Not so reassuring. (29+5 weeks though!)

This week has been a bit more eventful than I would have liked.

On Tuesday, Luke had another crappy nonstress test, complete with two big variable decelerations and two smaller ones. But then he went on to pass the biophysical profile/ultrasound with good movement, muscle tone, practiced breathing, and good fluid levels, so they patted my back, muttered something about it maybe being the cord for his nonstress test, and sent me on my way.

On Wednesday, I saw my high risk doctor. She agreed to give me steroids at 31 weeks and ordered them at the pharmacy so I actually have the medicine right now, I'm supposed to bring it to my next appointment so the nurses can give me the shots. (Honestly, between fertility treatments and lovenox, I've given myself enough injections and Joe's given me injections that I figure we could probably manage it on our own. But that's fine by me.) When I brought up the NST's and asked about the cord, she said, "Honestly, it could be because the cord is in his way and getting pushed/compressed sometimes or it could be wrapped around him." Then she hastily added that they won't deliver for it, unless there are other signs of issues or distress. I kind of understand that, but it doesn't mean I like it. I don't want a 29-30 weeker unnecessarily, but I'd take that over having a stillborn baby any freaking day. They weren't all that worried about how things were going with Olivia (or at least they weren't *acting* worried), until it was too far downhill and too late to save her. This all feels a bit deja vu. Different symptoms and issues, but I'm petrified that we are headed towards the same bad ending.

Everything else seems to be going okay, I think pre-eclampsia might be on the way in within a few more weeks. My heartburn is back. My blood pressure is randomly suspiciously higher than normal for me. (And a couple weeks ago even when I was really stressed about the first bad NST, my blood pressure was still really good.) Joe thinks my face and hands are looking a bit puffier and my mom thought so too maybe (but I haven't gained weight which would indicate swelling). And I wake up every morning with both of my hands numb, which my high risk doctor said is definitely swelling and "she's watching". At this point, pre-eclampsia (especially in another couple weeks if these NST's don't get better) would be okay with me, because I know my doctors aren't going to wait around watching and seeing how bad it gets for very long (especially with a big baby whose already had steroids) before just delivering. And at this point, I just want him safely out on the outside. I wish we could keep him in utero up till 36 weeks, but right now, I like the risks of him staying in a lot less than the risks for 30 weekers. (Obviously my doctors don't feel the same way. So short of me going into labor, getting suddenly sick very quickly, or the baby actually showing signs of distress or worse, it looks like he's staying put until something else changes or until Joe learns how to perform a c-section. I'll pass on the amateur home c-section.) Also, they aren't interested in doing a blood flow study because the baby's growth is good and my blood pressure as of Wednesday was normal, so they don't think it's related.

Friday's monitoring was more of the same. He passed everything with the biophysical profile (though it took every second of those 30 minutes before he finally decided to breath for a full 30 seconds, in the meantime put on a show wiggling and moving around rather than breathing, or he'd take two breaths for 5 seconds and then stop and move.) Then we did the nonstress test and this time he had 3 variable decelerations but reasonably okay accelerations. With the decelerations, his heart rate dropped to 110 for about 20 seconds (I think that's how many seconds, I haven't figured out how to tell seconds/minutes on the test strip yet, but it was looking like a u, staying lower for longer before bouncing back up, rather than a v), while his baseline was at 140 beats per minute. Because of the variable decelerations, they deemed it another bad NST, but since he passed the biophysical profile and otherwise showed no signs of distress, sent me on my way. In the meantime, their advice was to keep an eye on my blood sugar and to make sure I feel movement. So extremely helpful.

