Lucas antics and 9 month pictures

Yesterday, Luke was playing with my phone. My cell phone is an old school, ancient, flip phone that I bought from some guy on Craigslist after my phone broke less than a year into my contract. Texting is a huge pain, it has no data or internet, it's mostly just good for calls. There is no way to lock it besides shutting it. Luke likes to open it and press buttons and sometimes manages to call people, I caught him calling Joe a couple weeks ago, he was crawling away from me as fast as he could with my phone in hand as I could hear it ringing. I grabbed it (cue tantrum) and closed it. Anyway, yesterday Luke kept hitting numbers and I joked to Joe that hopefully he wouldn't end up calling someone in China or Japan. (I grab it and close it to clear it every once in awhile to hopefully prevent him from calling anyone.) Well he maneuvered himself into the corner of the room and kept saying hi over and over. By the time I got to him and got to the phone, there was no indication of a call (he had closed it though which hangs up and clears it), I didn't think to check "dialed calls".

A couple hours later, my mom called and asked if I was okay. Uh, yeah. Then she asked if I knew that Luke had called her and kept saying hi to her over and over again, and she even put my brother on the phone and he said hi to him, too. Then he hung up.  And my mom thought it was funny and figured I didn't know it since she knows he likes playing with my phone and I let him. Then she started getting all crazy and thought what if I was passed out or otherwise incapacitated and Luke was calling her in distress. Uh, no. I know my kid is smart (he has this car thing that you have to shift the gear thing 3 times and then it starts playing a song he likes to dance and clap too, he shifts the gear twice and will start clapping and dancing before the song even starts. I noticed it today and told Joe and he was like "oh yeah, he's been doing that..."), anyway, he's smart, but I would not want to be unconscious and reliant on him and my cell phone in an emergency...he's as likely to call China as he is my mom.

Joe has taught him to respond to "how old are you?" by pointing a finger, so it looks like he's showing "1". He also has figured out "so big" and clapping and itsy bitsy spider and waving, although sometimes he gets it all mixed up and might clap instead of wave, or something like that.  He is walking all of the time, too. And busy, busy, busy. Sleeping? Eh, not so great.

Our photographer has been really busy because one of her friends lost their house and belongings in a fire and she was letting the family stay with them (they have 3 kids.) So she just got our disc for the 9 month pictures to us late this week, but I've got to say, the pictures are so so so worth the wait!  The disc she sent has 364 pictures and most of them are pretty fantastic, so I'm just going to post a few of my personal favorites.

Easter eggs (pictures)

My mom's friend who hosted my baby shower for Lucas around this time last year (wah!) has an easter egg dyeing night every year before Easter. This year my mom called and asked if she could take Lucas. I told her no but I would bring him by when I was done volunteering at the hospital.

So that's what we did. Pardon me looking like crap, Luke has decided to sleep as little as possible and I can't be bothered with makeup in the few precious minutes I have to get ready without him screaming or emptying out our bathroom drawers and cabinets.

My baby is looking very toddler-ish in this picture!

Wow!

Let's just stick my hand in!

What's so funny? (Note the green hand)

Diving right into the dye

Me and my baby. (He does not mind it when we put stuff on his head.)

These are fun toys! (He cracked like 4 of my mom's eggs.)

This is fun!

Serious business! (This was before the hand turned green. My mom, me, and Luke.)

Eggs!

Picture with our hostess! (Who is also making Luke's birthday cake because she is crazy talented!)

Easter was good. Joe had to work. Luke and I spent the day with my family. (My sister called at 10 and said to come over and bring my appetite. That was easy.) Luke played and played and played. Then we went to my grandmother's house for dinner and met Joe there. It was a pretty quiet night. My grandmother gave Luke this car with a dog in it that plays the Most Annoying Music Ever but Luke LOVES it. He claps his hands and dances and laughs every time it says or sings something, so I'll deal with it (for now. If the batteries run out...I might take my time replacing them.) She also gave him a stuffed animal duck which he found pretty amusing too. (And made me think of Brooke and baby duck Eliza.) The "easter bunny" brought him a ride on train that has a bunch of different spinning toys and stuff on it. The seat lifts up and has a spot to store toys and things. Luke's favorite thing to do is to fill it with plastic easter eggs and then empty it. He has ridden on the train too but he's not crazy about it yet, I don't think he likes feeling out of control when someone is pushing him.

This was the first time in two years that we didn't go to the cemetery on Easter. I should feel guilty about it, but I don't really. (It's 45 min away and I didn't feel like driving out there myself when I was already really tired. And Saturday we were busy with the Easter bunny and trying to get as much done around the house as possible since it was Joe's only day off.) Maybe this is progress? I definitely thought about Olivia a lot, Easter is always hard for that. In fact, Saturday night we were at Applebees getting dinner. Luke started getting a little whiny and then something at the ceiling caught his attention and he stopped, transfixed. I looked up to see what had his rapt attention and it was a pink sparkly streamer with a butterfly at the end of it, hanging right over our table. So then I looked around the restaurant and they had streamers everywhere, but all of the other streamers had bunnies and eggs and flowers and ducks...no other butterflies except the very one we were sitting under and I wouldn't have noticed without Luke staring at it. So, take that for what you will.

Luke has been taking steps here and there for a week or two now. On the 6th, he walked about 6 or 7 steps in a row from Joe to me, the most he had ever done without lunging forward/falling/grabbing something/crawling. Today he started walking around the room, on his own, towards stuff he wanted. *sigh* So I guess he's an official walker now though he's still predominantly crawling. How fast it goes. It's so hard to believe that at this time last year, he wasn't even here yet.

Easter Bunny

So the Bass Pro shops here do free Easter Bunny and Santa pictures every year (and also let you take your own if you wish.) I am a sucker for a good (or free) deal. I was iffy on doing an Easter bunny picture because Luke is too young to understand it, a lot of the easter bunnies now look pretty creepy to me (including the one at Bass Pro), and I wasn't sure we wanted to mess with it. Today is Joe's only day off work for the week and Luke has been sleeping badly (or really I should just say NOT sleeping) this week, so I am extra tired too.

