So preschool has not really gotten much better for Luke. Today was the 4th day. On the second day, I left and he cried for a half hour straight before I got him. On Thursday, I went with him for an hour and a half, he cried for some of it still but also went and played. Today I took him when they were outside. He started playing until I told him goodbye then flipped out. He did sit on one of the teacher's laps for awhile but cried for most of the hour I left him. (Ran to buy baby food for Matthew and then went back to check on him, he was standing at the door crying.)
I actually really like his teachers now. And the program. But I am leaning heavily towards pulling him out. I will give it one more day to get much better, talk to our ped tomorrow, etc. I mean, we "could" keep doing what we are doing and I am sure eventually it would get to the point where he would play more than cry. I am not sure I want to work this hard at it, though, or force it as much as we are.
It has gotten to the point where our typically pretty independent kid is very clingy everywhere now. I went to IKEA this weekend while we were in Chicago for a couple hours with Matthew, accidentally left my cell phone in the car, and came back to find Joe had tried to call me 5 times because Luke kept crying for me. Luke does prefer me and prefer to go with me whenever, that's not really new since he's with me more than Joe, but it's definitely not like him to cry when I'm not there.
And then he says, "School, sad. I cry." And I keep trying to say, "No! School is fun! You play with friends. You play outside. You sing songs!" But he just keeps up with the "school. cry" stuff.
Also, the High Maintenance parents and kids. I do not like them. (The first day of school they hogged the window. The second day, they practically shoved me out of the way, while I was standing there holding Matthew, and I was standing to the side of the window so people could still see, not in the middle of it like they do. The third day, they made their kids flip out because they stayed and kept standing at the door where the kids could see them--it happened at least 3 times in the time I was there. I feel really sorry for the teachers. Apparently, their husbands drop them off with the kids in the morning and they stay there the entire time, every day, watching in the hallway. Their kids are criers too and cry the entire time, while they watch them from the hallway, for the 3 hours.) The rest of the kids (10 others) and their parents are fine. But those four. Ugh. I know that I don't get to pick who his classmates are but hopefully we won't run into any other obnoxious foursomes like these ones. I mean, who stays there for 3 hours, EVERY day, and then just stands in the hallway watching your kid cry the whole time? What is the point of that? I don't get it.And I think they are planning on being dropped off and watching in the hallway the whole entire year.
So anyway. I am not so worried about having to have Luke in full time care next year anymore, because #1 I doubt I will get in the ultrasound school program yet (100+ people would have had to decide to drop off the list.) #2 He will be a year older and maybe better able to handle it then. #3 Hopefully my mom is still going to retire for real this year (now she is starting to waver about it) and could watch him most of the time/part time.
The main thing is, I could use a break from him for a few hours a week. I am a better mom-I have a lot more patience for the typical two year old stuff- when we have a few hours apart a week. And with Matthew as a total mama's boy as well, I want Luke to get to do more "fun" stuff like play doh and crafts and finger paint and new stories and stuff that I really just don't have the time or the energy to mess with right now. (Matthew is still not sleeping through the night. Half the time Luke doesn't either. And then they are both up by 5 or 6 am at the latest. So yeah, breaking out the finger paint is not going to happen very often.) But this is turning out to be a whole lot of work and stress and I'm leaning towards it not being worth it, especially for what we are paying, and especially since he's only 2.
The worst part is that I totally didn't see this coming at all. I was so sure he would do great and love it. I was so excited for him to start. Now I feel like I obviously didn't know my kid at all.
I found an in home daycare-preschool that is Montessori based that I really like what I've seen of, online. Unfortunately, she isn't doing part day options though she does have a 2 full days a week option (that is only slightly more than we are paying now for 3-hours and it includes 2 meals and snacks.) I don't think Luke is ready for full day, anytime soon, but I am thinking that may be a good option for us-maybe starting in January. (I would probably just pay the full day rate and just pick him up after lunch.)
I am going to try again on Thursday, I guess, at least give him an hour. If he doesn't do significantly better, I think we are going to stop and try again later. It just sucks, stressing out about it and not having any magic answers about what to do.
On a brighter note, with the exception of Luke's sadness missing me, and my IKEA trip from hell (spoiler: it started when Matthew pooped all over his clothes and car seat and I had no back up outfit for him since we had used it the day before and very few wipes, it didn't get much better from there.), we had so much fun in Chicago. (And I managed to get in two trips to IKEA that were not hellish.) We were really glad we went and think we may do it again next year. I will write a longer post with pictures on that later.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Preschool (dropout?)
So Luke's first day of preschool was yesterday. At the meet the teacher night, (during which, we really didn't even get to talk to the teacher at all...), Luke was so happy to be there playing. He was all over the room and never even glanced back to see if we were still there. He is like that at most places, so we didn't think he'd really have too much of a hard time. The teacher made a big deal about asking parents not to "sneak out" the first day, make sure you say bye to your kid, most of them do fine after a few minutes of crying. And if they spend the whole time crying, they will give you a call. (And she gave us a paper with tips for the first day that said this as well.)
So we got there and Luke was happily playing. I said bye and he said okay and took my hand like he was going to leave with me. I explained to him that I was going to leave for a little bit, he was going to stay and play, and then I'd come get him in a little bit. I gave him another kiss and said bye and then took him over to some toys, he got distracted playing, and then I left without saying goodbye for a third time. So I sort of snuck out because he may not have really realized I was leaving but I have worked with two year olds. I hated it when the kid would be fine, happily playing, and the parent would keep trying to say goodbye over and over and over until the kid was upset and stressed out and crying. (It seemed like they wanted them to be upset that they were leaving, so they were going to keep rubbing in that they were leaving until the kid was crying!)
