September

This year will be the first September in two years I won't be pregnant (uh, pretty sure.)  Last year, September was my first month pregnant with Lucas, and the year before, it was the last month of my pregnancy with Olivia. Even though we were elated to be pregnant after trying for so long, my first month pregnant with Lucas was pretty rough emotionally. It didn't help that it is Olivia's birthday month. I was petrified that I was going to lose another baby in September, so I mostly held my breath and expected a miscarriage every other second or so. And the year before, everything went wrong in September. The entire month was one problem after another, first the quad screen, then her growth, then the pain, and then it all blew up and was over.

I'm still not much of a fan of September. We have to decide what to do, or not do, for Olivia's birthday.

I know a lot of babyloss moms like the term "angelversary", so I occassionally use it if I'm talking to another babyloss mom who I think prefers the term, (and I'm not offended or annoyed when someone else says it), but I honestly really hate that term. It just seems like a much too cutesy/happy/nice way to describe something that still really sucks. Like, oh, it's okay that she died because now she's an angel. Screw that. It's not okay that she died. It will never ever be okay.

This month is just rough, emotionally. I've spent the last few months dreading it. But here it is. In most ways, it's so much better than last year,  as I'm holding this 4.5 month old blondish brownish haired blue eyed baby boy peaking up at me from his nap and probably wondering what the heck is wrong with mommy. He gives me a big sleepy smile and drifts back off to sleep. He is big (95%ile for height at 27" and 92%ile for weight at 17 lbs 10 oz) and healthy and perfect and the light of our lives. But it's complicated this year, I almost feel guilty for being sad and still grieving, though I know it's normal. We are so lucky to have him, but damnit, on the other side of the coin, it still freaking sucks that Olivia is not here. I tend to dwell mostly on the "we are so lucky" side, because its easier, but sometimes it's impossible not to still be sad, too.