Alas, the mommy guilt won. I can't *not* get Luke's picture with the easter bunny for his first Easter. Which also happens to be his Last First Holiday until/except his birthday. (Wah!) We went to my mom's friends last night to dye Easter eggs, which Luke loved a lot (especially dipping his hand in the green dye), and also grabbing and smashing multiple eggs. I think we should have some cute pictures from that soon.

Anyway, so we went, after stopping at McAlister's for lunch first to get Luke covered in mac n cheese. We got to Bass Pro about 1 and it was packed as usual. (It's actually usually pretty busy all weekends.) The line to see the Easter bunny stretched to the back of the store. We got in it, Joe started whining but Luke was good (better than Joe.) Luckily the line moved quickly. But not quickly enough for us not to notice about 2 families ahead of us was a couple with a little boy just barely older than Luke, with a daughter between 2 or 3. I didn't even notice them at first until the dad was taking the little boy off to see the fish while mom and daughter stayed in line. The daughter tried to go with her dad and mom says, No Olivia, you stay here with mommy. And how's that for an Easter weekend sucker punch? That line could not move fast enough. And then they kept talking and her mom kept saying her name over and over again. Enough that Joe had walked away to look around and then came back and even he noticed them. He asked if I was okay and I said yes but ugh. Their turn came and the little girl smiled for the picture while her little brother cried. It never stops sucking that she isn't here. And even though Olivia's name is her name and we knew it was popular when we chose it, it sucks sometimes randomly hearing it when we're out like that. If the little girl's name hadn't been Olivia, we probably wouldn't have even really noticed or paid much attention to them.

Anyway, Luke didn't love the Easter bunny, but he didn't have a total meltdown either. He made a face like he might cry but then just sorta looked around and by then it was over. So we'll call it a success. I think this particular Easter Bunny was rather creepy looking so I wouldn't have really blamed him for crying, especially since this was his first experience with costumed characters.

Late night ER visit

Last night at about 11, Luke woke up shrieking at the top of his lungs like he has never screamed before. He didn't even want to be awake, his eyes were mostly closed, but he was screaming and writhing like he was in pain.

I tried to calm him down for a few minutes unsuccessfully, then panicked and woke up Joe. My immediate thought was he had managed to swallow something bad, somewhere/somehow and now it was stuck.

Called our pediatrician's exchange which goes to a nurse at Children's Hospital, tried to answer her questions while examining our screaming baby. (By this point he had been screaming at the top of his lungs for about 20 minutes. One of the questions was "is his abdomen swollen?" And Joe freaking said yes, I really couldn't tell, but I went with what he said.) At that point she said, "Ok, you need to go into the hospital tonight."

Since I volunteer at the closest hospital to us, I know that they don't have a children's unit, everything is mostly adult sized and they are not really used to working with very many kids- especially babies. Since I was worried he would god forbid need surgery or at least an xray, we decided to drive the half hour to the nearest hospital (where both babies were born) which does have a pediatric ER and a children's hospital.

OF COURSE, 5 minutes into our car ride there, Luke stopped crying and started dozing to sleep. We started doubting bringing him in (though of course my mommy instincts were screaming to bring him in), but then he's act like he was still in pain and start crying and screaming again every few minutes, then calm down, then scream.

By the time we got to the ER and signed in (the nurse called ahead so they were expecting us), Luke was done crying. He looked around and chatted. He tried to squirm off my lap so he could crawl around. They luckily took us back into a room and got his vitals pretty quickly. He was really really amused by this cord thing they put around his toe  (maybe a heart or blood pressure thing? not really sure), there was a spinny thing on the wall so after trying to keep him corralled on a not-baby-proofed-bed where he could have easily slipped through the rails, I let him stand on the chair and spin the toy while I sat behind him. He laughed and chatted and basically just had a good time playing.

The doctor came in and checked him over (barely). Made him scream and cry when she made me hold him down to look in his ears. (I'm not sure why she made it necessary to hold him down to look in his ears. Our pedi has never had any trouble looking in his ears with him sitting up.) His ears are fine, of course. She barely glanced at his stomach/abdomen. And then sent us home. She was nice enough. Thinks it was heartburn. We were pretty sure we were wasting our $250 copay by the time we got there and he started acting normal again, but I didn't feel like he even got a very thorough lookover. It's not like we do this all the time for fun- I've never even called the exchange line. I tried asking her that if he had eaten something, what symptoms should I look for? And she never really answered that at all.

Luke chatted to himself and then fell asleep on the way home. (By now it was 2 am.) I hadn't even been to bed yet (have a quiz today so I was up studying when he woke up.) Luke of course woke up when we took him from the car and wanted to play. Joe was nice (and knew he was calling in today) and took Luke and let me go to bed. Luke wasn't thrilled with that but settled down for Joe quickly.  Then we all slept till 8 am today minus a couple of feedings. He is acting fine today though I am pretty sure he was constipated or ate something he was having trouble digesting, judging from his diapers today.

So that will be a fun $250 copay.  I am glad it isn't/wasn't serious so we'll chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Not all that different from about a year ago, when I was 31 weeks pregnant and Luke *failed* his nonstress test. Not only was he not active enough, the test strip was downright ugly with a lot of sharp decelerations. It was bad enough that the nurse faxed it to my doctor immediately and sent us for a biophysical profile, which he also did not pass since he didn't feel like practicing breathing and he wasn't especially active either. So they sent us to the hospital, and as soon as I was on their monitors, he was perfect, they watched him for over an hour and he had no decelerations and was very active. Then they did another biophysical profile and he practiced breathing not once but twice in just a few minutes. So they deemed him fine and sent us home. (And obviously it was fine.) Apparently, our baby boy likes to keep things a little exciting with false alarms. I'd rather they be false alarms than real issues, although it would be a lot better if these adventures didn't cost several hundred dollars in medical bills, not to mention taking a few years off my life from the stress!

Oy, so many updates.

I am getting really bad about writing. I think maybe bulletpoints will help me actually write and post something instead of just saving and then never coming back to finish it ?

