One month, already?

This past week marked one month for Lucas. Technically, since he was born on a Wednesday, Wednesday was the one month mark. But Joe is trying to say that since he was born on the 27th, yesterday, May 27th, is the one month mark. Whatever day we use, he's a month old now.

His eyes are still blue but I googled it and apparently if they change, it's usually around month 6-9 so I guess that doesn't mean anything. His hair hasn't gotten any darker (yet?) either. After a bath, it sticks up a little on his head like peach fuzz.

He's sleeping pretty good, albeit, on my chest. We are up at either 10 or 11, 12 or 1, 3 or 4, and 5 or 6. Every once in awhile he'll sleep from 12 to 4:45, (or tonight we took a 'nap' at 10 and made it till 1) which almost feels like a full night of sleep when it happens. It took a week or two to get used to this, but now I'm pretty much programmed into the schedule anyway so I don't really care if he sleeps through the night anytime soon as long as I get some sleep in between feedings.

 I'm really not in a hurry to move him off my chest to sleep but I suppose it's not really a great idea to get him programmed into sleeping on his stomach, (probably too late) so we'll probably start working on making the move back to the bassinet this week. (The thing is, I'm as paranoid as ever, so I like him being asleep on my chest because I can feel him breathing without even opening my eyes. The move to the bassinet, even with him right beside me, is going to require a breathing monitor for sure or I'll never sleep.) When I was pregnant, I thought I wouldn't worry that much about SIDS because statistically a baby is 7x more likely to be stillborn than die of SIDS. It turns out, having a baby die makes you paranoid about everything, period. And I probably would have been paranoid anyway, but not as paranoid, considering I worked in daycare for years and it never even occurred to me that I might lay a baby down and go back later to find them not breathing (and it never happened), but now, I know it actually is a possibility. That being said, it's a lot easier to hold his warm healthy body close and relax, than listening to his heartbeat on the doppler when he was still inside me. Still, I find myself praying at least once a day please let him stay.

Feeding is going a lot better. There are times when he eats for 15-20-30 minutes and then is good for a couple hours, then there are times when he wants to eat for 2 hours straight it seems like. Luckily, the middle of the night feedings have went from taking an hour to about 10-15 minutes, so that makes the long feedings (usually during the middle of the day and early evening) easier. He's growing well and I'm not especially worried about it, it just makes it tough to get anything done, but I'm pretty content hanging out on the couch with the baby all day (though quick outings mixed in are nice too, I have been getting a little stir crazy this week). We're estimating his weight at around 9.5 lbs and he's getting too long for a lot of his newborn sleepers and footed outfits, they still fit around his waist but he can't stretch his legs out in them-see pics below, we love the giraffe outfit but he can't stretch his legs out all the way anymore in it. And he doesn't quite fit in most of the 0-3 month sleepers yet and extra fabric around his face= way too paranoid mommy. Luckily, we have some gown sleepers that work pretty well, except Joe keeps saying, "let's pull up your dress" when changing his diaper, etc. , poor kid. (And Joe changes way more diapers than I ever anticipated that he'd change, basically, if he's home, he'll do it without really complaining, which is really nice.) I suddenly like Joe being off more than I ever have before because he really does help a lot, too bad those days are too few.

 We've moved on the size 1 diapers, some brands(Target) are still too big even though they say 8-14 lbs, but other brands with the same weight (Pampers) fit perfectly. We ran out of newborn diapers and I didn't want to buy more at that size not knowing how much longer he'll be fitting in them, since the size sort of overlaps with size 1. I'm not ready to start transitioning to cloth diapers anytime soon, we're still easily changing him 15ish times a day and he's eating too often and for too long for me to be willing to take it on just yet, but I'm hoping maybe by the end of the two month mark I'll figure out what kind of cloth diapers I want to use and start getting and using them at least some of the time.

