Wednesday, August 24, 2011

17 weeks

I can't believe how fast he's gone from this....

Sept. 10, 2010
November 2010
 to this:

(Although not one part of my pregnancy felt like it went very fast, except for maybe his whirlwind birth.)

And then this:

I'm wearing a newborn-sized outfit!
And these days he's looking like this:

Visiting Olivia's brick and the Angel of Hope statue last week.

Drool? Check. Binkie? Check. Sophie the Giraffe? Check. Blankie? Check. Life is good.

This thing is called the Rock N Play and it's been Lucas's wonderful 'bed' for the last 2 months, best $40 spent ever.

17 weeks of heaven. It's looking like Lucas is not going to stay blond after all. Thank god.( Just kidding.) Whether he keeps his blue eyes or not still remains to be seen, but I'm thinking they are staying blue.  It's hard to believe that at this time last year I was just starting the meds for the cycle that would result in him, and here he is, happy and healthy and perfect. He has this smile that lights up his entire face, like you are the best thing in the world. He thinks me singing the ABC's is the greatest thing ever. He has NO desire to roll over anytime soon but acts like he's going to start crawling anyday now. (And then we will be screwed because our house is not babyproofed yet AT ALL.) He is starting to get pretty good at sitting up (assisted) and we are working on sitting unassisted. He's started playing in his jumperoo a lot, it's still on the shortest setting with a book underneath so he can actually touch the ground, but I bet in another week, he won't need the book anymore at all. He is so happy, almost always, (except when I try to wear him! He still is not impressed with the baby carrier at all.) We are just in awe of him.

There's always questions in the back of my mind, as we watch him grow and change so quickly, what Olivia would have been like as a baby. Would she have been a perfect baby like her brother and Aunt Brooke, or would she cry nonstop for the first 9 months like her mommy? Would she have had my blue eyes or Joe's brown eyes? What color would her hair have been? (I used to think it would obviously be brown, until Lucas came along with his blond hair.) She didn't stay long enough for us to learn very much about her at all. I wish she could have stayed.

As sucky as it is that she isn't here to meet her little brother in person, she gave us a new perspective on what is important, and what isn't. When we lost Olivia, I wanted to die, too. I really struggled with the fact that her death saved my life (not that it really came down to her OR me, the alternative was that we'd both die, but still, in my head, she died and it was my fault and yet I was still alive.) I was mad that she was gone and I was still here. And that first year, I wasn't all that especially grateful to still be alive, not that I was suicidal, but I wished I had just died with her, most of the time. But now? I still hate that she isn't here. However, I'm finally glad I didn't die almost two years ago; these past 17 weeks have been the best weeks of my life. Rainbow baby, indeed.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

4 months + paranoia

It's harder to write now that I'm not quite in that angsty grieving period and not a stressed out pregnant psycho. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of paranoia here in our "2 breathing monitor plus a video monitor with the kid either sleeping on me or 5 inches away from me house", but I've chilled out, a lot.

It's hard, trying to be reasonable and rational, and manage that paranoia when you've watched your first baby die. I don't think those who haven't been through that really quite get it. And I think it's even different, when that is your first experience with "parenting". I remember all too well sitting in the funeral home with Joe picking out a casket for our baby girl. Even almost two years later, I can flashback to those awful dark moments like it was yesterday. And now Lucas is here, 4 months old in a few hours, and he is perfect. He makes my heart feel fuller than I imagined would be possible, he makes us smile- truly smile and laugh- which I never thought I'd do again. I can't imagine losing him I have lived that, so I can imagine it, but I don't want to.

And it's a battle that I am constantly struggling with, because I am justifiably paranoid, but I don't want Lucas to grow up a crazy paranoid freak like me- or to deprieve him of experiences because of my fears. And that's a hard line to balance. I mean, right now, it isn't too bad, I can leave him with Joe (and maybe next month I'll even let my mom watch him for a few hours- but that's it, and I'm still not so sure if I can leave him with my mom because she says stuff like "all those silly sids rules these days, all 4 of you were fine.." which makes me totally uneasy). He still sleeps right next to me and he's not going anywhere anytime soon (studies show sleeping near mom helps regulate their breathing and reduces the risk of SIDS, so they actually recommend co-sleeping the first 6 months), I actually don't normally use either breathing monitor because 1 is a pain to clip to his diaper, and the other is set up in the pack n play but he sleeps in the rock n play most nights. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've managed not to screw him up so far, but I know that's going to be constantly a struggle, finding that balance.

On a lighter note, we are fantastic. Lucas is holding his head up pretty well, he has discovered this screeching voice that he loves to use which makes us laugh and makes him laugh too. He's not rolling over yet but he can slowly push himself across his blanket just by pushing his chubby legs against the ground.He uses his hands intentionally though he's still kinda clumsy with them. He's a perfect eater, breastfeeding is pretty easy now and we are still going strong. He sleeps through the night and is a pretty good napper during the day. He's perfect. I love being home with him and I'm so lucky we can manage it, though I've been thinking a lot about what I will do next, that's a blog for another day.