About Luke-

• Almost 11 months old! I can't believe it. Joe tried to tell me he was a toddler the other day, Google proved him wrong, thank goodness.
• Will be walking soon. We are dreading it.
• Hates being strapped down in carseat (but once he is, he's fine.) Also hates laying still (and will not!) for diaper changes. I have gotten very good at putting a clean diaper on a crawling-away-baby-butt.
• Loves FOOD. All food. I am guilty as using food as a bribe to get him to sit in his carseat rather than trying to wrestle him for 5 minutes. (Because the second you sit him in his carseat, he straightens his legs and twists all over and screams and even when you pull him back down and try to hold him, it's really hard to hold him down and get the straps on correctly. It's much easier to show him a couple goldfish crackers, and he sits there calmly while getting strapped in.)
• is BFF's with our husky, Koda. Koda likes him and covers him in kisses regularly, but also prefers not to be stepped on, have his ears and eyes pulled and poked, etc. We still closely supervise them together and always will, though Koda puts up with more than I expected.
• Laughs and smiles and babbles all the time. Saying "mamama" and "dadada". Just started clapping this week (I've been trying to get him to clap for months!) Also will give high 5's but usually not in front of other people. 
• LOVES looking at pictures of himself and laughs if he sees a picture of me while I'm holding him-he looks back and forth at me and the picture. (I wonder what goes through his little head? Two mommies?)
• I started working on a slideshow of pictures/videos for his one year. It made me cry. I can't believe how fast he got so big and busy.
• We finally got his freaking 3 month pictures. They SUCK. But I'm glad that it's done with. I have a handful of his 9 month pictures, but our photographer has been really busy helping her friend/neighbor's family who lost their house to a fire, so she hasn't had time to finish them yet (and I am happy to be understanding and wait!) 

Other misc.-
*School is going okay. A's so far. I have one easy teacher, and one teacher who sucks but makes up for it with extra credit and counting wrong answers correct. I am learning very very little, but I have A's.
*Volunteering is also going okay. I will finally be done with my 120 hours in mid-April. Looking forward to having 2 nights a week back at home. It's hard to get stuff done when I'm busy chasing Luke all day and then gone 4 nights a week.
*Planning for the Promise Walk is going smoothly. We have nearly already met our goals. If you are still thinking about walking, register soon!  Our deadline to turn in shirt orders is coming up soon at the end of March, after that, we can't guarantee a shirt with registration. Also, we are doing a gift card drawing for everyone who is registered by March 20th.
*Missing Olivia, always, but now that Luke is all over the place always, her absence somehow seems even bigger, she should be running around and chasing him and playing with him.
*Have avoided thinking about Luke's first birthday party, because I don't really want to think about him turning one! I really need to start working on invitations though. We are having a BBQ at a park (hopefully the weather will be nice) and so it should be pretty easy to plan, hopefully.
 *Am not impressed with 80 degree March.  We had to turn on our AC, and I do not like having the AC on already in March, but it was so uncomfortably hot especially for our poor husky, I fought it with fans and open windows and stuff, but ugh. And we've had hail 3 times in the last couple days. It needs to cool off a little bit and STOP HAILING- we have two pretty new cars and I am not amused.
*Joe got sideswiped on the hwy by a new 16 year old driver a few weeks ago. His car was not even a year old yet. They did $4000+ worth of damage and now we can't trade the car in for as much (and we had been thinking of trading it in.) Joe is now dealing with the insurance company and not amused with their crappy diminished value offer so far, especially since he took the car to the dealer and got a trade in estimate before and after the accident.
*Working on weaning Lucas. It's not going great. I am ready to be DONE. He is not so much but is getting better and better about taking bottles again (I think partly because my supply is dropping), we definitely have PLENTY of milk in the freezer and deep freezer to get him well past the year mark, so I am proud that we are getting through a year with no formula. I was happy to make it to the 3 month mark, then 6 months, and 9, and now here we are at almost 11 months and still going.

Okay, our delightful little handful is awake and trying to help me type, so I am going to hit save before he erases all my work.

Why we will walk...

We really owe the Pre-Eclampsia Foundation, especially the forum and regular (and formerly regular but now MIA) forum members a lot.

In part, I am still alive, thanks to them. And Lucas is here, thanks to them. Olivia is not here, but they gave me a place I could talk about her and learn from people who had been through similar experiences. I think they also have probably saved my sanity (or at least what was salvageable.)

My case of pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome (or just HELLP syndrome, if you've been through my medical records and are as technical and rule-following as I am) was not normal at all.

My blood pressure never got very high. My kidneys never spilled protein (at least not that we know of, they never ordered a 24 hour urine test since I always easily passed the dipstick tests with no trace of protein, even in the hospital). The technical diagnostic definition of pre-eclampsia is two blood pressure readings of 140/90 or higher at least 6 hours apart and 300 mg of protein in a 24 hour urine test. Those were not my symptoms (although my doctors still say I had pre-eclampsia which kinda makes me crazy because I'm too literal.) Though most people consider HELLP as a form of severe pre-eclampsia so I guess that is where they are coming from. (In most cases people show signs of pre-eclampsia that turns into HELLP.)

What I did have was SEVERE pain. And swelling. The pain started as a pinch in my lower shoulder blade and back. At first, I chalked it up to normal pregnancy stuff. And it quickly (by that first night) got so bad that I considered going to the ER, except for Joe was out of town on a sailing trip with some friends and I didn't think I could drive myself there. (Duh, in hindsight, I could've called my parents. SHOULD HAVE called my parents.) I am a person who goes to the regular doctor, maybe once every five years or so, and the ER even less than that, so for me to consider going to the ER for pain that is so bad- that should have really gotten my radar up. But I thought it was normal pregnancy stuff and was going to tough.it.out. It was a miserable night of shifting and NOTHING being comfortable, I got the heating pad out and lived with it under my shoulder, and that made it almost tolerable. I remember going to one of my younger brother's baseball games and shifting uncomfortably in my chair and trying to rub the "knot" out and my aunt looking at me sympathetically because I was clearly in so much pain.

