34 weeks, nursery in progress pictures

The plan is to pretty much finish decorating the nursery tonight. I still have to wash baby clothes and move all of the baby stuff into the room, but that probably won't happen until next week, we still have a lot to finish up buying and I'm more focused on that than actually organizing the baby room yet (because if I try and then start thinking of the things that I still need to get, it will make me crazy.)

Anyway, this is Monday, @ 34 weeks, I had thought that he had dropped because when he was having hiccups he was so low, but I think he undropped or never dropped at all because I've felt hiccups around my belly button just this morning:

 

And here is Joe battling with the pain in the butt to put up tree (but we are SO GLAD we decided not to paint it). 

And then he finished the tree (sans leaves) and put up the monkey and tiger:

And I started putting up the leaves, except for the ones I couldn't reach.It was thankfully much easier to do than the actual tree.  Joe finished up the leaves at the top last night. We still have a bunch left that we are still deciding what to do with.

 

And then we added Ellie the Elephant next to the tiger (I think we're calling him Timo, I said Joe could name him but I forgot the name.) The crib won't really go there in front of them, Joe pushed it out of the way while we were discussing how we are going to hang the letters.

And here's better pictures of the letters:

   

 

And this is ultimately what the "mural wall" will look like, although we still have to hang the giraffe and the crib will be under the tree and the monkey against the wall, like it is in the first couple of pictures. (The letters will go above it.)

And then on the wall opposite of the crib, above the window, we added the quote "Angels danced the day you were born". I love the animals and everything, but that's one of my favorite parts of the room, our little touch of Olivia in there. It took MANY pictures and experiments for me to finally get the word "angels" pictured (it shows up great in person, but against the light color and with my camera, it was hard to get it to show up.)

 

So tonight, Joe gets to put up the giraffe (I think we're giving her a few leaves) and hang the letters above the crib, and then the walls at least will be done. (We decided not to do a valance for the window, #1 because I couldn't find one that I liked really, #2 because then we'd have to buy a curtain rod too, and I think with everything else, keeping the window simple is a good idea.) 

I can't believe it's already Thursday and next week will hopefully be our last full week of this pregnancy. (More on that later.)

33 weeks in pictures

My mom's paraprofessional at school painted our memory box for Olivia with the exact pattern from her dress. (It's not faded, that's just from the flash, the letters are wood and glued on top, this is just the top but the entire box is full of the tiny extremely detailed little flowers.):

She also painted these letters for us for Lucas:

We'll hang them above his crib. I love how they turned out and I also really love that we have something "for" both kids painted by her. I could have had someone paint letters from etsy (love that website) or craigslist, but they feel more special this way.

My baby shower was last Sunday (with my cold and all, and thankfully still pregnant). It was very nice, I had a great time and we got a ton of amazing gifts. My cold is still hanging on, though luckily it doesn't much bother me except for my nose is constantly running. (God bless whoever invented tissues with lotion.)

Also, I'm pretty sure that a certain baby has dropped. (They sort of confirmed it at my Tuesday monitoring appointment, but said he'd drop more so I'm not sure. And when they said he'd drop more I was like "really?" and she was like, "well yeah, when you are in labor!" "Um, no, I'm not going into labor."  This was just a nurse, some of them are kind of crappy, I don't think she even bothered to glance over why I was even there at all. Some of them are really good though, it just depends.)  Anyway, this is 31 weeks in the black and gray shirt vs. 33 weeks. (Also, since 31 weeks I've lost 6 pounds, not that I can tell it from here.)

 I'm also behind in posting baby ultrasound pictures, these were done at 32 weeks exactly, luckily there was still enough room to get decent shots, even though he was definitely measuring bigger than a 32 weeker.

Baby feet/legs and arm:

That's just a shadow and not hair (or a hole) on his head...at least I think.

And the picture below, the cord is in front of his face and making his mouth look a bit strange, but if you disregard that, he looks A LOT like my brother Nick and my dad as babies in this picture:

And he has most definitely mastered the art of thumb sucking. At my last two monitoring appointments when they went to check my fluid levels on ultrasound, he's been sucking his thumb both times again. Last time he was even flexing his fingers out and sucking on two fingers. Hopefully we can interest him in a pacifier when he's here, because that will be a much easier habit to break later (I'm a fan of the "throw them away" method, having worked in daycare), than thumbs which you can't really get rid of...