His head control is definitely get stronger still, he's awake (luckily mostly during the day) for longer, still not smiling or laughing all that much but he definitely spends more time looking around. He still screams his face off for diaper changes and i'm considering buying a wipes warmer, which I always thought was a waste of money and unnecessary (and a fire hazard) before but the way he hates diaper changes I'm thinking it might make it better. So I'm keeping an eye on craigslist. The dogs still mostly avoid him though occassionally one of them will come up and smell his feet or blanket or whatever, and every once in awhile they'll lay near where he is crying.

We did one month pictures at Babies R us yesterday (mainly because I had a coupon), he was ridiculously cooperative considering he was due to eat and how much we messed with him while he was sleeping, changing his outfit and putting him in a bunch of different poses. The pictures turned out pretty good, so I'll leave on that note with them below, and I have a special Olivia blog post coming soon, hopefully tomorrow.

3 weeks of awesomeness..and..not so much sleep and pictures

I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks, yesterday, since Lucas was born. He's awake a little bit more these days but still not a lot. Yesterday we both heard him laugh for the first time (and it's a good thing Joe was there for it or I would have had to pretend it didn't happen because he would have been devastated to miss it.) He's eating better, sleeping is iffy. He's holding his head up pretty amazingly well for a 3 week old, but he's spent a lot of time on his belly on our chests. He's still wearing newborn clothes and diapers, and a lot of his clothes that is supposedly newborn size is still big, so I don't see him moving up a size anytime soon.

Last Monday we trekked to the ob's office on Monday for my incision check. (I know I really had a c-section but this recovery has been ridiculously easy, I wasn't even taking tylenol by the last couple days in the hospital.) I was nervous about taking him out by myself but he mostly slept and was easy. Last Tuesday we went to his doctor for a weight check, he weighed in at 7lbs 5 ounces, which is great. And then Thursday we went to brunch with my friend Jackie and her rainbow baby Zackary. This week we've laid low at home, mostly because while eating has gotten better especially the last couple of days, we aren't quite there on sleeping at night. One day this week...I think maybe Monday...I looked at the clock as I was attempting to go to bed for the first time with him finally asleep and content and it was 5 am. Last night was better, I managed to get in bed for an hour at 2 am. It's a bit difficult, but I'm loving every minute of this anyway.  (Said baby is currently curled up on my chest which is the best way to get him to sleep.)

Breastfeeding has been...interesting. I was leaning strongly towards just pumping and giving him bottles of breastmilk because it was so frustrating and exhausting and not going so great. But we've been working on it this week and I think we've finally actually resolved the issues we've been having.  I'm pretty encouraged that we have the hang of it now and hope it continues. And a bonus, I have an oversupply, so we already have a freezer full of milk,which just relaxes me more knowing that I don't have to worry about not having enough to feed him anytime soon. Keeping up with his appetite has been a little rough, not that I don't have enough milk, just mentally, it still seems like he eats all day and night nonstop. Spend an hour feeding him and an hour later he wants to eat again, that sort of thing. Hopefully with our issues resolved and him getting older and eating better, it will get better too. We'll see.

Emotionally, it's weird. I'm happier than I've been in a very very long time. There is definitely some healing that comes with no longer being in that awkward horrible [living]childless mother stage. But the awkwardness and missing our baby girl is always there, too. Monday was the anniversary of the day that I had my positive pregnancy test with Olivia, it didn't escape us, how much we've been through in the last two years. And little things, like the nurse practitioner for my incision check asking how our daughter is doing with the baby (seriously! We just went over that when I was 30ish weeks pregnant and she asked if I'd breastfed her.) Apparently she keeps remembering that we have a daughter but keeps inconveniently forgetting that she died. Then again, I guess I'd rather Olivia be brought up like that, even as sucky as that is, then ignored as if she was never here at all. Anyway, there are no magic bandaids in the form of rainbow babies. We adore our little boy and wouldn't trade him for anything, but our baby girl is still gone, and that will always suck and there will always be someone missing no matter how many babies we have. I think of her now as much as ever. We won't just pretend like it's all better now that we have Lucas, they don't cancel each other out. And we won't pretend like she was never here now that we have a living baby. What we will do, is remember her like we always have been, and be incredibly grateful for her little brother, because we have an appreciation for him that wouldn't have been quite the same if she were here too.
Our first stop on the way home from the hospital.