There are a bunch of incredibly high maintenance parents from Luke's class. It's a group of like 4 of them. They spent the entire meet the teacher night and the entire morning monopolizing the teacher so no one else could talk to her. I caught the asst. teacher and told them about the pink highlighter Luke drew all over his stomach several days ago, it hasn't come off entirely in the bath yet and it's just faded enough to look like a rash. So I told her about that and told her that he is still in diapers that were in his cubby and left, while Luke was still happily playing, and I had my bright red double stroller so it wasn't very "sneaky".
They have a one way mirror/window in the classroom so parents can see in but kids can't see out. It's small though, like a little bigger than an 8x 10 frame. One of the high maintenance parents was standing right smack in the middle of it just watching her kid play (the others were still in there talking to the teacher), I stood and waited and tried to see around her for a few minutes but then gave up and figured he was probably just fine, I mean they said they would call if the child didn't settle in, etc.
Matthew and I ran to Target and Aldi's nearby, I wanted to stay close in case they had to call. Then I went home to put the stuff away, feed Matthew, pack a lunch for Luke to eat on the way home since pick up was at noon and I was hoping he would eat then fall asleep on the 15 min drive home, and then went to get him.
They do drop off and pick up in an assinine way. They don't just have the class open at 9 and 12 for pick up and drop off for people to stagger in naturally. They have a sign on the door that says "please wait" basically, so everyone is out there waiting and all come in at once. It is a gigantic, unorganized, chaotic clusterfuck. It doesn't allow for anyone to talk to the teachers and I really hate the way that they do it. (None of the other classrooms in the 2 year old hallway had parents lined up waiting and kids were leaving with their parents as I came in.) It doesn't make the routines any smoother because you have 9+ kids trying to drop off their back packs and wash their hands and everything at once.
Anyway, when I went to pick up, the high maintenance mom from previously was still hogging the window and the other parents were trying to peek in around her while she stood there obliviously. I tried to glance in but I didn't see Luke and assumed he was fine, it's not like they had called me or anything.
So when they 'let us' in the classroom, Luke is laying on the floor behind the teacher, sobbing hysterically-exhaustedly. She says to me that he cried a lot, he did okay when they went outside, then was really upset when they came back in, and probably I should stop by and check in on him next time. And then before I can ask her anything she is off talking to someone else and Luke is trying to drag me out of there so we go.
Ugh. I am so annoyed on so many levels and honestly ready to pull him on the principle that I don't really care for the teacher so far and I am pretty freaking furious that they didn't call me, and that I was just standing outside in the freaking hallway for about 10 minutes, waiting for them to let us in while he was in there crying on the floor after having cried for most of the 3 hours. Luke cries but he is not a kid who cries a lot. He is busy, and gets in to trouble, and has tantrums and whatever, but I don't think I've ever heard him cry for more then 10 minutes. I get that they have a lot of kids and it's chaotic but they also have a front desk and did not have to call me themselves. I'm annoyed with myself for not looking in the window even if I had to push that B-word out of my way. I'm trying to figure out where we go from here and how much I even want to try to make this work.
My biggest concern with pulling him out is if I start ultrasound school next fall, and then he will have to go somewhere fulltime {possibly). But I'm number 148 or something on the waiting list and they only take 24 new students a year. So more than 100 people would have had to decide to not stay on the waiting list/not go, for me to get in next year. (You have to have all your pre-reqs including 120 hours of patient experience done to even get on the waiting list. We get our updated number in Oct.) I am thinking it is pretty unlikely I will be in school next year, and he's a young two/not even 2.5 yet, so it may be the best idea to pull him and try again in a few months with maybe a part time baby sitter or a few hours of daycare. This place is not cheap, it would save us a lot of money, and he may not just be ready yet.
I am annoyed that it's already 15 minutes away and they want me to stop by and see how he's doing when he's only there for 3 hours. That they didn't call when they said they would. With some of the other obnoxious parents that are probably going to be this way all year.
The things I like about it is that the teachers mostly have degrees, both in early childhood and special ed. They are NAEYC accredited which does not come easily or cheaply. The facility is very nice, the people who work there are very nice. I like the special ed teacher more than I like the main teacher and I think Luke does too.
But I worked with 2 year olds for several years, we would have never let a child cry for more than a couple hours without calling his parents. Never ever ever. I don't need an early childhood degree to know that much is not appropriate. I trusted that they would call me and now I don't really have much trust in them at all. I would have never ever ever suggested that a parent should stop and check in and maybe pick up early, I would have said "we will call you if he's struggling for more than a few minutes".And I think someone who has been doing this for 6 years should have figured out a better drop off/pick up situation then the madness it is now. I understand not having the door open at 8:30...but at 8:57? I think I will purposely come late to avoid that.
Anyway, I'm going to pay for the month and see if it gets better, but I'm already leaning towards pulling him out unless he warms up quickly and it gets better. It makes no sense for me to pay over 200 a month if I'm going to be driving a half hour to get there and back and then have hang out there for an hour of the three hours.
At least Luke doesn't seem traumatized from it. He ignores all talk about school completely, even when we tell him he's going back to play there again soon, etc. He told my mom he went to school and that was it.
Miraculously I managed to get everything and everyone early enough to snap a few pictures that Luke was not very cooperative for, the happier times:
So we got there and Luke was happily playing. I said bye and he said okay and took my hand like he was going to leave with me. I explained to him that I was going to leave for a little bit, he was going to stay and play, and then I'd come get him in a little bit. I gave him another kiss and said bye and then took him over to some toys, he got distracted playing, and then I left without saying goodbye for a third time. So I sort of snuck out because he may not have really realized I was leaving but I have worked with two year olds. I hated it when the kid would be fine, happily playing, and the parent would keep trying to say goodbye over and over and over until the kid was upset and stressed out and crying. (It seemed like they wanted them to be upset that they were leaving, so they were going to keep rubbing in that they were leaving until the kid was crying!)