30 weeks (!!!)

I could have done without the 4 or so slushy inches of snow today, first of all, but thankfully it didn't really mess up our plans, though we probably spent a little less time at the cemetery because it was so cold. We plan to go back in a few weeks, though. (It's about 40 minutes away so we try to go monthly at least, but the ultrasound place happened to be about 10 minutes away from it, so it sort of worked out, except for the stupid weather.)

Anyway, I think we've solved the heart rate dropping mystery. Luke was in his favorite position, sort of head down and sort of transverse/horizontal (laying across me), with his feet over his head. That pesky but all important cord was tucked between his face and his legs. I should mention that when they do ultrasounds for the biophysical profile, almost every single time, his legs have been over his head, he usually has the nurse laughing at his antics. So. It's easy to see how/why the cord may be getting compressed. Thanks to his knees being in front of his face and the cord being between them, we didn't really get great pictures. But, it was well worth it for the sneak peak and peace of mind. I'm not totally at ease about it, but I feel a little bit better. If nothing else, it will help me get through *this week* before new drama of some sort starts.

Anyway, here's a couple of the pictures we got:
This is one showing him hugging his knees over his head,

And this one is okay for his face...the girl assured us that his lips aren't actually messed up and they just look a bit odd because of the cord being partially in the way between his legs and face...(and that's his shoulder/arm at the bottom, I'm pretty sure.)

And this is what he looks like from the outside:

Things are moving along relatively okay.  I'm still not so sure that pre-eclampsia isn't on the way, but so far there's nothing alarming and I think I should be able to make it at least a couple more weeks at this rate provided things stay status quo.

I did have a couple of contractions yesterday which is not going to please my doctor at all when I tell her on Thursday. (Even though they clearly weren't, "I'm in labor" contractions, because of the type of incision on my uterus, any contractions really aren't great. I'm not sure how big of a deal they are exactly because we haven't talked about it yet.-I know that labor is definitely bad and they'd deliver immediately emergency-like or try to stop it. But not so sure how bad just plain contractions that aren't really indicative of labor are.- I didn't call yesterday because at first I thought it was bad cramps, and by the time I figured it out around the 3rd one in an hour, I sat down to make sure, and they stopped and haven't started again. So I figured it could wait unless it started again, especially since for my monitoring they put a belt on to monitor contractions too and I have that tomorrow.) So maybe that will be our next drama and maybe not.We'll see. I'd much prefer that kind of drama instead of more crappy nonstress tests or something else, if we must have some sort of drama, which it seems we must. Besides that, I'm kind of shocked at how good I feel physically...no back pain...no rib pain...just some annoying heartburn and numb hands and sometimes dizziness (and bending down is quite annoying, as is getting up, and turning over to my other side in bed.Anything that requires a big shift in position, basically is a bit annoying. I'll take it though!)

30 weeks is a really good place to be, drama or not, it's farther than they realistically expected us to make it. I've never been in the 30's before. Now I try to remember that for every 1 day in utero saves 2 days in the NICU, so hopefully we can go another few weeks and keep our NICU stay either nonexistent or minimal.

26 wks + vent + belly

I'll start with my vent to get it out of my system.

I love my OB and really like her nurse practitioner (NP) too. The nurse practitioner is very nice and thorough and competent and compassionate, etc. etc. But my OB has told me she wants me to just see her, and if/when the front desk tries to schedule me with the NP instead, to remind them that I'm high risk and should just see her.  So today, I was under the impression that my appointment was with the OB (the receptionist had even written down my OB's name and date and time on the card, as if I was really seeing my OB, when you are seeing the NP, they usually write down the NP's name)...so it turns out my OB is never even in this office on Tuesdays. So I was a little bit annoyed that I had been misled. When the nurse mentioned that the NP would be in, in a minute, I said, "Oh. I thought I was just supposed to see my OB since I'm high risk." Nurse looked and agreed that I shouldn't have been scheduled with the NP but said my OB isn't even in the office on Tuesday's, I said it was fine, I like the NP and everything, it was just a surprise to me.