Going home outfit.

A few days old.

This is how I get sleep.

3 weeks old!

`Koda still isn't sure what to think, he keeps his distance but is curious. (Rogue just keeps her distance.)

That's all for now.

Hospital pics

You can't really read it in this pic but his outfit says "thank heaven for little boys".

Even though Lucas is a week old already, we are still pretty much obsessed with him. We are probably creating a monster because the only time we set him down is to change his diaper or clothes. Otherwise, either Joe is holding him or I'm holding him or someone else is holding him. (And we set him down at night.I have slept with him on my chest a few nights but I'm trying to stick with keeping him in his bassinet.) I know this is probably going to bite us (me!) in the butt later, but right now, I don't really care. After losing Olivia, months of fertility treatments, then 300+ lovenox shots, a million doctor appointments, and months and months of expecting everything to go wrong at any moment, I refuse to feel bad about holding my baby as much as I can. He won't be this little for long. And while I'm more relaxed then I can remember being in a very long time, we know all too well that there are no guarantees. So anyway, between holding the baby, feeding the baby, pumping after almost every feeding, and changing him, we're pretty sleep deprived and exhausted and blissfully happy and overwhelmingly sad at times too. Our grief is different now. On one hand, we are so blessed and grateful and even a little bit healed in ways I can't really explain.

 But. We see so much Olivia in him and not having her here and living all the things we missed out on with her (even just leaving the hospital this time holding a baby) is really hard. Our hearts are full of love and happiness for our new little guy, but in some ways this makes the hole and everything we are missing hurt as much as ever.

Here at last!

Luke arrived at 4:54 am on the 27th, 7 lbs, 4 ounces and 20 inches long. Blond hair and blue eyes (for now?) And perfect!

(So much for my scheduled 9:45 c-section, more on that another time!)

Here he is:

So, this is it!

I was pretty anxious about the amnio today. Not because of the risks really. And not because of the needle in my belly thing. (After 300+ lovenox injections, I'm kinda over that.) But because this kid has kept us on our toes this whole pregnancy, I kinda figured he'd be in the 5% not ready yet. (My OB assured me yesterday that there was a 95% chance he'd be ready.)

He really was! It wasn't too horrible. I was a little nervous when they told me not to close my eyes, not to hold my breath, not to tense up. (And they had me put my hands behind my head so I wasn't even holding Joe's hand.) I kept my eye on the ultrasound monitor to see what the baby was doing and how far they were from him. I was a little nervous on the way there because without really thinking about it I drank a Diet Dr.Pepper, and he was pretty awake and active as we were driving and waiting in the waiting room. Luckily, when we were in there he settled down and when the needle was in he stayed far away from it. It didn't hurt anymore than lovenox, the only sucky part was that I didn't realize they'd keep the needle in for a full entire minute or so, to get enough fluid. I also didn't realize they took an entire vial full of fluid, for some reason I thought they just took a tiny bit. I had to remind myself to keep breathing. I actually ended up with my third choice doctor doing it, but he was actually nice and funny. He counted down while the needle was in, "1/3 done, 1/2 done...." And then it was over. They sent me to be monitored and OF COURSE our little trickster decided it was naptime so they weren't really concerned about him but he wasn't really active enough so we ended up staying on the monitor for quite awhile. But I said to Joe, "I don't care if they keep us here all day as long as I can hear his heart beating and know he's okay." He perked up after awhile and was nice and active with a good test strip, so they let us go.

They told us that they either do one or two tests with the fluid. The first test only takes about an hour to come back, but it's pretty picky and a lot of times will say lungs are immature when they really are mature. So if that test came back mature, they wouldn't bother with the second one and we could proceed with plans for delivery tomorrow. If that test came back immature, they'd do the second test, which takes about 4 hours. The nurse told me she'd call me after the 1 hour test results were back so we knew the status either way. If his lungs were mature, we had to go back to the hospital to do all of the pre-op paperwork, bloodwork, and talk to the anesthesiologist. If not, wait 4 hours and then maybe go to the hospital.