There are a bunch of incredibly high maintenance parents from Luke's class. It's a group of like 4 of them. They spent the entire meet the teacher night and the entire morning monopolizing the teacher so no one else could talk to her. I caught the asst. teacher and told them about the pink highlighter Luke drew all over his stomach several days ago, it hasn't come off entirely in the bath yet and it's just faded enough to look like a rash. So I told her about that and told her that he is still in diapers that were in his cubby and left, while Luke was still happily playing, and I had my bright red double stroller so it wasn't very "sneaky".
They have a one way mirror/window in the classroom so parents can see in but kids can't see out. It's small though, like a little bigger than an 8x 10 frame. One of the high maintenance parents was standing right smack in the middle of it just watching her kid play (the others were still in there talking to the teacher), I stood and waited and tried to see around her for a few minutes but then gave up and figured he was probably just fine, I mean they said they would call if the child didn't settle in, etc.
Matthew and I ran to Target and Aldi's nearby, I wanted to stay close in case they had to call. Then I went home to put the stuff away, feed Matthew, pack a lunch for Luke to eat on the way home since pick up was at noon and I was hoping he would eat then fall asleep on the 15 min drive home, and then went to get him.
They do drop off and pick up in an assinine way. They don't just have the class open at 9 and 12 for pick up and drop off for people to stagger in naturally. They have a sign on the door that says "please wait" basically, so everyone is out there waiting and all come in at once. It is a gigantic, unorganized, chaotic clusterfuck. It doesn't allow for anyone to talk to the teachers and I really hate the way that they do it. (None of the other classrooms in the 2 year old hallway had parents lined up waiting and kids were leaving with their parents as I came in.) It doesn't make the routines any smoother because you have 9+ kids trying to drop off their back packs and wash their hands and everything at once.
Anyway, when I went to pick up, the high maintenance mom from previously was still hogging the window and the other parents were trying to peek in around her while she stood there obliviously. I tried to glance in but I didn't see Luke and assumed he was fine, it's not like they had called me or anything.
So when they 'let us' in the classroom, Luke is laying on the floor behind the teacher, sobbing hysterically-exhaustedly. She says to me that he cried a lot, he did okay when they went outside, then was really upset when they came back in, and probably I should stop by and check in on him next time. And then before I can ask her anything she is off talking to someone else and Luke is trying to drag me out of there so we go.
Ugh. I am so annoyed on so many levels and honestly ready to pull him on the principle that I don't really care for the teacher so far and I am pretty freaking furious that they didn't call me, and that I was just standing outside in the freaking hallway for about 10 minutes, waiting for them to let us in while he was in there crying on the floor after having cried for most of the 3 hours. Luke cries but he is not a kid who cries a lot. He is busy, and gets in to trouble, and has tantrums and whatever, but I don't think I've ever heard him cry for more then 10 minutes. I get that they have a lot of kids and it's chaotic but they also have a front desk and did not have to call me themselves. I'm annoyed with myself for not looking in the window even if I had to push that B-word out of my way. I'm trying to figure out where we go from here and how much I even want to try to make this work.
My biggest concern with pulling him out is if I start ultrasound school next fall, and then he will have to go somewhere fulltime {possibly). But I'm number 148 or something on the waiting list and they only take 24 new students a year. So more than 100 people would have had to decide to not stay on the waiting list/not go, for me to get in next year. (You have to have all your pre-reqs including 120 hours of patient experience done to even get on the waiting list. We get our updated number in Oct.) I am thinking it is pretty unlikely I will be in school next year, and he's a young two/not even 2.5 yet, so it may be the best idea to pull him and try again in a few months with maybe a part time baby sitter or a few hours of daycare. This place is not cheap, it would save us a lot of money, and he may not just be ready yet.
I am annoyed that it's already 15 minutes away and they want me to stop by and see how he's doing when he's only there for 3 hours. That they didn't call when they said they would. With some of the other obnoxious parents that are probably going to be this way all year.
The things I like about it is that the teachers mostly have degrees, both in early childhood and special ed. They are NAEYC accredited which does not come easily or cheaply. The facility is very nice, the people who work there are very nice. I like the special ed teacher more than I like the main teacher and I think Luke does too.
But I worked with 2 year olds for several years, we would have never let a child cry for more than a couple hours without calling his parents. Never ever ever. I don't need an early childhood degree to know that much is not appropriate. I trusted that they would call me and now I don't really have much trust in them at all. I would have never ever ever suggested that a parent should stop and check in and maybe pick up early, I would have said "we will call you if he's struggling for more than a few minutes".And I think someone who has been doing this for 6 years should have figured out a better drop off/pick up situation then the madness it is now. I understand not having the door open at 8:30...but at 8:57? I think I will purposely come late to avoid that.
Anyway, I'm going to pay for the month and see if it gets better, but I'm already leaning towards pulling him out unless he warms up quickly and it gets better. It makes no sense for me to pay over 200 a month if I'm going to be driving a half hour to get there and back and then have hang out there for an hour of the three hours.
At least Luke doesn't seem traumatized from it. He ignores all talk about school completely, even when we tell him he's going back to play there again soon, etc. He told my mom he went to school and that was it.
Miraculously I managed to get everything and everyone early enough to snap a few pictures that Luke was not very cooperative for, the happier times:
 |
| Matthew woke up happy |
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| Under his hand says "a surprise" |
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| He looks upset here but he was just talking expressively |
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| ALMOST smiling |
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| Both kids- and I give up because we didn't have THAT much time to spare. |
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Meetings and milestones.
