Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's day 2011

Holidays are still as weird as ever.

Mother's day was pretty much a blur this year, just trying to survive and get a handle on things, but now we are settled and it's not blurry, so technically this wasn't the first holiday with our rainbow boy, but for all intensive purposes, it felt like it.

Joe had to work today, so I sent him a happy father's day email, and this afternoon found us in kmart looking at cards and trying to figure out presents before he got home. I ended up getting him a card from me and a card from the baby (I've given him a card from the dogs before Olivia). It definitely struck me, how much easier it is to do something like that. I think part of it is time and part of it is Lucas, last year there was no way I could have looked at father's day cards in the middle of a store without breaking down...this was bittersweet.  I imagine all the holidays will be. It's so nice to have Lucas to focus on, last year was all sadness and grief and what-should-have-been's, this year there's so much more with the sadness, but then there's still guilt for not being as sad, too. It's just a weird disconcerting mix.

Another thing throwing me off is our vacation in two weeks. It's at a family resort place a couple of hours away off the river, we've been going there with my extended family almost every year since I was preschoolish age. The last time we went there I was-towards the end of first trimester pregnant with Olivia. My days were spent napping, reading, lounging around while eagerly anticipating how fun the next summer would be with our baby. We didn't know the baby was a girl yet, but somehow in hindsight my plans were all for Olivia. Last year we didn't go, the thought of it was unbearable, plus Joe had a new job and I was in the midst of fertility treatments. This year we are going, and with a baby, but still, not how it's supposed to be...this year should have been with a toddler and baby and maybe we would have been so overwhelmed with two kids under 2 that we would have skipped it. And, there aren't many people left we know who don't know what happened (or never knew I was pregnant anyway), but over the years, we usually end up there the same week as the same other families and got to know them fairly well, there was so much talk about my pregnancy and babies and plans for the next year with them. So I'm wondering if they'll be there...will they remember I was pregnant 2 years ago and wonder what happened, will they ask my parents, will they forget her,too. and a million other thoughts.  Anyway, it's complicated, still.   I'm glad we won't be staying in the same cottage as we did two years ago, at least.I'm nervous about how it's going to go with the baby since the meals are at set times and he eats randomly and often and I'm not comfortable nursing in public- luckily he takes bottles just fine but I think it's going to be a lot more work than relaxing. We've debated not going, going for the full week, and settled on going for 3 nights. I'm still not sure about it, hopefully it will be easier than I expect.

Anyway, besides all of the conflicted emotions and missing our little girl as always, we are fantastic. Lucas has gotten to where he'll sleep from 9/10 until around 3. When he's finally changed and finished eating by 4-5, he's ready to party like a rockstar, staring at me with his big blue eyes wide open and ready to play, so he's still kicking my butt in the mornings a bit, but also I love every second of it and wouldn't change it for the world. He still eats a lot but everyone was right, it does get easier, MUCH easier, although I had a bout with mastitis which wasn't so fun (complete with fever, chills, weak, etc), luckily it coincided with Joe's days off so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  He'll be 2 months old on Wed which makes me sad, he's getting so big and growing up so fast, but also so excited for the milestones ahead.


Brooke said...

I love your honesty about the mixed emotions. How to be happy and sad, or what happiness feels like with sadness always a little bit behind it, or how amazing it is when you know the sadness is there, but it doesn't taint the happiness, it just kind of informs it in some way. And yes, the family vacation will be complicated. I hope Lucas enjoys himself and maybe you'll even find yourself with some happy memories of Olivia being there too?

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