I found a different place that does 3d/4d ultrasounds and they have a Monday "quick peak" special. I'm doing that on Monday because I want to have a good look at where this cord is and what's going on with it. Getting to see the baby in 3d/4d early doesn't hurt, either. We're still going to do a longer 3d/4d ultrasound at my ob's office at the end of March, but that's forever away, and I'm hoping that it *might* give me a little extra peace of mind. I'm prepared that it might totally backfire if we see the cord around his neck or something, but I think I'd rather know than not, even if that is causing it. (And I know that a lot of babies are born with cords around their necks and are just fine. I'm a little too used to ending up on the crappy side of statistics, though.) And I'm aware that the cord could be around him sometimes and sometimes not, so seeing it or not seeing it Monday doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm always up for another ultrasound, though, and it's been forever since we've gotten good pictures of him. (Plus, in the back of my mind, I think, if this baby dies too, I'll forever regret not doing this.) And! Considering he's probably definitely over 4 lbs now and likely headed towards the 5 lb mark, by the time we do the regular length 3d/4d ultrasound, it might not be as great quality because he'll have a lot less room in a couple weeks. Joe just sighs and goes along with it.

The crib mattress has arrived. I haven't decided if we're keeping it because I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the way it fits in the crib, I can almost fit 2 fingers, though I'm convinced there's no way the baby could fit his head in between the crib frame and mattress and when he's little he won't be sleeping in the crib anyway, so that's probably okay. But I'm not sure that I'm happy with the firmness of it, either. "Firm mattress" to me means slightly less firm than sleeping on the floor, so I'm not sure any mattress would fit that bill. I bought it from Amazon and I have a year to return it for free, (we kept the plastic on it) so I'm thinking it over. It is sort of organic (a lot of mattresses that call themselves organic aren't really, I went with something I thought I could live with. It does have some of the fire proofing chemicals-namely boric acid- but at least no PVC/vinyl.) And I figure if we splurge on a truly organic mattress cover, that will matter less.

And the stroller is here and assembled too. And not to mention about 10 cases of diapers of all sizes. I was excited about all of the stuff, now, it's a bit harder to get excited because all of the stuff is a gigantic reminder of how much we have to lose...again. I thought I was kind of over that but apparently not so much. Instead of being like, "Hooray, I love this stroller", it's more like, "God, I really really hope we get to use this stroller." It suddenly feels like I'm 21 or 22 weeks pregnant again and holding my breath to see what happens next and hoping that it will turn out okay this time.

On the brighter side, I'm looking forward to getting a sneak peek at the baby on Monday, when I'll be 30 weeks. And we're down to just almost 6 weeks or less to go. (Although if the next 6 weeks go like this past week has been, I may make Charlie Sheen look mentally stable in comparison by the time we deliver.)

"Reassuring for gestational age" and BPP pass!

I still brace myself for bad news for almost every appointment. It was especially bad in the first trimester. After everything went so horribly wrong with Olivia, I had no expectation that it would go right this time and I didn't dare get my hopes up. I think I googled the miscarriage stats by week like every day. It was insane. I don't know how Joe put up with me. Every ultrasound, I held my breath until it was clear the baby was still alive. Even now, when they are looking for a heartbeat, I tense a little, even if I just felt him kick me moments before.

When I sat down in the comfy recliner for our NST today, I pretty much told her that the baby was probably not going to do very well. Even though I'd just drank a soda about a half hour before, he wasn't very active. It wasn't "I'm worried he's not active" because I'd still feel him moving every once in awhile, it was just he wasn't doing 10 movements in 5 minutes like he'd been doing earlier at 6 am. Much to my surprise, he did pretty well, after a slow first 5-10 minutes or so, he perked up. Best of all, there were no dips/drops/variables or whatever you want to call them. He had several 10 beat per minute lasting 10 second accelerations (which is the 28 weeker standard), and once a 15 beat per minute acceleration but I don't think it lasted long enough or whatever, for her to give him a "reactive" test since they have to go by the 15 x 15 standard. (She said it's like giving a 3rd grader a 5th grader test.) Instead of calling it nonreactive, she labeled it "reassuring for gestational age. "

Luke was especially good for the biophysical profile today. He got the movement and tone points quickly, my fluid levels are good, and then he even practiced breathing for longer than 30 seconds. I asked her if practicing breathing has anything to do with lung maturity, apparently it doesn't, it's just one of those things they start figuring out how to do around this time, but they don't actually *have* to breathe to be okay whilst in utero, they can be lazy and let their moms breathe for them. And it doesn't really have any influence on lung maturity.