I went to our support group meeting tonight and am glad I did. There were a lot of newish people-like in the first year but no one brand new-and only one person I hadn't met before. I ended up being the only experienced person as in 2 years or more "out".
It is always such a huge reminder of how far we've come, going there and talking to newish people. I remember my first meeting, talking to people that had lost their babies three and four plus years sooner and wondering how on earth they made it and how on earth I would ever do it. But here we are. Those "veterans" that I once looked up to, don't go to meetings much anymore, and suddenly here I am as a veteran. Someone told me tonight that they were glad I had come and that it gave them hope, so I'm glad I went.
It felt good, to have that time to sit and think about Olivia, and talk about her. I am in a weird place lately of feeling guilty for not feeling sad "enough" and just meh. But more and more lately, I am refusing to get into those grief mindgames and I just move on to thinking about something else instead of beating myself up.
I really cannot believe that we are approaching 4 years soon.
Also, I can't believe how stressed out I STILL get, four years and two mostly healthy pregnancies later, walking through that hospital again.
It also made me miss being pregnant, a little tiny bit. I was there 3x a week with Matthew for months and a ton with Lucas as well. Being pregnant stinks while you are pregnant, but all too soon those baby kicks from the inside and laying back listening to the baby's heart rate on monitors is over.
----
This is a big milestone week for our family.
On Sunday, Matthew started SLOOOOWWWWLLYYYYYYY but officially crawling. By the end of the day Monday, he could cross the room in a few seconds. He has a special knack for finding choking hazards--awesome. He has pulled himself to standing twice but only with his legs wayy far out behind him that he's not officially figured it out yet. He's getting really close though and loves "standing" on his knees all the time. My baby is getting big.
He tortured Joe tonight by crying his head off all night, while I was at the meeting. When I got home and took him he calmed down immediately although it took a few minutes for him to catch his breath.
That is my favorite part of going to meetings, is coming home and hugging my boys tight, because those meetings are a good reminder of how lucky we are to have them.
Anyway, Luke goes to preschool tomorrow for the first time. I am excited for him. And also a teeny tiny bit sad that my baby is old enough to go to preschool. (Granted, a lot of places don't have programs until 3.) I think he will love it though and I really really hope he doesn't cry or get sad. I'm nervous.
Since the proper mom thing to do is to take pictures of the kid with a sign that says first day, etc., and some overachieving parents also ask their kids what they want to do when they grow up and put that on the sign, I figured what the hell and asked Luke while I was rocking him to sleep what he wants to be when he grows up. (Uh, I don't even know if he knows what that even means.) He smiled sleepily at me and was quiet for a minute and then said, "A surprise!" {Actually in toddler speak it was "a 'rprize"}. Picture and sign and update to come tomorrow afternoon.
It is always such a huge reminder of how far we've come, going there and talking to newish people. I remember my first meeting, talking to people that had lost their babies three and four plus years sooner and wondering how on earth they made it and how on earth I would ever do it. But here we are. Those "veterans" that I once looked up to, don't go to meetings much anymore, and suddenly here I am as a veteran. Someone told me tonight that they were glad I had come and that it gave them hope, so I'm glad I went.
It felt good, to have that time to sit and think about Olivia, and talk about her. I am in a weird place lately of feeling guilty for not feeling sad "enough" and just meh. But more and more lately, I am refusing to get into those grief mindgames and I just move on to thinking about something else instead of beating myself up.
I really cannot believe that we are approaching 4 years soon.
Also, I can't believe how stressed out I STILL get, four years and two mostly healthy pregnancies later, walking through that hospital again.
It also made me miss being pregnant, a little tiny bit. I was there 3x a week with Matthew for months and a ton with Lucas as well. Being pregnant stinks while you are pregnant, but all too soon those baby kicks from the inside and laying back listening to the baby's heart rate on monitors is over.
----
This is a big milestone week for our family.
On Sunday, Matthew started SLOOOOWWWWLLYYYYYYY but officially crawling. By the end of the day Monday, he could cross the room in a few seconds. He has a special knack for finding choking hazards--awesome. He has pulled himself to standing twice but only with his legs wayy far out behind him that he's not officially figured it out yet. He's getting really close though and loves "standing" on his knees all the time. My baby is getting big.
He tortured Joe tonight by crying his head off all night, while I was at the meeting. When I got home and took him he calmed down immediately although it took a few minutes for him to catch his breath.
That is my favorite part of going to meetings, is coming home and hugging my boys tight, because those meetings are a good reminder of how lucky we are to have them.
Anyway, Luke goes to preschool tomorrow for the first time. I am excited for him. And also a teeny tiny bit sad that my baby is old enough to go to preschool. (Granted, a lot of places don't have programs until 3.) I think he will love it though and I really really hope he doesn't cry or get sad. I'm nervous.
Since the proper mom thing to do is to take pictures of the kid with a sign that says first day, etc., and some overachieving parents also ask their kids what they want to do when they grow up and put that on the sign, I figured what the hell and asked Luke while I was rocking him to sleep what he wants to be when he grows up. (Uh, I don't even know if he knows what that even means.) He smiled sleepily at me and was quiet for a minute and then said, "A surprise!" {Actually in toddler speak it was "a 'rprize"}. Picture and sign and update to come tomorrow afternoon.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Love love love. And heavy thoughts.
I am so in love with this music video and artist. She lost her daughter during her pregnancy and is crazy talented and writing music that sadly way too many of us can relate to:
A couple weeks ago someone posted an article discussing whether it is/was ethical for neonatalogists to attempt to "save" micropreemies even if the parents want them to try. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/05/opinion/end-of-life-at-birth.html?_r=0
I am so so torn on this. I always have been.
