Big stuff

As my teacher friends began gearing up for a new school year, I found myself in a bit of a funk a few months ago. Because I didn't have the slightest desire to go back to teaching, not now, not ever. But I'm also not the stay at home mom type (I suck at cooking, and cleaning, and all things domestic. Lucas still mostly naps with me holding him- often napping at the same time- because who needs housework when I can be cuddling with my baby who won't be a baby forever?) I do want to stay home with our kids for the first year or so, and maybe work part time until they are in school, but that almost seemed like a pipe dream. So teaching is out (yay for that 6 year teaching degree). Not being sure of what is next had me super unsettled.

After some self-reflection and some research, I have a new path. Losing Olivia completely changed my priorities and my tolerance for all of the bullshit that goes with teaching. I never thought I would want to be a SAHM, for any length of time beyond maternity leave, until she was gone and I realized just how fleeting time can be.

One of the most important memories with my pregnancy with Olivia was the last ultrasound. We knew by then that I had HELLP syndrome, and the doctors were already saying we had to deliver her. She was too small to pick up on the fetal monitors so the took me to the high risk ultrasound place in the hospital to get an idea of her size and condition. We had been there the month before when my quad screen had come back off to rule out spina bifida. Anyway, I remember silently praying that she would suddenly magically be bigger as they wheeled me there, but already feeling pretty defeated and hopeless. As we suspected, she was way too small. And then the high risk doctor came in and confirmed it. He started talking about delivering soon, and I played along, saving my breath for when it mattered. They both left the room for a few minutes, and that was when I hugged my belly and stared at the tv screen which had a still image of our perfectly healthy but too small baby girl and told Joe, "I don't care what they say. I don't care if it kills me. I am not having this baby today." And he said ok.

Joe was in shock at that moment, he was at home letting the dogs out (we had been in the hospital since 3 am while they tried to figure out what was wrong-I talked him into going home to let the dogs out and get food around 1 pm, since they wouldn't let me eat,) when I called him and told him to come back immediately, in tears telling him that my OB had called and something was wrong with my bloodwork (which had been pretty much normal 6 hours before, but because she's on the ball, she had it redone and the second tests came back dramatically worse.) My OB had talked about transferring me hospitals and me staying on bedrest for a couple of weeks until we could deliver, and that a high risk doctor was on the way to talk to us. So Joe flew back and got there in the middle of the high risk dr talking to me. But I still always wonder how far he would have let me take it. I was ready to rip the iv out and go home against medical advice, in that particular moment. My mom, the voice of reason, showed up, and was absolutely horrified at our discussion and told me later that when she saw the resolute look on my face, she thought for sure she was going to lose us both.

Sometime later, the doctor and tech were back.  The doctor figured me out, I think, and must have known I was not going to deliver her to save myself so he better change his approach. When he said her fluid levels were low- a sign of fetal distress- and that she would be stillborn if we didn't deliver soon, I knew suddenly it was over. I did talk him into waiting for another round of bloodwork, and if everything stayed stable to wait and see. (He grudgingly agreed to that, knowing it wasn't going to get better...it didn't.) But sitting in that ultrasound room, watching my baby girl move and her heart beating and knowing that she was probably going to die,(the NICU gave her a less that 1% chance),was one of the worst moments of my life. The doctor left and the ultrasound tech was still there, so incredibly compassionate. She said, "I just want you to know, that none of this is your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this." She gave us the pictures in an envelope and told me that she put another set of pictures in my file that would always be there if I ever needed them. Even though Olivia was delivered at another hospital a few hours later, by then everything that happened was a foregone conclusion, the real worst moments were in that ultrasound room of the first hospital. But it was also the last time I saw Olivia alive, not dying.

So anyway, it turns out that my path is sonography. Mostly because of Olivia, but I would never be able to do it if it weren't for Lucas, too. It's still not a good enough reason for Olivia to have died, but I think I'm in a unique position, having gone through a pregnancy/neonatal loss, and then also a high risk pregnancy. It will also probably be good for me, to see normal pregnancies where babies don't die, too (even though I'm almost more comfortable with "loss people" now.)

