Wednesday, March 27, 2013

what if

I still get emails for teaching job openings.

Tonight I got an email for a job opening that I interviewed for when I was almost done with student teaching. I really liked the principal and the school, and she liked me enough that I had 2 more interviews with them. It was narrowed down to me and someone else. The someone else already had teaching experience as opposed to me being fresh out of college, and they ultimately went with her. (The story of my teaching life. I sucked at teaching interviews except for Hell City because by then I was SO SICK of interviewing and being second choice that I went way way overboard and even got freaking teary eyed talking about how rewarding it was to work with kids, blah blah blah. I also was pregnant that day with Olivia and didn't know it yet so that might have had something to do with it. In any case, they called and offered me the job before I even made it home from the interview.)


I started thinking about what might have been if I had gotten that first job that I interviewed for. I wouldn't have been at Hell City at all. Or the alternative school. And maybe when I was pregnant with Olivia, I wouldn't have been so stressed out, especially since it would have been my second year there vs. my first year at Hell City. And I would have been teaching only two different classes instead of three. And I probably would have had textbooks. Or novels. Or you know, something for the kids to READ, (besides the stuff I was pulling out from anywhere I could find, for every single day) since I was teaching reading and all.

Maybe I wouldn't have gotten sick at all. Or maybe it wouldn't have been as bad. But then maybe Luke and Matthew wouldn't be here. But then maybe Olivia would be. I'm not sure where that leaves us anymore, except I really miss her, and wish she were here too. But I am so so glad for our boys. But. Ugh.

Once upon a time, I really loved teaching. Even through the alternative school, I liked it a lot. Even the middle schoolers. Especially the middle schoolers. But then Hell City happened and I had no idea a school could be THAT bad. The kids were seriously the spawn of satan, the principal utterly useless, even the veteran teachers at the school had no idea how to handle them. The principal called an assembly once, of the entire 6th grade, she yelled at them for a long time and threatened to start calling the police when they were out of control. Seriously. And then we went back to class and not twenty minutes later, three boys were shooting spitballs at a girl with these elaborate straw devices they had constructed sometime during the day. That ended up being over an hour of extra work for me as I had to assign each boy detention and call their parents and write up office referrals...and the wicked witch principal did absolutely nothing to help aside from her "assembly" that was oh so effective. Every day was something like that and progressively worse as the year went on. After I got sick with Olivia, I never went back, I never wanted to step foot in that stinking school again, I didn't want to teach because even though I knew that school was soooooo far from normal, I didn't want to risk being stuck somewhere that hellish ever again.

But if there had never been Hell City, I might still be teaching now. Even if Olivia had still died, maybe I would have gone back if I had been at a normal school. It's hard to say.

And I am not sure why I still even read the 'job opening' emails, anyway, my teaching certificate is not even current anymore, and I am not at all inclined to make it current.

Funny how it takes so little to still make me start playing the "what if" game, even after all these years. I hate the what if game because there never are any good answers, and although we very very much miss Olivia, it's hard to complain about life with our sweet boys, as hectic as it may be right now.


Kim said...

You will probably always wonder at different points in your life, 'what could have been'. Your life is never fully complete when you've lost your baby:( Too much emptiness to wonder about.

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