After they convinced us that we HAD to deliver Olivia (only after they said she would be stillborn if we didn't, which was true, as there was very low amniotic fluid and reverse bloodflow), they asked us if we wanted them to resuscitate her, if they could. They said that there was only about a 1% chance that she would live, and if she did, odds were extremely high that she would be severely handicapped.
Joe answered confidently and emphatically, "YES!" while looking at me and not knowing I had been about to say no. It's not that I didn't want a handicapped daughter, I didn't want to put her through everything keeping her alive would entail, only for her to die in a few days anyway. I think the doctor may have seen the doubt in my eyes and might have left us to talk about it, but those kind of details are fuzzy now. I do remember talking about it alone with him.
I remember the jackass MFM telling us that it was a lost cause, and that he couldn't really fathom WHY my OB would bother transferring me hospitals (from one with a moderate level NICU to one with the most advanced NICU in our area).
In hindsight, I am glad that Joe said yes, and that I let it stand, because I would have felt horribly guilty wondering if we shouldn't have said yes. There is enough to feel guilty about (I know not legitimately, but any mom who has lost a baby knows about the guilt that comes with it, as brutally unfair as that is.)
In the end, our choice didn't matter, because they decided after delivery for us that she was too small, and they said they didn't have small enough equipment. It turns out that even though the hospital is very Catholic, they use that excuse a lot, even with bigger babies, so I have come to think that's just their nicer way of saying they aren't going to try to save your baby, especially since other hospitals do/have saved 23 weekers. (About a year ago there was a 9.6 ounce baby born at 23 weeks from preeclampsia who was discharged from the hospital after 6 months...Olivia was 10.5 ounces at 23 weeks, so bigger then the baby that survived and according to her facebook page is doing relatively well today. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/worlds-smallest-surviving-babies-home/story?id=16714169 .)
And this is where it gets so tricky. It pisses me off, still, that they didn't even TRY. But then, if she was going to be in the NICU for a few days or hours but die anyway, I'm glad she didn't go through that. But what if she would have lived?...and that's where it gets so murky. We don't have a crystal ball to see how it would have turned out.
I love our boys and I can't imagine not having them fill my days with tantrums and giggles and visits in the middle of the night and everything. They make us so happy and fill our lives with so much love and joy. If Olivia was here, both of them probably wouldn't be. I can't be sad that they are here. I wish that she was too. But since it couldn't have ever worked out this way, I am more and more "at peace" I guess you could say, that they didn't try to save her. I'm still not sure if that means they shouldn't even give parents a choice, I don't like that alternative either. I guess no matter which way it goes, it sucks, to a certain extent.
As Olivia's fourth birthday is too rapidly approaching, my thoughts are more and more what our lives would be like if she were here, except when I imagine her here, I always imagine what life would be like with a typical 4 year old, not a 4 year old who was born at 23 weeks (who might have been typical by 4 but most likely, not.)
I miss her.
A couple weeks ago someone posted an article discussing whether it is/was ethical for neonatalogists to attempt to "save" micropreemies even if the parents want them to try. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/05/opinion/end-of-life-at-birth.html?_r=0
I am so so torn on this. I always have been.
After they convinced us that we HAD to deliver Olivia (only after they said she would be stillborn if we didn't, which was true, as there was very low amniotic fluid and reverse bloodflow), they asked us if we wanted them to resuscitate her, if they could. They said that there was only about a 1% chance that she would live, and if she did, odds were extremely high that she would be severely handicapped.
Joe answered confidently and emphatically, "YES!" while looking at me and not knowing I had been about to say no. It's not that I didn't want a handicapped daughter, I didn't want to put her through everything keeping her alive would entail, only for her to die in a few days anyway. I think the doctor may have seen the doubt in my eyes and might have left us to talk about it, but those kind of details are fuzzy now. I do remember talking about it alone with him.
I remember the jackass MFM telling us that it was a lost cause, and that he couldn't really fathom WHY my OB would bother transferring me hospitals (from one with a moderate level NICU to one with the most advanced NICU in our area).
In hindsight, I am glad that Joe said yes, and that I let it stand, because I would have felt horribly guilty wondering if we shouldn't have said yes. There is enough to feel guilty about (I know not legitimately, but any mom who has lost a baby knows about the guilt that comes with it, as brutally unfair as that is.)
In the end, our choice didn't matter, because they decided after delivery for us that she was too small, and they said they didn't have small enough equipment. It turns out that even though the hospital is very Catholic, they use that excuse a lot, even with bigger babies, so I have come to think that's just their nicer way of saying they aren't going to try to save your baby, especially since other hospitals do/have saved 23 weekers. (About a year ago there was a 9.6 ounce baby born at 23 weeks from preeclampsia who was discharged from the hospital after 6 months...Olivia was 10.5 ounces at 23 weeks, so bigger then the baby that survived and according to her facebook page is doing relatively well today. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/worlds-smallest-surviving-babies-home/story?id=16714169 .)
And this is where it gets so tricky. It pisses me off, still, that they didn't even TRY. But then, if she was going to be in the NICU for a few days or hours but die anyway, I'm glad she didn't go through that. But what if she would have lived?...and that's where it gets so murky. We don't have a crystal ball to see how it would have turned out.
I love our boys and I can't imagine not having them fill my days with tantrums and giggles and visits in the middle of the night and everything. They make us so happy and fill our lives with so much love and joy. If Olivia was here, both of them probably wouldn't be. I can't be sad that they are here. I wish that she was too. But since it couldn't have ever worked out this way, I am more and more "at peace" I guess you could say, that they didn't try to save her. I'm still not sure if that means they shouldn't even give parents a choice, I don't like that alternative either. I guess no matter which way it goes, it sucks, to a certain extent.