At first, Joe rolled his eyes. I got my Bachelor's degree while he was in the Air Force. My schools were UMSL, Mizzou, City Colleges of Chicago and University of Maryland (while we were overseas), Wichita State (when we were stationed in Kansas), and then finally UMSL again once he got out. It took 6 years and nearly 200 undergraduate credits. (And it is a PITA to track down all of those transcripts. Luckily they are all on my UMSL transcripts.) So me going back to school won't really be anything new (I would love to stay a student forever, really). When we got an idea of how much sonographers make and that they generally have a part time option with still a decent wage, he got much more on board with the idea. I've researched the programs in our area, there are only 3, one is a hospital based program which doesn't let you earn any credits, one is Sanford Brown which is outrageously expensive tuition with the reputation as a diploma mill, and the other is through the community college. So it looks like I'm going to community college for the first time ever. The crappy thing is that I have to do 120 hours of volunteering and take 4-5 classes before I can apply to the program. I also have to talk them into not making me retake Biology. (They waive it if you took a year of high school biology within the last 5 years. Well, I took Biology, Advanced Biology, and Anatomy and Physiology all full years in high school, plus college Biology...but that was 2002 and sooner.) I have it roughly planned out, I will take a class or maybe two starting in January and start volunteering. Take the third class (or maybe last 2 classes) over the summer and finish my volunteer hours. Take the last class in the fall and get my application in, to hopefully start the actual sonography program in Fall 2013. Most of the classes I can take online or over the weekends so I don't have to sacrifice my time with Lucas except for studying. Once the program starts, it is fulltime, but "college" fulltime so not 40 hours of class and stuff, it's only 2 or 3 days a week. He'll be 2.5 by then (oh no!) and definitely a good age to start daycare. (Having worked in daycare for a long time, I won't put babies in daycare--too much going on and babies don't get enough attention, IMO. But I think it's good for toddlers and up, because they learn so much from being around each other.)

So, that's the tentative new plan. I have been feeling much better since Joe seriously got on board with it and then even better now that I've emailed the director of the program and gotten the information I need about what I have to do.

17.5 week growth and picture update

Rainbow baby is still a boy. (Third opinion, all agree, with ultrasound picture evidence.) And, still not shy about showing us.

Everything looks great, still. His heartrate was a little lower than I'm used to (143 beats per minute), but well within normal range, so for us the old wives tale has been true so far...Olivia's heartrate was always in the 150's-160's, rainbow baby has always been in the 140's-low 150's.

Most importantly, he is still measuring ahead. Most of his measurements were 18 weeks + 3 days or so (and today is 17+4, so 6 days ahead), and the average of all of the measurements together was 18+3. (One measurement was actually 18+6, more than a week ahead.) They are already estimating his weight to be 9 ounces, + or - 1 ounce, so 8-10 ounces already. (So he may already be as big as Olivia was at a little over 23 weeks.) My fluid levels look good, all of his organs and everything look good, and he is "a very active baby", put nicely. The ultrasound tech actually said, "This baby does not stop moving for even one second!" He started out laying at the bottom of my uterus looking up, 5 minutes later he was laying against the top of it, looking down, and not long after that he was laying along the bottom again...I mentioned to the tech, "He's changed positions 3 times since we've been here." She said, "Three times nothing! He's changed positions way more times than that!" (I guess I was watching the measurements so closely that I missed it.) The blood flow looked normal, but it's only 17 weeks so that's not especially reassuring yet. We go back in 3 weeks for another growth check. (Normally my ultrasounds are every 4 weeks and sometimes also the high risk doctor will do one with the roll in machine, but since this is when Olivia seriously fell behind in growth, we are checking it a week early this time.)

We didn't get many pictures this time because he moved so much she had a hard enough time just getting the measurements and everything that she needed to get:

His little legs are sticking up against me although it's not as obvious in this picture:

And two blurry baby feet, number of toes still uncertain, but we're not too worried about it. :)  (5 fingers on both hands confirmed.)

The next 6 weeks are going to be busy, but if we could just fast forward to March or so, I think both Joe and I would be okay with that.

Olivia's a big sister...

Olivia is a big sister, and she's going to be watching over her little....

 

BROTHER! 

The ultrasound tech, whom I was not really that impressed with (we cheated and went to an elective ultrasound place, so it was not a medical person although all of the techs are real certified techs) got a slightly alarming picture of his foot:

 

I counted 8 toes and Joe counted 6. We're both pretty sure that it was just because he was moving and the tech seemed more interested in getting us out of there as quickly as she could and not so much trying to get good pictures...or maybe she just wasn't that good. Either way, I think the pictures from 3 weeks ago http://butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/2010/11/rainbow-13-4-ultrasound-and-doctor.html are almost better than these, but maybe I'm spoiled with fantastic ultrasound techs at the high risk center.

 Now grow baby grow!