And then just as quickly as the pain came, it was gone. For days. And then it was back. And gone again. One of the times it was gone, happened to be a regular OB appointment, I told her about the pain, and she was mildly concerned but not too much since everything seemed mostly normal, but she mentioned that "since you are now over 20 weeks, if you have to go to the hospital, go to L&D". The next week I was back again, the pain was so bad that morning as I was getting ready to teach in Hell City, it made me throw up, I could barely stand. How in the world I still managed to get ready, drive myself 25 miles, and sort of teach (silent reading day, kids!), I have no idea. I mostly sat at my desk but moving around got easier and easier as the morning went by. I already had planned for a half day since I was supposed to have a growth ultrasound, and on my plan time, I called my OB's office to see what they thought about my pain and maybe getting an antibiotic for my "kidney infection"--I thought maybe I had a kidney or bladder infection for an embarrassing reason I will not write about here but if you've been pregnant, you probably know what I'm talking about. They said, "uh, you need to come in", and managed to work some magic to get me in to see my OB in an hour or two.

My blood pressure was normal. My urine was clear. I was no longer in pain by the time she saw me, and I had a hard time pinpointing exactly where the pain was even coming from...under my ribs? my ribs? my shoulder blade? my back? all of the above? IT.JUST.HURT. She figured it was probably the position that the baby was in, and recommended I try prenatal yoga. (I will never ever ever do yoga because of this.) Then we saw on the growth ultrasound that Olivia was way way smaller than she should have been (like had barely grown in 4 weeks), and she mentioned the words "pre-eclampsia" and "delivery soon". (As in, I might be heading towards it, and if the baby did not start to grow better, we would have to deliver soon...)

The pain was on and off for most of the week, usually gone during the day, and there at night, which made me think it probably WAS just the baby and how she was positioned or whatever. I posted about the "stabbing pain in my ribcage" on a fertility website message board and lots of people chimed in that it was normal. And my doctor said it was normal. So I powered through, even though it seemed like every time the pain came back, it was worse than the time before.

And then Sunday night rolled around. I started off uncomfortable, working on lesson plans for the week while Joe went to bed, and the pain got worse and worse and worse. And the heating pad didn't help. Tylenol didn't help. Heartburn meds didn't help (sometimes in the past with "the pain", heartburn meds had helped, for some reason, maybe entirely coincidental.) As I got increasingly miserable, I started googling. Pre-eclampsia, especially, since that was the main thing I had to go on since it was the word my OB had mentioned, but that was really confusing since I didn't have high blood pressure. I ended up on the Pre-Eclampsia Foundation webpage. And I ended up joining and posting. And by this time, the pain was getting so bad that I was starting to have trouble breathing because it just hurt. And some people nicely posted, "get to the hospital, [you dummy]". I called my OB at 3 in the morning on her exchange line and she pretty much said the same thing. So I made up a quick lesson plan for the sub (yeah, idiotic), emailed it to our secretary, emailed the secretary and principal that I would not be in, woke up Joe, and we headed in to the hospital.

I brought a book to read while we waited and my purse, because I seriously thought they were going to figure out what was wrong, fix it, and send me home. I was tragically, beautifully naive. (I still haven't finished reading that damn book.)

By the end of Monday, I had been diagnosed with HELLP, transferred hospitals in an ambulance, had an emergency c-section, Olivia had been born and died, and I was put on awful magnesium sulfate to prevent me from seizing immediately after her delivery.

(Even though I was in a lot of pain, my initial bloodwork was nearly normal with my liver enzymes just slightly elevated. They kept me anyway, and my OB reordered the labs for six hours later. In that time, my liver enzymes more than doubled while my blood platelet numbers dropped by 100,000...normal is around 250,000. It got very bad, quickly, but it started out almost normal, and I'm also lucky that my OB and the hospital didn't just send me home when things looks mostly normal at first. If they had sent me home, I know I would have NEVER went back for the same thing again on my own.)

In one of the many conversations I had with my OB weeks later, she mentioned that if I had not gone into the hospital when I did, I probably would have came in by the next day seizing or worse.

So anyway, The Pre-Eclampsia Foundation was the place that told me that this was Not Normal. This was not something that prenatal yoga would fix or that the baby kicking my rib cage was likely causing. And "hey, dummy, get yourself to the hospital!" (This seems totally obvious NOW, but at that time, I thought they would think I was an idiot or a big wimp, and send me home.) I am lucky that one of those earlier episodes of severe pain did not result in me going into organ failure or worse, especially considering I had the pain off and on for about three weeks. I have no idea how much longer I would have tried to tough it out, had I not come across the PE website and forums, possibly a lot longer.

There are many women and babies who are not as "lucky". A few months later, my aunt in another state, lost her coworker due to HELLP syndrome. The coworker was an ultrasound tech, married to a doctor, she thought the pain was normal, "toughed it out", and it killed her. Pre-eclampsia and HELLP kill women across the country each year, and an appallingly high number of women die in developing countries from these diseases.  "Globally, preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading cause of maternal and infant illness and death. By conservative estimates, these disorders are responsible for 76,000 maternal and 500,000 infant deaths each year." --The Pre-Eclampsia Foundation http://preeclampsia.org/health-information/about-preeclampsia

Obviously Lucas could not be here if I had not survived, but he also is here in part thanks to the brave couples who came before me. When you are in the less than 1% , with no family history, and then you are told that for another pregnancy, your risk of getting pre-eclampsia again is as high as 60%+, and a 12% chance of HELLP again, it's pretty damn terrifying. But then I read the stories of women who had first pregnancies like mine on the PE forums, and had healthy take-home babies. And it gave me hope that I could do it too. And while we were in the trenches of ttc and then a stressful high risk pregnancy, they lamented over my charts and frustrating cycles, then as I stressed over miscarrying, and gave me tips on how to make lovenox shots less painful, and questions to ask my doctors, and what testing to expect or ask for. And we made it. I have no idea if it was pure luck, a guardian angel, the hundreds of lovenox shots, the daily aspirin, or all of the above, but whatever it was, Lucas is here. And we are so lucky to have him.

This is the first year we will have a walk for the Pre-Eclampsia Foundation in St.Louis. I am helping with the planning. And I am so excited to have one here. The money the foundation raises goes for research to develop tests like this and to keep the forums going for anyone who may be googling like I was, and to raise awareness which may save lives. Even though people may have heard of preeclampsia, they don't always know what to watch out for (and sometimes they do but are told its normal), they don't always realize how serious it can be, and some tend to believe in myths like eating lots of protein aka the Brewer diet, or eating less salt, can prevent it. There is no known cure except for delivery (and even after delivery, it tends to get worse before it starts getting better), and there is no known prevention (but lots of guesses and hopes.)