As Olivia's fourth birthday is too rapidly approaching, my thoughts are more and more what our lives would be like if she were here, except when I imagine her here, I always imagine what life would be like with a typical 4 year old, not a 4 year old who was born at 23 weeks (who might have been typical by 4 but most likely, not.)
I miss her.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Gold star for me.
Today we went to the zoo with my sister and her boyfriend.
Luke is at a tricky zoo age, he likes to walk and be out of the stroller, but he's not that great at holding hands reliably and needs to be lifted up often to see.
Matthew only tolerates the stroller for an hour or so at a time. And he isn't really a huge fan of being 'worn' for very long (although while we were at the zoo it occurred to me that I've never tried to put him in facing outward, which is one of the options, so I may have to give that a try.)
Anyway, the first and only time I attempted to bring both kids to the zoo on my own was when we were meeting up with a group of friends and that was mostly a huge disaster. (Had to chase Luke up the biggest freaking hill in the park because he broke free from my hand and chased a squirrel. Matthew wanted to be held most of the day and NOT in the baby carrier. Luke didn't want to ride in the stroller. Etc.) I learned my lesson from that and only try to go to the zoo if someone is with me or at least meeting a friend for a smaller group.
So we met them at the park and had a nice morning with just a bit of rain but that was okay too because it kept it from getting too crowded or hot. My sister and her boyfriend got "zoo'd out" after a couple of hours but there was no way I was going to try to drive 45 min home without feeding Matthew. I was feeling brave though so I told them they could go.
I managed to feed them both (big thanks to the ducks for keeping Luke entertained while Matthew was eating baby food)- only one minor meltdown over a part of the pretzel Luke dropped and I threw away before he could eat it, but other than that, it went smoothly enough and I told Luke that if he stayed in the stroller we could go see more animals. He said okay so I figured we'd give it a try and could always leave if he started getting antsy.
We went and saw the apes, and the birds, and the penguins, and the bears, and I even managed to find a wheelchair-accessible bathroom and took the kids in it because I had to pee, and they sat there quietly and were totally perfect.
We were all completely exhausted after that so we made our way back to the car and I changed both kids diapers as I put them in the car (one of the huge conveniences of having a minivan) and basically not only did we all survive our day of fun but it went ridiculously well and the only glitch in our afternoon was me getting mildly lost trying to find the penguins (and walking like 2000 feet out of our way but even that was okay because Luke liked looking at the animals along the way.)
I'm sure this means the next time I try to venture out with them, it will probably be a huge disaster, but for right now I'm relishing the moment that I took the two year old and 9 month old to the zoo and spent the afternoon with them there on my own and it was quite fantastic.
Now let's cross our fingers that everyone sleeps well tonight because I am exhausted and the boys must be too considering neither of them has slept for more than 45 minutes today.
Luke is at a tricky zoo age, he likes to walk and be out of the stroller, but he's not that great at holding hands reliably and needs to be lifted up often to see.
Matthew only tolerates the stroller for an hour or so at a time. And he isn't really a huge fan of being 'worn' for very long (although while we were at the zoo it occurred to me that I've never tried to put him in facing outward, which is one of the options, so I may have to give that a try.)
Anyway, the first and only time I attempted to bring both kids to the zoo on my own was when we were meeting up with a group of friends and that was mostly a huge disaster. (Had to chase Luke up the biggest freaking hill in the park because he broke free from my hand and chased a squirrel. Matthew wanted to be held most of the day and NOT in the baby carrier. Luke didn't want to ride in the stroller. Etc.) I learned my lesson from that and only try to go to the zoo if someone is with me or at least meeting a friend for a smaller group.
So we met them at the park and had a nice morning with just a bit of rain but that was okay too because it kept it from getting too crowded or hot. My sister and her boyfriend got "zoo'd out" after a couple of hours but there was no way I was going to try to drive 45 min home without feeding Matthew. I was feeling brave though so I told them they could go.
I managed to feed them both (big thanks to the ducks for keeping Luke entertained while Matthew was eating baby food)- only one minor meltdown over a part of the pretzel Luke dropped and I threw away before he could eat it, but other than that, it went smoothly enough and I told Luke that if he stayed in the stroller we could go see more animals. He said okay so I figured we'd give it a try and could always leave if he started getting antsy.
We went and saw the apes, and the birds, and the penguins, and the bears, and I even managed to find a wheelchair-accessible bathroom and took the kids in it because I had to pee, and they sat there quietly and were totally perfect.
We were all completely exhausted after that so we made our way back to the car and I changed both kids diapers as I put them in the car (one of the huge conveniences of having a minivan) and basically not only did we all survive our day of fun but it went ridiculously well and the only glitch in our afternoon was me getting mildly lost trying to find the penguins (and walking like 2000 feet out of our way but even that was okay because Luke liked looking at the animals along the way.)
I'm sure this means the next time I try to venture out with them, it will probably be a huge disaster, but for right now I'm relishing the moment that I took the two year old and 9 month old to the zoo and spent the afternoon with them there on my own and it was quite fantastic.
Now let's cross our fingers that everyone sleeps well tonight because I am exhausted and the boys must be too considering neither of them has slept for more than 45 minutes today.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
"Pants mom pants"
Quickly want to write this down so I don't forget about it later:
While I was feeding Matthew, I just asked Luke if he wants to go out to the park and play and that we need to get dressed. He disappears for a few minutes and then returns with one of my t-shirts and a pair of Joe's boxers (clean stuff he pulled out of the laundry basket) and is trying to put the boxers on saying "Pants mom, pants. Help!" and looking totally bewildered about it all.