The cemetery where Olivia is buried is only about 15 minutes from the hospital but 45 or so minutes from our house, so we had already planned to go there today and this worked out perfectly as something to do while we waited for the first results. Coincidentally, while we were driving to the cemetery, the newish song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" came on (I'm not sure how new it is but a couple of days ago was the first time I heard it. Today was the first time Joe heard it, too.)  Last night we went to dinner at Applebees, and there was a toddler little girl in the booth across from us, sitting behind their booth was a couple with a 2 month old. The toddler girl was infatuated with the baby and new mom was really nice, even letting this random toddler touch her baby's head. Anyway, it was really cute, but also very bittersweet, I kept thinking that we should have a toddler infatuated with her little brother very soon. So when we were at Olivia's grave, I was standing there thinking how excited she would be to meet her baby. And then seemingly out of nowhere, a butterfly fluttered right in front of her grave so we couldn't miss it. We go to the cemetery at least monthly. We've seen lots of deer and squirrels and stuff like that, but I've never seen a butterfly there. Some of my baby loss mom friends are big believers that when they see a butterfly, it's a sign from their baby that they are okay and with them in spirit, sort of thing. I've never really thought much about it either way. But the timing of that butterfly, right at that moment when I was thinking how excited Olivia should be about her baby brother, there it was. And it was only a few minutes after that that the nurse called to tell us that his lungs are mature and his birthday is tomorrow. That definitely made today even better and just gave me a bit of bittersweet peace.

I'm surprised I haven't freaked out all day about Luke moving or not moving. But he's been pretty fantastic, moving rather steadily every once in awhile so I'm reassured that all is well in there even though they took a big chunk of his fluid. He's been a little quieter (still okay, just not quite as constantly active as usual) the last couple of days so I'm very much appreciating him moving steadily. Yesterday, I started noticing my feet were getting swollen and today they are like 3x the normal size. Even the nurse got a little wide eyed, seeing it. Since we're delivering tomorrow and my blood pressure has been okay (up a little but not really high) and I'm not in pain or anything, it should be okay for now, but I think it's a good thing we're delivering tomorrow besides my mental health. My fingers are crossed that I'm not headed toward postpartum pre-eclampsia.

We finally finished up Luke's room (well, mostly, we haven't put together *everything* since we know he won't be in the jumper or exersaucer for awhile. And we haven't set up the monitors and a few things like that which we won't use immediately yet, either.) But it's 90% done.

 

Anyway, this time tomorrow, he'll be here!

35+4

So, we're probably coming home with a baby this time is starting to sink in. (And I don't think I'll be able to get rid of that probably that's always lingering in the back of my mind until we're putting him in his carseat.) Anyway, it's exciting and overwhelming and oy, we have so much still to do. The good part of that is that the days are flying by. The bad part of that is this "nesting" energy I've heard about is seriously lacking. I just want to sleep.

It still definitely feels very surreal. Random people keep asking me when I'm due (someone must be looking out for me because in the 5 or so times I've been asked when I'm due, no one has asked if this is our first, not this week, at least. That almost makes up for the 6 or so times I had to go over that question and my medical history in the 2 days we had our hospital stints a few weeks ago. Funny how they manage to keep track that I'm allergic to penicillin but we have to talk over that our first baby died and why every single time and with multiple people when I was admitted. Even the wheelchair lady who brought me down for the follow up biophysical asked.)

Anyway, this week was mostly uneventful with a few minor touches of excitement. On Monday we had monitoring and I was apparently having some contractions. But I wasn't feeling them so they weren't worried, though there were 2 in 20 minutes. And on Thursday I didn't have any and Luke did great again. Wednesday was my last (hopefully) high risk appointment for this pregnancy. I say "this pregnancy" because both my high risk doctor and my OB have said how much easier my "next pregnancy" will be. And I'm permanently high risk so even if everything ends up better than they could have expected, I'll still be on lovenox and low dose aspirin and have growth ultrasounds and everything. Although high risk doctor said she'll be a lot more mellow with me next time. I'm not really up for even thinking about a next pregnancy at this point, though.