We walk in honor of Olivia and the 500,000 babies worldwide each year who die from preeclampsia and HELLP. We walk in honor of the 75,000 women worldwide each year who don't get to go home with their babies or significant others. We walk in honor of all of the babies born too soon who spend days, weeks, months, away from their parents in NICU's. And for those who don't survive the NICU. This year, Joe, Luke, and I will walk.

If you would like to join us or help support the PreE foundation,  (Walk is $20 for adults, $10 for children, includes shirt. Saturday, May 12th, at Millennium Park in Creve Coeur, MO), you can register to join our team or donate here:  http://www.promisewalk.org/pfpw/teampage.asp?fundid=1741&nnaffundid=49  (team name is Brooks, the link to the registration page is in the center of the page below the picture and main page description ).

This and that

Everything has been pretty chaotic lately which does not leave much time for sleeping, let alone blogging, but I will try to get a post done before Luke notices me on the laptop and makes his way over to "help" me type. So bullet point update it is.

- This deserves a separate post, which I might do later. One of my friends and fellow babyloss mom's lost her husband (who I was also friends with though I didn't know him as well as her) about a week and a half ago. No one should have to bury their daughter and then their husband within 6 months. A lot of us are still reeling from this while also trying to help as much as we can. It just sucks. They have been on my mind all the time and she is probably sick of me texting her 3 times a day. I know that like babyloss, this can't be fixed or made better, but oh, how I wish I could.

- Olivia's due date was the 23rd. It's still a very bittersweet, mostly bitter and not very sweet, day for me. Oh, what could have been. I can't say how many times we end up in a group of several or many boys, babies and older kids, with no girls or one girl. Ironically, a lot of my local babyloss friends have lost girls, so the absence of girls makes her and their absence even more glaring.

-Luke is all over and into everything, all the time! He still loves dog food though we are getting better at keeping him away from it. He had pizza for the first time the other day and LOVED it. He is cruising everywhere and it probably won't be long before he's walking, though I really hope he takes his time with it. We are not encouraging walking AT ALL. He has two bottom teeth and one upper tooth that just finally became visible and another upper tooth coming soon. He is not good at sleeping, either naps or bedtime lately. He is talking more and more and seems to be getting more comfortable around strangers. We had his 9 month pictures last week and his 9 month well baby visit, all is well. He was much harder to get pictures of this time around then he was at 6 months, he'd stay somewhere for a few minutes so she could get a few pictures, then decide he'd had enough and start crawling away. I am excited to see the pictures though. I can't believe I need to start thinking about his first birthday soon. Oy.

-School is okay. So far, I have all A's, but it's only the 3rd week. I have two teachers who aren't very good at teaching. (I had to argue that cc is not an abbreviation for milliliter. Really? Poor Brooke had to hear all about this and approve my argument.--Yes, I know that they are the same volume, but the question was specifically the abbreviation for a milliliter, thus cc is not correct since it is the abbreviation for cubic centimeter.)  My third teacher is awesome (and makes the class easy.)

-Volunteering is okay. It's either really slow or really busy, and not much in between. I don't really mind it, but being gone 4 nights a week plus having to do stuff for an online class is hectic, so I will be glad when volunteering is done. (2 months done, 2.5 months to go.)

I think this is all for now.

Christmas in pictures/video

 

(These are not all his presents, they are all the presents in general- we actually only gave him a couple.)

Here he is "helping" me wrap presents, the night before Christmas Eve.

"walking" with my dad on Christmas Eve

 

2 of many Olivia ornaments, Lucas's only ornament so far. (For a moment I felt guilty that we have 5 or so Olivia ornaments and only one for Lucas, but then I realized it's our third Christmas without Olivia and only our first with Lucas, he'll catch up.)

(I never did find stockings I liked for Lucas and Olivia, then found the last 2 super cheap the day before xmas eve . I've since had a much much nicer Lucas stocking made by pottery barn kids after xmas with his name on it, they were out of the angel stocking that I plan to have made with Olivia's name next year. I made Joe's stocking our first year of marriage, pretty pathetic, I found the Santa and reindeer as a suction cup window decoration, took the suction cup off it, glued it with fabric glue to the plain red stocking, then put his name on it with glitter glue/paint. It has held up amazingly well, I'd say.)

Christmas with and without.

Well, we all survived Luke's first Christmas, and our third Christmas without Olivia.

Christmas has been hard every year (well, maybe not as much the first year- when we were still mostly numb and avoided it all), but this year was especially challenging, as we tried to balance celebrating our first Christmas with Lucas with missing our daughter.

It's the little things and not so little things that are a punch to the gut: Baby's First Christmas ornament that we only have for one baby, stockings, visiting the cemetary on Christmas morning instead of going to church, friend's toddlers all dressed up in front of their tree.

Most of our time at home with just the three of us, I kept thinking about how different it should be but isn't. This is our third Christmas, and it still really sucks that she isn't here.

I think now that we have Lucas here, we felt forced (by ourselves/mommy guilt)to do the Christmas stuff again that we haven't done or to the same extent the previous years. This was the first year I put our tree up since Olivia died (and I waited until the last minute, the 23rd, before I finally did it, and seriously contemplated not putting a tree up at all since it's not like Luke will know or remember the difference- this year at least.) But he LOVES the tree- more than presents and wrapping paper and boxes. So I'm glad I sucked it up and put it up. Anyway, we put the tree up and stockings, shopped (mostly online, thank god for the internet) and wrapped presents, etc. I made and sent out Christmas cards. All of that normal stuff.

And I mostly felt normal. The night before Christmas Eve, after we put the tree up and Lucas to bed, he woke back up while I was in the middle of wrapping presents. I let him crawl around and "help" (which he did by climbing on presents, pulling ornaments off the tree, etc.) while I tried to finish and avoid a trip to the ER with an injured baby. (Sucessful, though it took till 2 am to finally get done.) Even though Lucas wasn't especially helpful, he was really cute, and I thought about how much better this year is with him here vs. last year when he was just in my belly. He really has filled our lives with so much light and laughter and happiness...better than anything I could ask for for Christmas.