Moments like this ALMOST make up for the time(s) when I had to chase him across the entire upper floor of a mall after he snuck by me while I was putting Matthew in the stroller and just took off and kept running and running until he reached the end of the mall. He was pretty lucky to still be alive after that one, and then a week later the exact same thing happened (same place), because I can be an idiot and didn't really think he would do it again.
While I was feeding Matthew, I just asked Luke if he wants to go out to the park and play and that we need to get dressed. He disappears for a few minutes and then returns with one of my t-shirts and a pair of Joe's boxers (clean stuff he pulled out of the laundry basket) and is trying to put the boxers on saying "Pants mom, pants. Help!" and looking totally bewildered about it all.
Moments like this ALMOST make up for the time(s) when I had to chase him across the entire upper floor of a mall after he snuck by me while I was putting Matthew in the stroller and just took off and kept running and running until he reached the end of the mall. He was pretty lucky to still be alive after that one, and then a week later the exact same thing happened (same place), because I can be an idiot and didn't really think he would do it again.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Proud moment
A week ago or so, I ordered the Closetmaid cubical organizer thing for Luke's room. (It is pretty disappointing, just way too flimsy for a toddler room, IMO, (although Joe offered to fix it by putting some 2x4's along the back which would help a lot), and is going to end up in one of the boy's closets after I get a more sturdy organizer from IKEA when we go to Chicago in a few weeks to see Thomas the Train.
Anyway, it was delivered to our doorstep yesterday (ordered online for the sale deal, plus 5% off on my Target card, plus 5% more off through Upromise. Bonus: telling Joe I am saving for the boys' college funds by online shopping.) It took me a couple of hours to put it together due to many distractions and interruptions by a certain 9 month old and 2 year old and their expectations to eat dinner.
Once it was put together, I lamented how unsturdy it was, but Luke followed me into his room and his little two year old face lit up. (Prior to this, the toys in his room had been thrown in a large plastic Rubbermaid tub so this is a step up for sure.) He looked at me and patted one of the cubbies and said "Book!" "Book!" Then he ran into the living room, grabbed a few of his books from our built in bookshelf, and started stacking them up. He came back and forth a few more times until he was satisfied with his stack.
Sidenote: We did NOT paint his room that awful bright yellow color. (It
is tampered down in this picture, way worse in real life.) We were just
too lazy to mess with it since this was the spare room/office until
Matthew came along and Luke only just recently started sleeping in his
own room and still isn't in there very much. (He was sleeping in bed
with Joe while Matthew and I held down the fort in the living room,
super romantic. But then he wasn't sleeping through the night there
either, anyway, so I said what the heck, if he's going to wake up
looking for me at 3 am, he can at least start out in his own bed...so he
does.) Anyway, the previous owners not only picked a color we really
don't love, they did a horrible job painting (like skipped the inside of
the closet entirely...and before the yellow apparently it was a weird
bright green color...) The previous owners also put up some basic white
wall shelves, except the dumbasses never attached them to wall studs,
and a few weeks ago the shelves came crashing down, thank god not on
Luke's head. Guess what they also didn't paint? The wall underneath
where they installed the shelves, so now there are bright green stripes
on the wall under where they hung the shelves. So, I'm thinking painting
his room is in my near future.
Anyway, it was delivered to our doorstep yesterday (ordered online for the sale deal, plus 5% off on my Target card, plus 5% more off through Upromise. Bonus: telling Joe I am saving for the boys' college funds by online shopping.) It took me a couple of hours to put it together due to many distractions and interruptions by a certain 9 month old and 2 year old and their expectations to eat dinner.
Once it was put together, I lamented how unsturdy it was, but Luke followed me into his room and his little two year old face lit up. (Prior to this, the toys in his room had been thrown in a large plastic Rubbermaid tub so this is a step up for sure.) He looked at me and patted one of the cubbies and said "Book!" "Book!" Then he ran into the living room, grabbed a few of his books from our built in bookshelf, and started stacking them up. He came back and forth a few more times until he was satisfied with his stack.
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| The cubicals. |
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| A closer look at his stack of books, I will reorganize them later :) And his adorable backpack |
Thursday, August 1, 2013
9 months and 27 months
It is really hard to believe that Matthew is already 9 months old and has been here as long as I was pregnant with him. He is pulling himself into sitting, and up on his knees, and he is all over the place though not quite officially crawling, he still manages to get around. He is obsessed with me and whenever he is doing something and realizes that I'm not in the room (especially if he sees me after I've been away), he flips out. He likes watching other babies and other kids in general. As long as I'm nearby, he is usually pretty content. He still adores his big brother.
He has 3 teeth now (one top, two bottom, with another top one working it's way in)...they hurt! He eats anything we give him (and loves it), mostly jarred baby food, he is just now starting to figure out some very soft finger foods.
I am a slacker and only called to make Matthew's 9 month well baby appointment last week. (Surprise surprise, trying to make a well visit appointment in late July is not great timing, we should call it his 'almost 10 month' appointment.) So no stats on his growth except he is still fitting quite easily in the infant seat (where I will keep him as long as I can) and is WAYYYYYY smaller than Luke was at this point. He still fits in a lot of 6 month sized clothes.I would guess he's about 19 lbs or so.
He has had blocked tear ducts since he was born, and they have been off and on between okay, bad, and really bad. Since mid June, they had been really bad, so bad that I brought him back to the doctor for them. Anyway, the doctor said that they still have time to correct on their own (up till a year), and that most of the time that happens, but if it doesn't, then he will have to have surgery to fix it. So that has had us stressed even if it is a pretty minor surgery, he would still have to be pretty much unconscious for it. A couple weeks ago, one eye was suddenly better. The second eye has been steadily improving and I am hoping by the time we see the doctor in late August for him 9 month appointment, they will both be officially fine. It is REALLY nice not to have to deal with his eyes getting gunky every time he falls asleep and then torturing him to clean them out.
