I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks, yesterday, since Lucas was born. He's awake a little bit more these days but still not a lot. Yesterday we both heard him laugh for the first time (and it's a good thing Joe was there for it or I would have had to pretend it didn't happen because he would have been devastated to miss it.) He's eating better, sleeping is iffy. He's holding his head up pretty amazingly well for a 3 week old, but he's spent a lot of time on his belly on our chests. He's still wearing newborn clothes and diapers, and a lot of his clothes that is supposedly newborn size is still big, so I don't see him moving up a size anytime soon.
Last Monday we trekked to the ob's office on Monday for my incision check. (I know I really had a c-section but this recovery has been ridiculously easy, I wasn't even taking tylenol by the last couple days in the hospital.) I was nervous about taking him out by myself but he mostly slept and was easy. Last Tuesday we went to his doctor for a weight check, he weighed in at 7lbs 5 ounces, which is great. And then Thursday we went to brunch with my friend Jackie and her rainbow baby Zackary. This week we've laid low at home, mostly because while eating has gotten better especially the last couple of days, we aren't quite there on sleeping at night. One day this week...I think maybe Monday...I looked at the clock as I was attempting to go to bed for the first time with him finally asleep and content and it was 5 am. Last night was better, I managed to get in bed for an hour at 2 am. It's a bit difficult, but I'm loving every minute of this anyway. (Said baby is currently curled up on my chest which is the best way to get him to sleep.)
Breastfeeding has been...interesting. I was leaning strongly towards just pumping and giving him bottles of breastmilk because it was so frustrating and exhausting and not going so great. But we've been working on it this week and I think we've finally actually resolved the issues we've been having. I'm pretty encouraged that we have the hang of it now and hope it continues. And a bonus, I have an oversupply, so we already have a freezer full of milk,which just relaxes me more knowing that I don't have to worry about not having enough to feed him anytime soon. Keeping up with his appetite has been a little rough, not that I don't have enough milk, just mentally, it still seems like he eats all day and night nonstop. Spend an hour feeding him and an hour later he wants to eat again, that sort of thing. Hopefully with our issues resolved and him getting older and eating better, it will get better too. We'll see.
Emotionally, it's weird. I'm happier than I've been in a very very long time. There is definitely some healing that comes with no longer being in that awkward horrible [living]childless mother stage. But the awkwardness and missing our baby girl is always there, too. Monday was the anniversary of the day that I had my positive pregnancy test with Olivia, it didn't escape us, how much we've been through in the last two years. And little things, like the nurse practitioner for my incision check asking how our daughter is doing with the baby (seriously! We just went over that when I was 30ish weeks pregnant and she asked if I'd breastfed her.) Apparently she keeps remembering that we have a daughter but keeps inconveniently forgetting that she died. Then again, I guess I'd rather Olivia be brought up like that, even as sucky as that is, then ignored as if she was never here at all. Anyway, there are no magic bandaids in the form of rainbow babies. We adore our little boy and wouldn't trade him for anything, but our baby girl is still gone, and that will always suck and there will always be someone missing no matter how many babies we have. I think of her now as much as ever. We won't just pretend like it's all better now that we have Lucas, they don't cancel each other out. And we won't pretend like she was never here now that we have a living baby. What we will do, is remember her like we always have been, and be incredibly grateful for her little brother, because we have an appreciation for him that wouldn't have been quite the same if she were here too.
Our first stop on the way home from the hospital.
Going home outfit.
`Koda still isn't sure what to think, he keeps his distance but is curious. (Rogue just keeps her distance.)