So my appointment was good and I do like the NP. She didn't check for swelling (which my OB would have done), but everything was fine. She agrees that my blood pressure is creeping up (now more consistently near low 120's/low 80's, a month ago it was usually 110-119/ 70's.) But it's not a huge jump, and it's not technically high, and I still have quite a few readings that are still in the previously normal range and sometimes lower, it's just that I'm getting more 120's/80's reasons more consistently then I have in the past. She thinks it may be just due to increased blood flow, baby getting bigger, etc. then pre-eclampsia or pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) creeping it's way in. My weight gain is "fantastic", no unusual symptoms, everything looks good. But because of how quickly and how severely I got sick last time, we agreed I'm going to start seeing OB every 2 weeks, to go along with seeing my high risk ob (also known as MFM-maternal fetal medicine specialist which is a fancier way of saying high risk ob) every 2 weeks, so I'll be seeing one of them every week. So next week I see my MFM, the next week I see OB, then back to MFM, etc. (Right now I'm 3 weeks farther than I made it with Olivia, but I got sick really fast and it was severe, so I really do want someone keeping an eye on things every week even with things seemingly well. In fact, if they wanted to hospitalize me now just for fun and monitor me 24/7, I'd be okay with that, though I'd really miss my dogs.)

So NP tells the receptionist, "schedule her in 2 weeks with OB." I guess receptionist missed her saying that because she tries to schedule me in 4 weeks with NP again. I tell her that no, she wants me back in 2 weeks and it should be with the OB because I'm high risk. Supposedly OB has no appointments open that week. She schedules the next 3 appointments and 2 of the 3 are with NP. I really don't like that they are tossing me back and forth between the NP and OB. When I got sick with Olivia, we all totally missed how swollen I had gotten in the weeks leading up to disaster. I had seen my ob the week before and she even missed it. (In hindsight there are some pictures of me from that time frame and it's very obvious.) So the inconsistency is really bugging me and I'm pretty skeptical that my OB is completely booked up. (My guess is this would be the same receptionist who scheduled me to see NP for my 2 week and 6 week postpartum check ups, even knowing our baby had died because I asked them to try to schedule me when there wouldn't be a lot of pregnant people there. My OB called me personally to see how we were doing and asked when my appointment was to see her and when I mentioned it was with NP, 2 minutes later she had it fixed so I was seeing her instead.) I don't like using the term "Nazi" lightly but this particular receptionist is seriously a scheduling Nazi. (There are 2 other receptionists and with the other 2, I've never had a problem getting scheduled with the OB. ) So I can't remember which appointments are actually with my OB, I think in 2 weeks I'm supposed to see NP, but it's at least a day that OB is in the office so I'll address it then I guess and I won't be that surprised if it's my OB who sees me. I'm glad I'm at least seeing my MFM every 2 weeks and it's her every time so at least there is *some* consistency. I think my OB is a little more cautious than my MFM at this point because she was there last time and MFM wasn't. But, whatever, I'm not going to stress about it, it's just a little frustrating.

Anyway, now that is out of my system, yesterday was 26 weeks! No obvious swelling, weight gain is fantastic, no alarming pains or headaches, I still get dizzy (thinking my MFM was right and it really might be caused by GD since I'm not anemic, or it might just be normal for me pregnancy I guess), Lucas is moving more steadily. A week or so ago, he moved a lot in the morning and a lot at night, but not so much throughout the day. Now he never really moves *a lot* but it's steady, a few kicks or obvious movements an hour, most hours. No one is concerned about this ("At this point, as long as you feel him once a day it's fine." Um, not for me!)  so I'll try not to be. She did say I should start kick counts at 28 weeks. Upcoming: gestational diabetes class on Thursday, high risk appointment next Wednesday, growth ultrasound next Friday, OB appointment (maybe with NP?) the following Monday when I'll be 28 weeks.

We can get a 3D ultrasound done at my OB's office for cheaper than we can at the elective non-medical place. I'm debating if I want to or not. I'm completely undecided about it, but slightly leaning towards yes because I like ultrasounds. (And the pessimistic side of me thinks that if something goes horribly wrong again, I want as many pictures as we can get. But the cheap/frugal side of me thinks that we could spend that money on professional pictures when he's actually out of the womb.And then the pessimistic side says, but if it goes horribly wrong...saving the money for professional pictures isn't going to matter much...and it's not like we don't have the money for both, it's not really either/or.)  I'm leaning towards yes, let's do it. Joe is ambivalent and has no problem with doing the extra ultrasound if I want to.

