It's hard, trying to be reasonable and rational, and manage that paranoia when you've watched your first baby die. I don't think those who haven't been through that really quite get it. And I think it's even different, when that is your first experience with "parenting". I remember all too well sitting in the funeral home with Joe picking out a casket for our baby girl. Even almost two years later, I can flashback to those awful dark moments like it was yesterday. And now Lucas is here, 4 months old in a few hours, and he is perfect. He makes my heart feel fuller than I imagined would be possible, he makes us smile- truly smile and laugh- which I never thought I'd do again.
And it's a battle that I am constantly struggling with, because I am justifiably paranoid, but I don't want Lucas to grow up a crazy paranoid freak like me- or to deprieve him of experiences because of my fears. And that's a hard line to balance. I mean, right now, it isn't too bad, I can leave him with Joe (and maybe next month I'll even let my mom watch him for a few hours- but that's it, and I'm still not so sure if I can leave him with my mom because she says stuff like "all those silly sids rules these days, all 4 of you were fine.." which makes me totally uneasy). He still sleeps right next to me and he's not going anywhere anytime soon (studies show sleeping near mom helps regulate their breathing and reduces the risk of SIDS, so they actually recommend co-sleeping the first 6 months), I actually don't normally use either breathing monitor because 1 is a pain to clip to his diaper, and the other is set up in the pack n play but he sleeps in the rock n play most nights. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've managed not to screw him up so far, but I know that's going to be constantly a struggle, finding that balance.
On a lighter note, we are fantastic. Lucas is holding his head up pretty well, he has discovered this screeching voice that he loves to use which makes us laugh and makes him laugh too. He's not rolling over yet but he can slowly push himself across his blanket just by pushing his chubby legs against the ground.He uses his hands intentionally though he's still kinda clumsy with them. He's a perfect eater, breastfeeding is pretty easy now and we are still going strong. He sleeps through the night and is a pretty good napper during the day. He's perfect. I love being home with him and I'm so lucky we can manage it, though I've been thinking a lot about what I will do next, that's a blog for another day.