We went and saw extended family- Christmas Eve with my mom's side (then at my parent's house later since my siblings both worked Christmas day), Christmas Day we did our own Christmas, then to the cemetery, then to my dad's family. (Joe's family is all in PA.) Luke did pretty well with the choas and so many people and our schedule and everything totally off. He got plenty of presents, although he was pretty ambivalent about unwrapping them. All in all, it was good. Bittersweet as always, but a lot of sweet to go with our bitter this year. Hopefully next Christmas will be even better.

Baby wake up calls

Yesterday morning I woke up to Lucas sitting up in his pack n play next to me, putting his hand on my cheek and grinning. God, I love that baby. (And really appreciate that he didn't try to claw my face off, or pull my hair, or stick his hand in my mouth.) He is awesome (even face clawing, hair pulling, and trying to gag me with his hand). First time he's mostly slept through the night in a long time, fingers crossed for more of that. (Did not happen last night, but I can hardly complain about sleeping from 2-5 am with a warm cuddly perfect baby on my chest in the recliner.)

I started volunteering Friday and really liked it. I am really excited about the prospect of maybe someday having a job where I would get to wear scrubs every day. I am in the radiology dept but mainly helping the person who does the CT machines. I help get and move patients, set up the room, run file to the doctors, etc. They are apparently going to let me load the CT machine with contrast dye, too. I am not doing much in ultrasound yet, but the hospital I am volunteering at is really small and so I probably won't see many or any OB patients since they have an u/s machine on the OB floor. The time I'm there goes by pretty fast.

Luke and Joe had a rough night on Friday but he was good last night. Wednesday my mom is watching him for the first time, I'm nervous about it, mainly because he's so attached to me and I don't want him to cry the whole time. Hopefully it will go okay. I am not used to being so busy! It is going to be a crazy 6ish-9 months (school 2x a week and online, volunteering 2x a week) and then be nothing again.

I am horrible at Christmas this year. Our tree is still not up. I don't have stockings for Lucas and Olivia. (And Joe's stocking I made with glitter glue in college- it's pretty lame.) I have bought a few things online for Luke and Joe but that is it. It's just been busy. I think I will take Luke out shopping in a bit, mainly I'm struggling to keep up with everything. I'm pumping a lot in case I get pregnant and have to wean (can't breastfeed on blood thinners), which takes a lot of time and constantly doing dishes and washing pump parts, plus Lucas is really mobile and loves cords and escaping his 'baby jail' (a fort of gates in the middle of our living room- our lame/sucky/lazy babyproofing attempt) so that makes getting things done tough. I did get our Christmas cards *mostly* sent out though, so yay for small progress. (Video of Luke on the previous post, it wouldn't let me type on it.)

Water bottle fun (7.5 months)

Teeth, not ears

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but a couple weeks ago Luke got his first tooth, bottom middle. It was a nonevent. Literally, one day he chomped down on my hand and there was something sharp poking me- his tooth.

Yesterday Luke acted normal most of the day and didn't have a fever, so I figured his ears were probably okay. We took him in anyway, and he's totally healthy (let's hope he stays that way), but his second tooth is ready to pop through any day now.

It ended up being a good thing we went in because yesterday evening he was So Crabby, I've never seen him that bad. I might have panicked and rushed him into the ER or Urgent Care had I not already known that he was fine. Also, it turns out he pulls on his left ear when he's pissed off.

 So basically, all is well there.

After the doctor, we went to the Angel of Hope statue and took turns leaving a flower while the other stayed in the car with Lucas who was sleeping. So it sorta worked out, at least our version of it. It was better than skipping it all together, and the bitter cold made me kinda glad we were skipping it this year- last year I think I wore like 3 layers plus a coat and we were toward the front so we got done early.

Wherever you are

This has quickly become one of my favorite books to read to Lucas, although unfortunately we have a nice hardback/paper copy and he always tries to grab/eat/chew/tear it, so I have to read fast and keep it out of his reach. The illustrations are fantastic and we just got "It's Time to Sleep, My Love" from the same author with equally breathtaking illustrations. (p.s. They sell Nancy Tillman's books at Kohls for $5, as well as the stuffed animal characters illustrated in her books for $5, and all the proceeds go to charity from the book/stuffed animal sales. )
I always feel like I'm reading it to both of our babies, which is pretty obvious why when you read it:

"Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You" by Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more
than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go. 

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...
climb  up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

 Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
 if you're working...
 or playing...
or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint 'till you're blue...

There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...
just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of
the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree...in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, 
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

Thanksgiving 2011

Oh, how far we have come. I remember Thanksgiving a couple of years ago was just brutal. Olivia died at the end of September, I was released from the hospital in October, then Joe's family was here and we buried her, and suddenly it was November. When Thanksgiving hit, I was just coming out of that self protective numbness blurry fog that is the first six-ish weeks. Why we tortured ourselves trying to go places that first Thanksgiving, I don't know, but it was a big mistake. We wisely stayed home and pretended Christmas didn't exist that year. Last year, we were just freaking terrified about what might happen in the months ahead.

But here we are in 2011 and we have a healthy, happy, wonderful little boy to show for the terrifying pregnancy that was last holiday season, and he has brought us a long way in healing. While we won't ever be exactly the same people we were pre-September 2009, I never thought that I could or would ever be this happy again. Yes, there's a lingering sadness or a scar, behind the happiness, but the happiness is there. But there's also a sense of pride in how far we've come, and a resiliency I didn't know I had.

Anyway, our Thanksgiving was good. Lucas was happy and good and we had a nice day with family.

Could this Thanksgiving have been better? Of course. It will always be "could have been better", but for what it was, it was better than I imagined it ever could be again. It still sucks, but oh, it can and does get better.

