friday morning (well, more like a dusting then actual accumulation.) He was so excited to see it. He looked out the sliding glass door to our backyard and was saying, "Wow! Snow!" Then he ran to the front door and was really excited "MORE SNOW!" He points the the backyard and says, "One snow" then points at the front, "Two snow!" Love it!

No real time to post more, Matthew just finally fell asleep (on his 3rd round of antibiotics for a freaking ear infection that is not going away), but wanted to write these down so I don't forget.