Also, she asked if we've picked out a pediatrician yet. I laughed. (And thought, "well, I figured the neonatal doctors will do for now" because we have at least 8+ weeks to go before we are out of NICU territory.) I'm not really looking forward to the pediatrician hunt especially because we (really- I- Joe just shrugs and says that's fine honey) want to delay vaccinations. I'll do some of them on the regular schedule and some of them later and some not at all (no chicken pox vax-it doesn't work for too many kids). The main thing is, I won't let them give my baby 10 different shots at once, or even 4 or 5 different shots at once. We'll do most of them eventually, but I want them spread out. I'm not really looking forward to finding a doctor who will mesh well with that because most of them are used to patients just doing what they say and not questioning anything, and I'm a pain like that. I've seen a few recommendations from the "crunchy"/"natural parenting" crowd online but most of the doctors I've seen recommended are either pretty far away, or family practice doctors and not specifically pediatricians. One of the family practice doctors I've seen that is apparently more laid back about the vax schedule is actually my general practice doctor and she's 5 minutes away, so I guess that would work for now if nothing else. I'd rather have a pediatrician but we'll see. My mom really likes my 14 year old brother's pediatrician so I'm hoping she'll ask him about the vaccination thing for me because it's not something I'm going to change my mind about and I'm not going to waste my time with a doctor who is adamantly inflexible about the schedule. So, blech. I'm not really looking forward to the doctor search.

I'm getting a little anxious about "the class" on Thursday. But I'll save that for a blog post tomorrow because I've rambled enough for today.

Belly shot yesterday, please disregard the spots on the mirror which look like they are on my shirt, and our husky Koda is supervising from the doorway:

22 weeks + ob appointment

Monday brings us to 22 weeks (so today is actually 22 +2). I'm not sure when/how it happened, but it seems my belly has exploded.

By this time with Olivia, she was measuring about 2 weeks behind, I had already started having the upper right quadrant pains under my shoulder blade and back and around my rib cage, and it was pretty much the beginning of the end, we just didn't know it yet. My last appointment whilst pregnant with my ob was at 22+2 weeks exactly, it was an impromptu appointment because of the pain, but my blood pressure was normal, urine was normal, and nothing else was glaringly obvious wrong so she chalked it up to baby growing pain and said try prenatal yoga. I think that if she had done bloodwork then, it probably would have been normal even despite the pain, because even a week later when I was admitted to the hospital, my labs were *nearly* normal at first (my liver enzymes were just a little elevated, but that was it, it wasn't until 6 hours later when they had more than doubled and my platelets had dropped by more than 100,000 that the problem became apparent.) I've pretty much come to peace with the fact that we were just flat out doomed with Olivia. So much went wrong so early, so drastically.

So anyway, I do feel like we're in better shape this time, that we'll at least make it to the 24 week "viability" milestone and possibly even the 28 week milestone. (I suppose I should probably be more optimistic but I prefer to take it one milestone at a time and not get my hopes up too much about a 36 weeker.)

My blood pressure was up to my "call us" number Sunday morning and again in the afternoon, (but the instructions are to take it again in 20 minutes and if it's still up to call, and my numbers had gone back down plus I knew I was seeing my OB the next day and I felt fine, so I didn't call). Anyway, my OB isn't worried about it yet- it was normal again Sunday night and all day Monday and has stayed normal (albeit a little bit higher for me than my numbers a month ago, but not even a 10 point difference), she thinks it may have been something with the cuff. Anyway, so far, so good.

My ob is concerned about the notching and was surprised that high risk doctor hadn't put me on bedrest or modified bedrest because of it. She was happy to hear I'm "taking it easy" on almost bedrest and thinks it's a good idea. She said they'll be looking at the blood flow at every ultrasound from now on, and if the notching gets worse and possibly if it stays the same, I should expect official bedrest, and she forewarned me that it's a good idea to "tie up anything" now, basically saying she does expect me to end up on bedrest sooner than later.