Joe put Luke's dresser and crib together today which freaks me out and makes me excited at the same time. The dresser turned out much, much, better than I expected. We got a really good deal on a regular dresser at Big Lots, I just happened to see an ad one day and we got lucky with it, it was their last one left. I worried that it might be a little too short to use as a changing table but it turned out it's the perfect height and it matches the crib better than I expected too. So now we need to settle on wall decals (we're going to do a giant mural with them) and accessories and a mattress. (I'm picky about mattresses but am not too crazy about the prices for organic ones so I'm still deciding on a decent compromise.) But anyway, the room is coming along pretty nicely and I'll have pictures soon.

Guess what I did?

So, in a moment of total bravery or maybe insanity or optimism or whatever you want to call it, today I went to Babies R Us with my mom for the bazillionth time.

Babies R Us is having a "trade in" sales event so you bring in an old carseat/stroller/playpen/high chair/etc. and they give you a coupon for 25% off any of those items new. I had initially thought that this meant you bring in a carseat, you get 25% off a new carseat, etc. which is still not a bad deal. (I contemplated maybe trying to find a piece of crap crib somewhere to trade in even though I have a 20% off coupon, Joe said no way is he hauling a crappy crib in there just for an extra 5% off.) Someone on Freecycle gave me their old carseat to trade in, and so I was able to bring that in and they gave me a coupon for 25% off anything in those categories, it didn't have to be a carseat.

So, I went and ordered the crib with it. (And now I still have a 20% off coupon I can use for the carseat.)

My mom was with me when I ordered Olivia's crib, too. (After a ridiculous number of trips to Babies R Us and everywhere else that sells cribs, not to mention hours of reading review books and reviews online.) I think I was right about 18 or 19 weeks when I ordered her crib last time. It was brand new and when I put the order in they said it would be about 2-3 weeks, which was fine. And then the week before everything went to hell, they called me at school- well on my cell phone and I remember sitting at my desk calling them back on my plan period or after school- and told me it would be 2 or 3 more weeks because the warehouse was out of them too, blah blah blah. I told them that was fine and was relieved we didn't have to deal with it yet because by that point every week was more bad news. And then the next week we lost Olivia, and I think the day I was released from the hospital I called and had them cancel it. (I did NOT want to risk a phone call telling me it was in so it was one of the first places I called.)

So anyway, this time we decided to get the same crib. It's now been out awhile and has almost all good reviews online. And I like the idea of Lucas having the same crib that Olivia would have had. I expected it to take somewhere between 2-6 for it to come in because that's what happened the first time, but to my surprise (and a little bit to my dismay), he said,  "I think we have one in the back". I crossed my fingers that they *didn't* have one in the back because I'd feel a lot better about getting it in 2-6 weeks. No such luck. There really was one in the back. They are letting us do a "delayed pick up" in the next few days.

I've decided that instead of freaking out about having the baby crib already, I'm mostly trying to take it as a good sign. Like Olivia's crib wasn't in stock and never came home with us just like she never came home with us, and Lucas's crib is there and ready to go, like he will be when he comes at the end of April (86 days or so). Otherwise, it's going to freak me out. It will be SEVERAL more weeks before we actually take the crib out of the box and Joe puts it together. Partially because the baby room has a twin bed and some stuff that needs to go in the office, and the office is a crowded mess of random stuff and so that's going to take some time. And partially because I'm not quite ready to see a baby crib up and ready to go in our house yet. I think that would be a good way to celebrate the "I'm 28 weeks" milestone.

I was planning to start my registry today but after the crib ordering did not go the way I expected, I was a little overwhelmed already, and Babies R Us is just overwhelming in general. Plus, there were like 8 people at the registry counter and only one person working. So I'll maybe start that sometime next week.



Here's the crib we ordered, (I like it especially because it's low to the ground and I'm short), we've decided not to get the dresser that comes with it, so next week we'll probably start looking for a dresser too. (I want something low enough that we can plop a changing pad on and use as a changing table, all of the ones at the baby store only have 3 dressers and a cabinet, I don't want/need a cabinet, I'd rather have extra drawers.)

Anyway, today is 24+3 and everything is still well. I'm going to hopefully venture out tomorrow for my gestational diabetes test. I just hope the lovely orange drink doesn't make me throw up.