Last Friday at 34.5 weeks, Luke was measuring in at 6 lbs 11 oz or 6 lbs 6 oz, depending on which u/s tech you believe.  (There was one in training who got the smaller estimate and the real tech who got the bigger estimate.) But they both have a margin of error of a pound at this point, so my guess is he was right at 6 lbs and if he's born as scheduled, he'll be right at 7.5 pounds.

Next week I see my OB on Monday. Tuesday I have the amnio (assuming that labor is not threatening and everything else looks stable), we do that around 9 am and I believe we'll know the results for his lungs by the time we leave, afternoonish. I also believe they keep me most of the day on monitors, just to be sure the baby is still doing okay. (The most serious risk for these late term amnios is that it might break my water, which wouldn't be a big deal, they'd just deliver, and it's extremely rare for even that to happen. I have read a story about a baby moving into the amnio needle and they have a little scar on their foot from it, but they do them at the baby's feet and as far from the baby as possible- plus babies usually generally instinctively stay away from needles in that situation-so it's really really unlikely and not a huge problem other than the poor baby got poked in the foot with a needle. It's scheduled for a time when Luke is pretty mellow.) Anyway, I'm told that it doesn't really hurt anymore than the lovenox injections I've put in my belly for 20+ weeks of this pregnancy, (actually they said it hurts a lot less) so I'm not that worried about that part. I am a little worried that his lungs might not be ready to go yet and then we've done the amnio for nothing because they'll just have me deliver at 37 weeks without a follow up amnio. But both of my doctors are really convinced they'll be ready especially since I had steroid shots. My high risk doctor even said she'd "bet money on it." Since she hasn't been wrong about anything this pregnancy, even when I've worried anyway and she wasn't, I mostly believe that he will be ready to come out. But I try to brace myself for the possibility that it might not turn out that way so I'm not really disappointed just in case he's not ready yet.

But, if everything goes as planned, we are down to just 4 days left until we meet Luke!

34 weeks, nursery in progress pictures

The plan is to pretty much finish decorating the nursery tonight. I still have to wash baby clothes and move all of the baby stuff into the room, but that probably won't happen until next week, we still have a lot to finish up buying and I'm more focused on that than actually organizing the baby room yet (because if I try and then start thinking of the things that I still need to get, it will make me crazy.)

Anyway, this is Monday, @ 34 weeks, I had thought that he had dropped because when he was having hiccups he was so low, but I think he undropped or never dropped at all because I've felt hiccups around my belly button just this morning:

 

And here is Joe battling with the pain in the butt to put up tree (but we are SO GLAD we decided not to paint it). 

And then he finished the tree (sans leaves) and put up the monkey and tiger:

And I started putting up the leaves, except for the ones I couldn't reach.It was thankfully much easier to do than the actual tree.  Joe finished up the leaves at the top last night. We still have a bunch left that we are still deciding what to do with.

 

And then we added Ellie the Elephant next to the tiger (I think we're calling him Timo, I said Joe could name him but I forgot the name.) The crib won't really go there in front of them, Joe pushed it out of the way while we were discussing how we are going to hang the letters.

And here's better pictures of the letters:

   

 

And this is ultimately what the "mural wall" will look like, although we still have to hang the giraffe and the crib will be under the tree and the monkey against the wall, like it is in the first couple of pictures. (The letters will go above it.)

And then on the wall opposite of the crib, above the window, we added the quote "Angels danced the day you were born". I love the animals and everything, but that's one of my favorite parts of the room, our little touch of Olivia in there. It took MANY pictures and experiments for me to finally get the word "angels" pictured (it shows up great in person, but against the light color and with my camera, it was hard to get it to show up.)

 

So tonight, Joe gets to put up the giraffe (I think we're giving her a few leaves) and hang the letters above the crib, and then the walls at least will be done. (We decided not to do a valance for the window, #1 because I couldn't find one that I liked really, #2 because then we'd have to buy a curtain rod too, and I think with everything else, keeping the window simple is a good idea.) 

I can't believe it's already Thursday and next week will hopefully be our last full week of this pregnancy. (More on that later.)