It turns out that Dr.Everyone Hates at the perinatal center did not mention if the notching was unilateral (in one spot) or bilateral (two spots) in his report. It's kind of an important detail because it gives us a lot less information for a "baseline" to compare to later. (So if it's bilateral next time, we don't know if it's gotten worse or if it was bilateral all along. And if it's unilateral, we don't know if it's gotten better or it was unilateral all along.) I'm glad he's not my regular (high risk) doctor because he clearly sucks, and I'm hoping someone different will be there for my next ultrasound- the high risk doctors all have different days in the perinatal center keeping an eye on the ultrasounds, I'm going on a Tuesday instead of Friday next time, so it should hopefully be someone else.

My ob does want me to get the high risk doctor to schedule my amnio when I see her next week, so she can put me on the schedule for my c-section. (I have to deliver at our local "baby factory" hospital because it is the only level III NICU, and apparently they book up quickly so my OB wants it scheduled asap.) High risk doctor said amnio will be at 36+1, which would be April 26th, and provided his lungs are mature (they should be because I'm going to push for steroid shots at 34 weeks and my ob agrees that I should get them for just in case), delivery day will be 36+2 on April 27th. If anything comes up or starts acting up sooner (or I start having contractions), we deliver sooner without the amnio, which I think my OB suspects will probably be the case.

 I'm starting to get a little bit excited to be 22+2 weeks with no glaringly obvious issues except for that freaking notching, but it will be even better to be 24 weeks. My OB pointed out that we're only 6 weeks away (ha! "only"! She must not know how slowly these past 3 weeks have gone by) from the 28 week milestone.

20 wks, ready or not, here it comes.

So here we are safely in 2011 and still pregnant. My first ever January being pregnant. I'm still very very wary of what this month and year has in store for us. Basically, I'm not going to believe I might possibly still be pregnant in February until I'm here writing, "well, it's February and I'm still pregnant". It's just too hard to believe until I see it.  (Picture taken Monday which was 20 wks exactly.)

The good: So far, almost everything seems to be okay, normal, even good. I feel Lucas moving every day, some days more than others. (Yesterday and today he's been pretty crazy in there. But he's also a little stinker, every time I put my hand on my belly to see if I can feel him from the outside, he stops moving! I've been convinced he was moving/kicking strong enough for Joe to feel a few times now but by the time I put Joe's hand on the right spot, he stops. Hopefully we'll catch him soon.) 

Mediocre news: my blood pressure has been normal, albeit a little "high for me" more often than not.(My normals are 110-120/70-80, but lately my bottom number has been in the low 80's and high 70's more often than not.) I had an incident with my heart racing yesterday (when I took my blood pressure because of it, it was high- 133/97, and my pulse was 124, and I had just been laying on the couch watching Ellen on tv, not exactly running around or anything.) I didn't call in because it was the end of the day, it stopped, and my blood pressure a few minutes later was normal. I think I may just hold off on calling until I see the high risk doctor on Monday, unless it happens again in the meantime. (My blood pressure and pulse has since been normal.)

The bad is that I can't decide if my fingers are just fat or if they are starting to look puffy. It's too bad I didn't analyze them more before I was pregnant. (My wedding ring hasn't fit since I was pregnant with Olivia.)  They aren't big to an alarming extent, but I'll bring it up to my high risk doctor when I see her on Monday and it will probably earn me a 24 hour urine test.

When I was in the hospital with Olivia, before we knew what was wrong, we were asked countless times if we noticed any swelling in my hands, feet, or face. And I said no and looked at Joe and he agreed with me. But now that I look at the pictures from that time, and even the week before I was diagnosed, I was SO SWOLLEN, my face and my hands at least.

The other thing is heartburn. I never have it when I'm not pregnant, but I had it really bad the 2 weeks before I was hospitalized with Olivia. Well, I started getting it again, every night pretty much, starting last week or so. I know it's normal especially in pregnancy, and it's not that bad yet-it's usually just a little annoying but I don't actually have to take anything, but still, between my fat/swollen fingers, heartburn, and my history, it makes me a little anxious that we're heading towards impending doom in another week or two or three.  So, it's all just kind of screwing with my mind, and I'm good at messing with my own mind even without these possibly fishy symptoms. 