Rainbow, 13+ 4 ultrasound and doctor

I had a panic attack at my OB appointment on Monday (13 wks exactly), while the nurse was taking my blood pressure. I don't know what exactly freaked me out, just everything. Luckily my blood pressure was still not ridiculously bad even considering the panic attack. The doctor was very pleased with my blood pressures so far, (I still don't get why, they were NEVER high with Olivia, even when I was at my sickest in the hospital- but she still calls it pre-eclampsia too and technically by definition it wasn't, it was just HELLP.)

She gave me the lab slip to get the AFP bloodwork (also known as the "quad screen") at 16 weeks, and when I talked about what kind of monitoring they'll be doing once I'm 20+ weeks, she said that it would be a lot more and reminded me that I can come in every day that I want, even every day if I need it. She found the baby's heartbeat right away and we heard him/her moving around. She's having me meet her new partner at my next appointment. My doctor has stopped doing on call with other practices, so I'll either see her or her partner in the hospital for sure. I'm not sure if I should take that as a sign that my doctor doesn't expect me to make it very far again or she's just getting it out of the way now. The first time she wasn't concerned about me meeting her partner until 30ish weeks and I ended up meeting her in the hospital and delivering at 23. This time I'll be meeting the partner at 18 weeks. She also told me that she wants me to go through all of my first pregnancy with the partner, even though it's in my charts and records, that it will be good for her to hear it. So, that should take awhile and will be a very fun time (this will be about the 5th time I've rehashed it to doctors who have all of my records in the past 4 months or so.)

On Friday, when I was 13 wks and 4 days, we had an ultrasound with the high risk perinatal center.It was a different tech from the first time, so I guess they actually have two ultrasound techs. The baby was measuring AHEAD, by up to 4 days! His/her heart rate was 150. Even the ultrasound tech commented that the baby was being ridiculously cute, upside down, right side up, little elbows and hands and legs flying everywhere. (They probably say that to everyone, but she didn't say it like "oh your fetusbaby is so cute"...it was when baby was being all crazy she said, "OH! That's so cute!") The doctor thought everything looked great (not mine but one of the high risk people who keep a live watch on all of the ultrasounds that are happening- different doctors are on "ultrasound duty" on different days.) She printed us like 10 good pictures, and here they are:

(In this one rainbow has their arm in front of their face, the tech thought trying to suck his/her thumb.)

This one you may recognize from the blog header, it's the same picture of rainbow, with a pretty decent outline of rainbow's profile and you can see his/her arm on the side of their body (the part that's more white), and clearly the walls of my uterus make a lovely footrest. Can't wait to start feeling all of those kicks!

Another profile shot, rainbow has his/her arm up and hand flexed towards himself/herself.


According to "nub theory", baby is looking girlish, but ultrasound tech wouldn't even take a guess, so we won't start buying pink just yet.

Baby has clearly had enough of the paparazzi-like ultrasound techs. Hand is up in front of his/her face, as if shooing away the camera, with his/her little elbow sticking up.
 (Don't worry, baby's head is still there, just not apparent in this shot.)





Ultrasounds are a lot more fun when baby has obvious body parts rather than just a blob or shrimp. Hopefully our next few ultrasounds are this good! (Olivia started falling behind in growth about 17-19 weeks and then a lot more significantly by 22 weeks, so if this baby just stays on track through 23 or 24 weeks, that will be a very good sign, even if I do ultimately get sick again, if we can push back when things start going bad back by a few more weeks, this baby will have a decent chance.)

Rainbow, 9 weeks ultrasound

Luckily there is a Perinatal Center a couple of minutes away from my house. It's a lot faster to get to, and there are a lot less people waiting, then at the Perinatal Center at the hospital, so it works out well. (I still have to go to the hospital for MFM appointments though.) The only downside is that there isn't a doctor on-site there, but they have doctors watching the pictures because they all go to the main Perinatal center where there's a doctor on duty all the time.

I really liked the ultrasound tech today. She had actually read my chart so she didn't ask me "is this your first pregnancy?" and "why are you here?" and crap like that. But she also didn't pretend like it never happened, she told me she was sorry we lost our daughter and was asking me what the HELLP pain felt like. I really appreciated it. This center only has 2 techs, and since I'm going back every 4 weeks and then more often later, I'll definitely be seeing her again.

The tech was excited to consider this the "first baby picture" even though it's hardly the first, so I didn't tell her otherwise. The baby was measuring exactly on track, and one day ahead on measurements! Joe and I call this the "shrimp" stage, because the baby looks rather similar to a shrimp.