...
Luke is very two. He has me laughing at something silly he is saying one minute, pulling my hair out the next minute. He still really likes counting and is very interested in everything we try to teach him even if he doesn't quite get it. (Tonight we were working on colors in the bathtub. "Blue" "Red" "Yellow"...okay...what color is this? "Purple!"[yellow].) He loves counting and randomly points at things as he "counts" them and he keeps counting and pointing even if there are only 2 things. His counting is getting better I think..(1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, teen, teen, teen). He is OBSESSED with trains and especially Thomas and friends. He is starting to repeat the things we say, which really sucks that he started doing this 2 weeks before preschool starts. The other day I was saying something to Joe and used the word "screwed" , I think it was something relatively benign like "That's screwed up" (probably about the freaking Cardinals...WTF man?!) Luke was sitting there and chirped out, "Screwed!", Without thinking I said, "OH CRAP!" And he parroted back, "cwap!" Fantastic! Luckily I haven't heard him say either word since. I guess I'm going to have to go back in teacher-talking mode.
He is talking a lot, all the time. It's crazy. And he loves playing with other kids, even his own brother, which is really nice.
I never in a million years thought I would be like this but I am starting to get a little sad about starting preschool in a couple weeks. It's only 6 hours a week and I will still have Matthew, so it's not like it's going to be this luxury vacation every day, especially since his preschool is about 15 min. from our house. I probably will spend that time out running errands mostly, actually. (Or hey, I could go work out and drop Matthew in the $2/hourly care at our city's rec center...) Anyway, it's only 3 hours a day. But it is going to be really really weird to take him somewhere (that isn't a family or friend's house), and then just leave him. I will probably be torn between skipping away or crying that first day. I know he is going to love it though and hopefully he will do pretty well. (In a perfect world, it will wear him out so that we come home and eat lunch and sleep the rest of the afternoon and I can get Matthew on the same schedule. I'm not holding my breath for any of that.)
He has 3 teeth now (one top, two bottom, with another top one working it's way in)...they hurt! He eats anything we give him (and loves it), mostly jarred baby food, he is just now starting to figure out some very soft finger foods.
I am a slacker and only called to make Matthew's 9 month well baby appointment last week. (Surprise surprise, trying to make a well visit appointment in late July is not great timing, we should call it his 'almost 10 month' appointment.) So no stats on his growth except he is still fitting quite easily in the infant seat (where I will keep him as long as I can) and is WAYYYYYY smaller than Luke was at this point. He still fits in a lot of 6 month sized clothes.I would guess he's about 19 lbs or so.
He has had blocked tear ducts since he was born, and they have been off and on between okay, bad, and really bad. Since mid June, they had been really bad, so bad that I brought him back to the doctor for them. Anyway, the doctor said that they still have time to correct on their own (up till a year), and that most of the time that happens, but if it doesn't, then he will have to have surgery to fix it. So that has had us stressed even if it is a pretty minor surgery, he would still have to be pretty much unconscious for it. A couple weeks ago, one eye was suddenly better. The second eye has been steadily improving and I am hoping by the time we see the doctor in late August for him 9 month appointment, they will both be officially fine. It is REALLY nice not to have to deal with his eyes getting gunky every time he falls asleep and then torturing him to clean them out.
...
Luke is very two. He has me laughing at something silly he is saying one minute, pulling my hair out the next minute. He still really likes counting and is very interested in everything we try to teach him even if he doesn't quite get it. (Tonight we were working on colors in the bathtub. "Blue" "Red" "Yellow"...okay...what color is this? "Purple!"[yellow].) He loves counting and randomly points at things as he "counts" them and he keeps counting and pointing even if there are only 2 things. His counting is getting better I think..(1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, teen, teen, teen). He is OBSESSED with trains and especially Thomas and friends. He is starting to repeat the things we say, which really sucks that he started doing this 2 weeks before preschool starts. The other day I was saying something to Joe and used the word "screwed" , I think it was something relatively benign like "That's screwed up" (probably about the freaking Cardinals...WTF man?!) Luke was sitting there and chirped out, "Screwed!", Without thinking I said, "OH CRAP!" And he parroted back, "cwap!" Fantastic! Luckily I haven't heard him say either word since. I guess I'm going to have to go back in teacher-talking mode.
He is talking a lot, all the time. It's crazy. And he loves playing with other kids, even his own brother, which is really nice.
I never in a million years thought I would be like this but I am starting to get a little sad about starting preschool in a couple weeks. It's only 6 hours a week and I will still have Matthew, so it's not like it's going to be this luxury vacation every day, especially since his preschool is about 15 min. from our house. I probably will spend that time out running errands mostly, actually. (Or hey, I could go work out and drop Matthew in the $2/hourly care at our city's rec center...) Anyway, it's only 3 hours a day. But it is going to be really really weird to take him somewhere (that isn't a family or friend's house), and then just leave him. I will probably be torn between skipping away or crying that first day. I know he is going to love it though and hopefully he will do pretty well. (In a perfect world, it will wear him out so that we come home and eat lunch and sleep the rest of the afternoon and I can get Matthew on the same schedule. I'm not holding my breath for any of that.)
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| This was how he greeted me in his crib one day after waking up from nap |
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| Luke and another rainbow baby at Purina Farms, pretty sure we have been there 6 times this summer and Luke would gladly go another hundred times |
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| I still can't believe how big he is getting. |
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