But I'm also trying to come to a relative peace that this is totally out of everyone's hands at this point. (I've probably said this before.) Basically, whatever happens in the next few weeks, there's not much if anything I or any doctor can do to fix. Either we'll make it or we won't, but worrying about getting sick won't keep me from getting sick. So I just have to suck it up and tough this month out and see where we are in February. Easier said than done.

Another year in the books

2010 went something like this for us: I went back to sucky work (only one gun scare the second half of the school year, all of my seniors passed and graduated except for the one who ended up in prison), Joe did the unemployment thing and job searched for the first 6 months, grieving and more grieving, trying and more trying, fertility doctors (4), Joe finally gets a job- a much better job with a much farther drive but no on call time, ultrasounds, bloodwork, more doctors, more bloodwork, more ultrasounds, more tragedy and grieving, start thinking about moving when Joe's job becomes permanent, resign from my job for moving/fertility treatments/pregnancy/and so I don't get shot,  finally pregnant (cancel the moving idea until 2012), enter fear and stress plus grieving, it's a boy!, more doctors, more ultrasounds, more bloodwork, still grieving. And here we are at the end. (This is probably the most concise I have been all year.)

What a strange year this has been.

It's weird that I'm ending this year hugely pregnant (19 weeks and 2 days when this was taken Wednesday) when that was supposed to be the way LAST YEAR ended, with my January 23rd,2010 due date. (And ironically, on the second anniversary of my due date with Olivia, I will be 23 weeks, which is how far along I was when we lost her. What a fun week that will be.) Clearly, the universe enjoys screwing with my head. I propose we fast forward January and make tomorrow February 1st. (My two brothers with January 1 and January 10 birthdays probably wouldn't like that so much, but I sure would.)

Instead of relief that this year is over and we get a fresh start, I'm very wary of what 2011 has in store for us. More grief is inevitable for those we've already lost. But will there be a "take home" baby? Another loss? More losses?  It still feels as iffy as if it's dependent on the flip of a coin. Every month that passes that I'm still pregnant and things seem to be going well, the possibility of taking this baby home seems a little better. After January, I hope it will seem a lot better. But it's still all so very uncertain and fragile. There are SO MANY things that can and do go wrong. (And sometimes I want to shout at a well meaning person trying to reassure me: Placenta abruptions! Incompetent cervix! Preterm premature rupture of the membranes (PPROM)! Intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR)! Pre-eclampsia and HELLP! Cord accidents and knots! "Unexplained stillbirths"!...There are so many reasons that babies die in utero and shortly after they are born. I don't for one second think that this is a sure thing, even when we're safely past 24 weeks. (Definitely it's a good thing that last month was our last at the support group hopefully until May or maybe June. Although I'll miss going, too, I'm doing just fine on finding things to worry about without it.) Luckily, when we reach the magical age of viability (aka 24 weeks), the list becomes a little shorter-while 24 weeks is by no means an ideal time for a baby to come out, it's not a certain death sentence like having to deliver at 22 weeks would be, 24 weekers at least have A chance, not the greatest odds of survival, but at least it's possible, and my doctors will be watching me even closer, then. So I like to keep thinking this will be easier in February, but I guess we'll  hopefully see.

The grief...it definitely changes over time. Even our happiest moments now our tinged with the bittersweet sadness that our daughter isn't here for them. The days that I spend sobbing in bed and barely leaving our room have become fewer and farther between...I'm not even sure when the last one was.  It's not that the pain ever eases up, it doesn't, it hurts as bad today as it hurt a year ago. It's just it becomes more comfortable, I'm used to it, it's part of both of us now. Just as surely as my name and birthday, our first baby died. It hurts. We miss her. There isn't a day I don't think about her. But I guess we're figuring out ways to live again, with the new lives and as the new people we find ourselves to be. It's like a heavy weight that will always be on our shoulders, the first few months the weight was so unbearable we really couldn't do or focus on anything but how uncomfortable it was to be in this totally new and foreign position. And now, the weight is still there, and it's just as heavy as it always was, but we've figured out how to move around again, to think of other things, sometimes the weight still absorbs a lot of our focus, and then there are some moments we get so used to it we almost forget that it's there.