Thanks and giving

Luke has decided that sleeping through the night like he has done for the last 3 months or so is lame. Boo to sleep, I like waking up every 2-3 hours to chat with my mommy! I'm not complaining, the first few weeks of him sleeping through the night, I missed him. But by now, I've gotten spoiled sleeping through the night for weeks and weeks, so this up-every-3ish hours stuff is making me a tad sleep deprived. The real problem is rolling over. Luke rolls over and then wakes himself up and then I guess thinks, "Hey, I'm awake, let's chat and play for awhile!" He's never crabby though he will cry if I don't get him. I know some or a lot of people are fans of cry it out, but I'm adamantly against it and not willing to consider it no matter how tired I get. (Though I'm not opposed to taking a nap on the floor while he plays next to me!)

But anyway, I didn't have kids so I could get a full night's sleep. Secondly, oh, what I would have given to have Olivia wake me up 3 times a night...I really can't complain about Lucas doing it. Lucas slept through the night for a pretty long time before this and is such a good, happy, easy baby overall that it's pretty lame to complain about this, especially since at least when he wakes up at 2 or 3 am, he falls right back to sleep the second I pick him up. He's pretty good about only wanting to get up and play at reasonable wake up times (like 9/10/11/12 ish- when I'm still up usually anyway.) Today we took an awesome nap together from 2 to 5 pm and it was MUCH needed and I feel a lot  better overall. Anyway, sleep or no sleep, we are so lucky to have him and he's such a great baby.

On that note, he is getting so mobile. I just watched him pull himself ACROSS our living room (10+ feet) and then when he got to his desired location (Koda our husky who is none too pleased with this development- he watched Luke warily as he got closer and then when Luke was a few inches away, jumped up and moved several feet farther), he pushed himself up to sitting and started playing with a box of diapers instead. (I'm pretty much over cloth diapering.) That's the first time I've seen him manage to push himself up to sitting all the way from laying. So for now he's army crawling and pushing himself along but he gets up on his hands and knees and is not too far from real crawling. Again, it's so much fun to see him figuring out new things and his personality emerging, but wah, he's getting so so big! I think he's going to have a blast for Christmas with all the wrapping paper this year. We are so incredibly thankful that he's here and happy and healthy.

Today I picked up an angel tree child. For those not familiar, a bunch of places and the Salvation Army gets names of needy families/children, and those more fortunate select a child and buy Christmas gifts (needs and wants) for them. Last year, we were so focused on trying to survive the holidays and also so scared what was going to happen with my pregnancy that we just couldn't do anything but get through them. This year, we are in a much better place and decided we wanted to do it. So we are buying gifts for a 2 year old girl...although it's going to be a little tough because their list was so vague...needs: "stuffed animals" (really?) wants: "toys, blanket"...so hopefully we do okay. (Other people had specific stuff, clothes sizes, etc. which would have been a little easier maybe but this was the only 2 year old girl option and the listed wanted/needed stuff is kinda sad, I think. (I mean others were asking for things like a Nintendo DS, etc.) But a blanket and stuffed animals and toys, I think we can handle. I'm not sure how ready I am to look at two year old girl stuff, but I will suck it up and do it (maybe online, luckily if I order stuff through JCP- which is where I signed up for my name anyway- they will ship anything I buy for gifts to her/the salvation army for free.)

Anyway, I'm done babbling for awhile, I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving. And for my babyloss mom friends who may not be feeling especially thankful this year (oh, have we been there), I will be thinking of you through this upcoming holiday season, I know it's not easy.

Oh blog.

I'm still in this weird phase where I start writing a post, then quit.

All is pretty well here. We survived Pennsylvania. Luke tolerated the 22 hours of driving like the perfect baby he is- didn't cry once. That's about all I have to say about that here in blogland.

And as for Lucas, oh my. He makes me so happy and oh so sad all at once. I can't believe how fast babyhood is dwindling and toddlerhood emerging. He's mobile, not quite crawling but rolling and pulling himself enough to get wherever he wants. He loves plastic bags and paper and gets ANGRY if they are taken from him. He babbles all the time and Joe swears he intentionally says "ma" or "mom"  when he gets whiny but I'm pretty sure it's just coincidental, though it really does sound like mom. His days of sleeping in our room are numbered, not that he'll even notice the difference anyway, but oh, that part especially makes me so sad. I may end up sleeping on the floor in his room for the next 18 years or so. Okay, maybe not. But I can't say exactly in words how much I love opening my eyes and seeing him sleeping there a foot away from me. I remember telling my friend Jackie at 10 weeks or so how it was such a perfect age. But honestly, every age is the perfect age. (Although he has started doing this weird gaspy laugh that almost gave me a heart attack driving 5 minutes to my mom's house yesterday because hearing your 6 month old gasping over and over from his carseat when you can't see his face and you are already paranoid makes for a nervewrecking drive. I could tell that he was okay because he had some babbles and normal giggles in there between the raspy gasps but I hope he stops doing that soon because he's going to give me an ulcer with that.) Sleeping through the night is inconsistent but I can't say I mind much. The nights he wakes up, we end up cuddling in the recliner together until we both fall asleep which generally takes 10 minutes or less, no big deal.Works for us.


The approaching holidays this year are weird. The past two years, the holidays were so hard and miserable that we mostly just wanted to ignore them. But now we have Lucas. And I think the holidays will still be hard to some extent, but now we have to suck it up and make the best of them for him. I am sure he will have a blast with the wrapping paper and new toys. But it's complicated.

Halloween 2011

Luke's first Halloween was pretty uneventful. I wasn't going to be one of those people who takes their baby trick or treating for candy they obviously can't eat. Instead, we dressed him up and took him over to my parents and raided their candy instead. (I had candy instead of dinner, yum.) I haven't been a fan of halloween for a few years, still not really. I figure this is our last year we can get away with not doing pumpkins (we do have a picture of Luke with a pumpkin), next year we will probably go all out.

Pre-halloween:

 (He doesn't really need the boppy behind him anymore but I was afraid he'd get distracted and fall backwards when I took the picture.)










 I can put my binkie in my mouth by myself, Mr.Independent.