This is the best "baby-like" picture of the bunch, I think:

And a very shrimp-looking picture:

And one more:

The baby's heart rate was 153 beats per minute.

Rainbow, 8.5 weeks ultrasound, first doctor visit

Today was my first "regular doctor" (ie. OB/GYN) visit. After a week of lovenox, I was anxious to see how things were going. My doctor made the comment, "If we could just get you to 28 weeks, that would be fantastic!" (Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but I'm kind of hoping to make it 30ish weeks. I don't really think either doctor seriously expects me to make it 36/37 weeks, but to make it in the 30's is sort of my goal. Well, my first goal is to make it out of the first trimester. Then to 24 weeks. Then to 26 weeks. etc. etc.)   She was also really relieved that there was only one baby.

The nurse seriously made me go through my entire medical history and pregnancy with Olivia, all over again, even though I'm using the same doctor so they have more of the details in my records than I know. She at least seemed to sort of realize that Olivia had died, although she "had to ask", she at least didn't smile brightly and say, "Oh you have a one year old!" or something along the lines. And she almost whispered as if saying it softly made it more gentle, "Sorry but I have to ask, did your baby die?" I'm pretty comfortable these days, telling even strangers if they ask how many kids we have, that our daughter died. (Not really the answer they usually expect but that's not my problem, I'm not going to act like she never existed.) So, it's not talking about it that bothers me, although I might get a little teary eyed sometimes, I usually don't anymore. It just seems a little redundant to have to re-hash it over and over again with people that have all of the information in my chart anyway.

I got to skip the bloodwork because I had it done with the MFM the week before, although that really annoyed the nurse and they even called me an hour after my appointment to scold me for not getting it done, when my OB had told me not to do the bloodwork that they'd just get it from the MFM.

The baby is looking gradually more baby and less embryo. The best news is that EVERYTHING MEASURED ON TRACK! (Coincidence or is that lovenox already working?) The baby's heart rate was 176.

Here are the pictures:

 

Rainbow, 7 weeks, first high risk appointment

Today was our first appointment with the high risk doctor (who I will usually try to refer to as the MFM- maternal fetal specialist). Honestly, I went in with the expectation of learning that the baby had died. Surprisingly, my blood pressure was pretty good, especially considering the nurse said, "Oh, so you have a little girl at home?" while taking my blood pressure. (This is the second or third time this has happened, I'm almost used to it, I guess.) I said flatly, "No, she died," while Joe glared daggers at the woman. And I let him, especially considering that this was the same nurse who we went over my entire medical history and pregnancy with Olivia with last year, at our pre-conception consult. Not that I expected her to remember us a year later, but apparently my chart needs a big red "baby died" flag or sticker, for every doctor and dentist I see.

Anyway, the doctor checked out the baby with the roll in ultrasound machine, and we saw the baby/embryo alive and well, heart beating rapidly as it's supposed to be, and she measured the growth and now we are only 3 days behind, so that was a little more reassuring. (The doctor is not worried at all about the growth. Since I was seeing a fertility doctor, we are sure of my due date so they won't change that even if the baby measures behind throughout the pregnancy.) Here's the pictures:

  

And they taught me how to do the lovenox shots, which will be 2 times a day, and I have to inject them in my stomach. (Which really really burns.) They took about 7 vials of blood, for all of the regular prenatal labs, plus baselines of my liver enzymes and platelets so they know what we are starting at for pregnancy, and a baseline 24 hour urine.

So far, everything looks okay.

Rainbow, 6 weeks + 3 days, we have a heartbeat!

Today was our first ultrasound at the Perinatal Center. The point of having an ultrasound this early was to confirm there was still a viable pregnancy and heartbeat, so that I could start lovenox injections soon after.

This is what we saw:

 

The embryo's heart rate (not looking much like a "baby" just yet) measured  in at 118 beats per minute, which they promised was good. However, the baby was measuring 4 days behind, so I immediately panicked and started expecting everything to go wrong, again, while Joe thought I was nuts.

Rainbow baby- 5 weeks

There's not much to see this early, but here it is:

which started as this at around 2 am on September 10, 2010...

My early HCG numbers were a little high, pretty early, with a very fast doubling rate, so my doctors were pretty worried about multiples initially. We were pretty relieved to see just one gestational sac.

Joe was still sleeping when I took the pregnancy test and found out. I told him the news by giving him a onesie that says, "I love my daddy". We are both very excited, and very worried!