This year I've learned/managed to talk about her, and even tell our story, without crying (sometimes.) I braved the doctor's offices and hospitals again. Normal pregnant women bother me a lot now-when I have to hear them talk- ("My doctor is making me go in for another ultrasound because they are worried about [insert reason], I'm so annoyed about this" "The worst thing about having this pre-eclampsia stuff is that I might have to get induced, which is not in my birth plan at all."-- true stories/comments.) (When they aren't making obnoxious comments like that, they don't bother me.) I've talked a lot about wanting to punch particular people in the face this year, moreso than past years, but there has been no actual face punching, which I consider an accomplishment. In fact, I've gritted my teeth and sucked it up and been nice far more times than I probably should have. (And then came home to tell Joe about wanting to punch someone in the face.) Needless to say, I don't think any of the hospital classes are in our future. I've answered the "so do you have any kids?" and "how many kids do you have?" questions more times this year than I can count, and probably given a different answer then the one before each time. Sometimes, if I'm just not in the mood to get into it, I just say no or shake my head or even ignore the question. And sometimes I will say "yes, but she died", because I've stopped really caring about making other people uncomfortable. And sometimes I just said, "Yes, one" and didn't elaborate and changed the subject. That's definitely my least favorite question of 2010.

I am hoping that 2011 will have more "ups" then "downs", and will be a lot less tumultous than 2009 and 2010 have been.

17 weeks + high risk appointment

17 weeks today and here is the evidence (plus Koda's supervision):

My high risk ob appointment today was pretty good, although I got stuck with the bitchy tech to take my vitals. (This would be the same woman who asked over the phone if I had any kids, and I sighed and said, "well, she died"...she replied in this really snotty tone, "so no then." --I understand that they meant *living* children, but she didn't have to be crappy about it. You would think that someone working in a HIGH RISK ob office would have a little more compassion.)  Anyway, she's still always pretty bitchy about everything- today she had an attitude because I stepped off of the scale before it beeped even though the numbers had stopped changing for several seconds, and then again because I was trying to take my blood pressure on my machine after she had taken it so we could make sure my machine is working right, and she insisted we check the baby's heartrate first, even though she had just taken my blood pressure. (And then she insisted that I check it in the other arm, so the pressures were taken 5 minutes apart and in opposite arms, thanks for helping me get an accurate comparison.)

I love my high risk doctor, though. She suggested the names "lovenox" or "heparin" (my daily blood thinner shots) for the baby.  And did a quick scan- he's still a boy (and not a tiny bit shy about it), my fluid looks good, everything looks good (no measurements, it's just a crappy roll in machine and I have a real ultrasound Friday anyway.) She assured me that it doesn't matter that we did the quad screen at 16 weeks (I did it at 17 weeks with Olivia), that if it was going to come back bad, it would have been bad even then, and she's really encouraged that it came back normal. She agreed to let me do my next growth ultrasound in 3 weeks rather than my usual every 4 weeks,since 20 weeks is when Olivia had really fallen behind in growth, and we're going to start checking for notching and fluid levels on Friday. (Notching is basically an indication that the blood flow isn't perfect from the placenta to the baby, instead of the normal full flow of blood, there's a little "notch" in the flow. Between 19-21 weeks, notching indicates an increased chance of pre-eclampsia.) I'll only be 17.5 weeks so no notching won't really mean much this early, and it's not a guarantee in any case, but I'm glad she didn't hesitate to agree when I mentioned it. (And she looked impressed that I asked.) So I have notes for my ultrasound tech on Friday from her to make my next appointment in 3 weeks and to check for notching. (I had only wanted her to check for notching at 20 weeks but she wants it checked both times. She said they normally don't check so early, but with my "checkered past", she wants to keep an eye on it.) 

Hopefully lovenox+low dose aspirin+ normal quad screen+ normal growth + no notching= a healthy 36 weeker.

Tomorrow probably, I'll be scheduling my amnio for 36 weeks, which will be the last week of April. It will be just to check the baby's lungs for maturity, and we'll deliver soon after the results are back. It seems crazy to be scheduling it so early, but my ob wanted me to talk to the high risk ob about it and decide and schedule it now (the alternative is to wait until 37 weeks and cross our fingers that I don't go into labor first, because of the type of incision for my c-section with Olivia, if I go into labor than there is a risk of uterine rupture that they aren't really comfortable with.) Joe and I talked about it, and quite frankly I want this baby out the minute it's safely possible, now knowing all of the things that can go wrong. The high risk ob had the same opinion, so the only guessing about this kiddo's due date will hopefully be if I will make it that far. (Labor or signs of trouble-pre-eclampsia/HELLP/hypertension/growth restriction- and we deliver earlier.)