He still doesn't sleep in that lovely crib yet. I put him in there while I ran to the bathroom because he's started rolling to stuff and we aren't babyproofed at all yet, a few days ago I left him playing happily on the middle of the floor and came back to find he'd rolled himself under the coffee table and was enjoying chewing on the bottom of my flip flop...gross...I wore those flip flops in the hospital even. Luckily he seems to have survived. But until we are babyproofed (which will happen as soon as we get back from our trip to PA) I use the crib as a baby cage, he thinks its fun in there.

 So my camera flashes a small orange light before the real flash/picture. Which makes it almost impossible to get a pic of him smiling these days because even if I make him smile, once he sees that light his expression changes to puzzled or sucking his lower lip like t
he first pic.

    
And at 4 months, Luke would screech all the time just for the hell of it, I never could catch it on video because he'd stop when he saw the camera. Well the past few days the screech has been back, and today he did it on camera...(he also "talks" normally but prefers screeching today.)

I can't believe my baby boy is 6 months old already, sheesh, time flies.

So much stuff.

I keep writing stuff, getting distracted or too rambly, and quitting. Maybe we'll just try bulletpoints.

-Lucas is officially 6 months old tomorrow. His personality is coming out more and more every day. He wants to grab and eat everything. He cries if I leave the room. He thinks our dogs are hysterical, they look at him and he laughs. (They still try to keep their distance from his grabby hands which usually just amuses him more when he gets thisclose to touching them and then move.) He really wants to crawl and it makes him mad that he can't yet, it will happen soon I think. He is perfect and we are so lucky. Although I get sad as we get closer to little boyhood and farther from babyhood, I love every second of him.

-I am registered for the classes I need. Plan A worked out after a bit of drama. (Thanks to Joe being helpful and supportive and Brooke for being encouraging when I nearly said forget this.)

-Joe bought me a new vehicle. (2012 Dodge Journey with third row, my 2003 Galant was on its last leg and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable driving Lucas in it.) Ironically, the new car is so much safer that even though it is brand new and much more expensive to replace than my car was worth, our insurance actually went down. I was not expecting that at all. I hate that it isn't a minivan and that there is no way to fit a car seat in the middle of the 2nd row (the safest spot to put a car seat) and also be able to access the 3rd row short of climbing over the 2nd row or climbing over through the trunk. And I'm also not a fan of push start button technology vs. a traditional key and ignition because the first time I am stranded somewhere because my electronic key has broken and now the car won't start, I'm going to be LIVID. (We couldn't find an SUV in our price range with a 3rd row that had a normal ignition, turns out they don't really make them with normal ignitions anymore. Because that was pretty close to a deal breaker for me.) I do love the convenience of it, until it backfires and I get stranded somewhere and then we get to pay the dealership a small fortune to fix or replace the stupid electronic key. (That is probably their plan all along.) Anyway, overall I really like it. Especially for the increased safety.

-I'm thinking it's time for a blog makeover soon. I'm going to wait till all our 6 month pictures are back.

-I have volunteer orientation next Friday. Joe is awesome and decided to push our trip to PA to see his family back a week so I could get it done with. I have to get a flu shot, which I am pretty much against flu shots, but my OB and high risk ob will be thrilled. My ob tried to give me a flu shot last week.

-We are going to start trying again soon. My OB gave me the okay, but reiterated that my risks are the same...high. 75% chance of pre-e, 12% chance of HELLP. More lovenox injections in my stomach, lots of ultrasounds and time with the high risk dr, again a high risk of being put on bedrest and even hospital bedrest...it is daunting. We want our kids close in age though, and the limited stuff we know about pre-eclampsia is that the more closely spaced the pregnancies, the better it tends to go. Since my fertility is always an issue, we need to start thinking about it sooner than later. It still mostly stresses me out to think about it.

Alright, that is all for now.

6 month pictures sneak peek

So he turned 24 weeks old a week after these were taken (last weekend), but he's technically not 6 months till Oct.27th so we are pretty impressed with his sitting. (He did wobble but Joe was behind him with hand out to catch him every few minutes.)

Have I told the story of the lamb? Things went crazy so quickly the day Olivia was born...I called my parents from the hospital that morning just to let them know I was there but "everything is fine" because we still insanely naively thought it was. Then it wasn't fine and I was in an ambulance to level III NICU hospital and my parents were on the way. When it became clear we were delivering, when they prepped me for c-section my mom ran down to the gift shop and bought a little lamb. She gave it to us right before we went in to the OR. Joe put it in his pocket, and when they gave her to us, got the lamb out and held it next to her. We bought 2 more lambs, 1 is buried with her, 1 we gave to my mom, and the original lamb from the delivery room is in our memory box. So when I was pregnant over a year later, a month or so before Lucas was due, it occurred to me to try the gift shop to get a lamb for him. The gift shop inventory changes a lot- we walk by it every month to get to the support group and they ALWAYS have different stuff in the windows, so I wasn't very optimistic about finding another lamb, but sure enough, almost 2 years later, they were still there. So Lucas has one and we include it in some of our pictures as a symbol for Olivia.

Anyway, here are the pictures that we have back as our sneak peek, we are very excited to see the rest!

To anyone in our area, we can't recommend our photographer highly enough. She is the sister of another baby loss mama and also volunteers with NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep- an organization that sends professional photographers out to take pictures for families for free in the hospital with their child.) So I liked her a lot just knowing that (which she does not mention but her sister told me).

Anyway, we are in love with all of the pictures we have so far and I think we did a good job of remembering Olivia with the main focus being on Lucas since it was *his* photo shoot after all.

SHARE walk for remembrance, 2011, Part 1

Lucas and my mom and balloons

Joe and Lucas

Lucas and me, wearing our Olivia butterflies and the butterfly we made for Brooke's Eliza
since Brooke wasn't able to make it, Lucas was determined to get that glittery foam goodness into
his mouth so we had to ditch his butterfly

Little brothers ARE awesome indeed.

Jackie and me, moms to an angel and a rainbow

This does not even come close to capturing the crowd, people in green are bereaved parents.

Again, only part of the crowd.

There are a few more pictures I have to share that other people took, so I'll make that as a Part 2 post when I get them.

The weather was PERFECT. The crowd was huge. It was a nice day to remember all of our babies who left too soon. Seeing so many people I knew there made me realize just how many people I have met in this journey. I am grateful for all of them.