Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Our photographer put this collage together for me, and I love it, but I can't help but wonder if Olivia would be looking more like Lucas or more like Matthew. Or I guess since she was first I should say, if Lucas or Matthew look more like her. They all looked alike as newborns, well, as much alike as a 23 weeker can look compared to nearly full term babies, but now Matthew looks more like Joe and Luke looks a lot like my dad and brother. And I can't really or won't let myself really imagine what Olivia would look like now, at almost four. Or what she would have looked like at six months. Or two.

Geez. Almost 4 years. It seems forever ago and yesterday all at once.

The boys are SO ridiculously cute together (when Luke is not kicking or hitting Matthew), it makes my heart feel so full and yet hurt so much all at once without her here to join in the circus.

This weekend we went to Purina Farms since Luke has been asking to see cows nonstop even at the zoo. We ran into a casual friend who has a son in school, then lost her daughter, then has a boy Luke's age and is pregnant again. I hadn't seen her or talked to her since this winter, when she was pretty newly pregnant, and anyway, it turns out she is having her third boy. I can imagine that being me all too well.

I love my boys. I love that they both have a brother to grow up with. I love watching them laugh and play together. I wouldn't change either of them for anything (although if either of them decides to become a decent sleeper that would be great.)

But still, I miss our daughter and less importantly, all the "girl" stuff that we are missing out on now. We have talked about it and tentatively decided we might try this one last time, maybe around next fall when Matthew's around 2. I (Not going to purposely do the 2 under 2 thing again.I strongly do NOT recommend it although it has gotten easier.) I know we won't be guaranteed a daughter, even if it only seems to be fair for everyone to get a baby the same gender of the baby they lost, that isn't how it works. We could just as easily end up raising three boys as we could two boys and a daughter or even just not be able to have more. If this is how it is, we're still very very lucky to have our two healthy and awesome boys. And we would be lucky to have a third boy or second daughter. I have always wanted three living kids, so if Matthew had been a girl, I probably would have still tried to talk Joe into another baby (it would have been a harder sell.)

Anyway, I know this sounds really jerky. But I get really wistful about all the little girl rainbow babies. Not exactly jealous but it's just more in my face, that I hope I get to have a living daughter someday. Even though I hope for it, I am trying to expect and plan on any other baby being a boy (which would certainly save us money on toys and clothes), and it's a lot easier for me to picture being a mom to three boys plus Olivia.

It's hard to even describe my feelings, really. It's not typical "gender disappointment" because we had a daughter we didn't get to raise. But then on the other hand, I know how wonderful boys are, and I can so easily picture a third boy fitting right in our family. But then I am back to, damn. I hope we get to have a daughter someday. But then I am back to KNOWING that a healthy baby is really all that matters and hoping for a certain gender plus a healthy baby is practically downright greedy when I know how common loss is. "You get what you get and you don't have a fit". One more is definitely our limit, especially physically/emotionally, (it will be higher risk again, c-section #4 which starts getting not so nice statistically).

I have joked before that one way to get rid of "THAT question" is to have two close in age. No one has asked me how many kids we have in ages. If anything, I get sympathetic looks and "wow, you have your hands full!" or "god bless you" or stuff like that. Which suits me just fine. But still, I have already been asked, Don't you want a daughter? (UGH. That is a million times worse than how many kids we have since it strikes a chord.) Or if we are going to "try to have a daughter"...So I guess people come up with crappy questions and things to say, albeit well meaning, no matter what.


Jessica said...

Your boys are adorable! I love the photo captures so much more than their photos.

The questions...ugh! They come in all forms and still feel like a sucker punch. Most of them come from a naive/unknowing place...but getting them from those that know are a million times worse.

Brooke said...

For what it's worth, I think Olivia would look like Luke with your gorgeous blue eyes.

I totally get you on the gender thing. I really, really do. It's two separate losses, really--the loss of Olivia herself and the loss of your opportunity to raise a daughter. Olivia is the greater loss, of course, but the other is heartbreaking in its own way.

Ugh. Nosy people and their questions.

Addi's mom said...

I get this on SO many levels. Like Brooke said it's like two separate losses. It keeps me up at night. To think I may never get the chance to parent a living daughter...well I'll just say that I get it.

Kim said...

It is all so difficult, no matter what. I was braiding my cousins hair and I thought, I should be doing this ALL the time. I hope you get another baby girl♥

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