16 wks belly pics + quad screen

I had the quad screen bloodwork done yesterday morning. Now we wait nervously for the results, which can take as many as 7-10 days. (This is the bloodwork that first came back bad with Olivia.) I have to call my OB's office on Friday for other reasons, and so I'll definitely ask if they are back yet then. And if not, I'll call again Monday before my high risk appointment because we'll definitely want to discuss it either way if they are.  I'm a bit terrified and regretting doing the bloodwork now that it's all done. My high risk doctor warned us that doing this test could be like opening Pandora's box and she was fine with us skipping it- good results aren't exactly totally good because they are no guarantee I won't get sick, and bad results...we can't really do anything to fix. Still, I think I'll ultimately be glad we did it, I'd go crazy wondering if not and wishing we had done it.

So, I can't figure out how to get blogger to let me put the images side by side so this will have to do. I'm in the pink shirt for 16 weeks, the striped for 15 weeks.

It doesn't seem like I'm that much bigger this week. Also, surprisingly even to me, I had to get weighed yesterday for the quad screen, and I haven't actually gained weight this pregnancy yet. It probably helps that I lost a few amidst the first trimester ick, so I probably have gained just not a net pregnancy gain yet. In any case, I'm happy about it, I had expected that I'd gained several given my expanding stomach. And, we're pretty sure that there's just one baby in there, our ultrasound techs are pretty good and always take pictures of everything-placenta, ovaries, etc. and would not likely miss an extra baby.  I know I'm awfully big for 16     weeks, let's hope that there's a ginormous baby in there.
 

15 weeks and little milestones

So on Monday, we made it to the 15 week mark. My belly is looking ginormous already which is just fine with both of us.

Rainbow is bouncing around a lot and I've been feeling flutters 3 or 4 times a day for a couple of weeks now. On Thursday, I started feeling Rainbow kick (I think?) It felt more like someone tapping than fluttering. I never really felt much with Olivia so I'm not really sure what kicks feel like.

Also! My belly button has started hurting yesterday. After my first pregnancy, Joe freaks out whenever I mention any sort of pain and wanted to make me call the doctor. I called Dr.Mom instead, figuring she would know after 4 healthy pregnancies. It turns out it is normal (I figured.) It's not stabbing pain or anything alarming. Just achy like my stomach is stretching (even more.) It seems awfully early for all of this. My baby bump was not this big even at 23 weeks with Olivia, granted I started out a little bigger this time. I'm pretty sure my numerous ultrasounds have not missed an extra baby or two hiding in there, but the thought has cropped up. My blood pressures are behaving, everything seems to be going smoothly so far (which really isn't that reassuring at this point, because everything was going just fine with Olivia at this point too, I'm not sure that anything can reassure me until a healthy baby is in our arms.)

Next week should be a busy and exciting week! The Angel of Hope candlelight vigil for Olivia is on Monday (we will freeze our butts off), my quad screen blood test will also be done Monday (but results probably won't be in for a week, I might call the nurse on Friday anyway), our support group is Wednesday (the last one I'll be going to until rainbow baby arrives, hiding my bump will be a bit challenging but we have a bunch of blankets to donate to the hospital and I really want to go this last month), and on Thursday we will hopefully know if it's a boy or girl.  I thought early on that it is a boy (same happened with Olivia), and now I've been thinking it's a girl (same happened with Olivia), BUT, both Joe and I have had dreams about a boy baby, so we're pretty confused.

14 weeks

There's my belly 14 weeks in the newly painted baby room. We painted it this summer when we were still planning on selling the house, luckily the color will work whether this baby is a boy or a girl.

So far, everything seems to be going okay. My blood pressure is good, the lovenox shots are a pain but worth it, and finally the nausea seems to be mostly gone and better. I still have random moments where I don't feel well, but for the most part I can actually eat again, finally.